Here again part 6

[T384]

He is like two different people. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. His mom finally saw it on Saturday. Kissing me saying ily having a great time laughing and joking at bowling. Then the switch flips


I love him despite everything. I don't want to picture my life without him. I want the man he is capable of being

I don't want my kids split up. I don't want to go through this with a newborn and working and grad school.

I deserve the man he was to me before this.

[25yearsmlc]

So so sorry T0...

He's very impulsive. Just like last time.

I can't forgive him if he does this again...

not clear on the use of the word "if" here^^^.


his mom even saw this weekend how he is 2 different people.

My dad said he just throws everything out and starts over. He thinks I'm the reason for his unhappiness.

standard script^^^ and nothing you say will change his mind.

IN TIME he may see things differently - probably - but you are wasting your breath wondering about what words to say in which order...

LET GO...get back to Your Life



I'm going to get out of his way and just stay silent. If he comes here to get stuff I won't say a word or look at him.


well, okay. Can you get out of the house? And T0, you must get out of HIS head. Way too much time in there...

You need some space. No, I'm not talking about what HE needs, but what YOU need.

So please try no more planning "algorithms" for what you'll do IF IF IF he does/says/moves out...

just get back to your own life. For now. Because This is cray cray


Who leaves a family with a newborn.


Who? Your h.

I'm sorry for the bluntness but this^^ is what you are facing. I'm not trying to project but to sympathize.

H left me alone, unable to drive or bathe, 5 days after my one and only health care crisis in 35 years.

Within weeks, he was on fb about the "Love of his life".

Is it crazy? Yeah I think so. is it right? No.

Is it real? Don't know, can't know, don't need to know.

What I DO KNOW is that it's hurtful and harmful and that is what I know to be true.


We don't know WHY your h is doing what he's doing. But we pretty much know whatever is happening is bad news and he SAID he's leaving and he gave you a date and that's that.

For now, ^^that's the truth.

I think the see sawing you do is getting you nowhere fast and I actually think it's unhealthy for you. And it undermines your words.

(not saying you're nuts! - just to stop the spinning). Let him go. Get some space and clear your head.

The truth will be revealed in time.



I guess that's enough said. I asked him last night please to not leave our family.

well, I would not ask again. That's my .02

Be who you were meant to be. IF he has a seismic change within AND IF he is willing to repair the damage

then let's cross that bridge when you get to it. It could happen. You can hope.

But the hope, thus far, has been attached to expectations and fears and that's not a good combination.



((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

He is like two different people. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. His mom finally saw it on Saturday. Kissing me saying ily having a great time laughing and joking at bowling. Then the switch flips


I love him despite everything. I don't want to picture my life without him. I want the man he is capable of being

I understand.

I don't want my kids split up. I don't want to go through this with a newborn and working and grad school.

I get it.


I deserve the man he was to me before this.

yes, you do.

But that's not what is real right now. So what are you going to do?

Keep hoping it changes or diagraming sentences to organize the right words to say in the right way and then to ACT as if X and Y are blue and yellow and and and.....

He says he is done (& "I don't know" counts as the same at this point)

he plans to leave, he gave you a date, soon, he has made move out plans,

he has some sort of OW relationship going on, and won't own up to any of it in front of his mom...

but that's what is happening. It $ucks and we know it and it is HARD to endure.

How can we help support you?

[T384]

I know 25.

I just have so much going on. The baby doesn't go to sleep til 1 then is up every 2 hours I have to get up at 5 on during the week to feed him change him get everything ready for the day. I have an hour and a half commute each day. I spend my dad seeing patients pumping in my car while eating lunch and crying.

I have a paper due an exam Monday and I'm not making any money because I'm out of work for 12 weeks.

I know it's a waste of time to want otherwise but I just can't imagine he will really leave. I know I need to prepare myself

[Train]

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

Hang tight and ride this thing out, T. You're in a far better position than you think you are.

[T384]

Train - so happy to hear from you. Was starting to worry about you

Hope all is well with you.

Do I just sit silent?

I just said hi when he came in and that's it.

[T384]

H came home had dinner and left with his mom.

He asked the boys to go stay with him but they didn't want to.

He gave me a kiss and said ILY before he left.

His mom said she had a talk with him before they left and he told her he's done and he's moving out. That I make him unhappy and we both deserve to be happy and it's not fair for everyone for us to just stay together for the kids. That it's time to take the next step and we make better friends than husband and wife. We are two different and don't mesh. That I'll never trust him and always think so little of him.

Tomorrow I have the day with the boys. Part of me doesn't think he's leaving tomorrow I think he will come home sleep on the couch and just stay at work as late as possible. I think he will stay here until the concert on Saturday

I've already made plans for Saturday as a back up to watch the boys so I can attend my study group.

[T384]

Sorry hit send too soon.

Feeling numb. Drained. Shocked

He has completely changed the last couple weeks. Not that it was good before that by any means but he was present. My dad said it's like seeing right through his eyes he's empty and so checked out when you look at him. His mind is elsewhere. My dad said he noticed the last 2 weeks a big change in H. He stopped making future plans like he had been and started working very late again.

I don't know what happened ... it doesn't really matter.

I'm struggling with feelings of could I have done something different. What's so wrong with me for him to leave me twice. And I feel like I let my boys down for dragging them through what's to come again

[25yearsmlc]

I know 25.

I just have so much going on. The baby doesn't go to sleep til 1 then is up every 2 hours I have to get up at 5 on during the week to feed him change him get everything ready for the day. I have an hour and a half commute each day. I spend my dad seeing patients pumping in my car while eating lunch and crying.

I have a paper due an exam Monday and I'm not making any money because I'm out of work for 12 weeks.

what of these things ^^ can you modify, delay, delete or just get through?

I had our son while I was in law school (why yes, he was a, "premature" baby)

I began to say "C = JD" and not worry about my GPA. Others graduated with honors, I graduated with a baby boy. It's not like anyone has asked me for my GPA, lately

Oh wait, other than h's lawyer I mean. ((OMG my mediocre GPA might be of use now!!)

If something has to slide (and something does have to slide), let it be one of the things that really do not matter in the grand scheme of things.


I know it's a waste of time to want otherwise


do you really know that? Because I'm not sure. I happen to know it's true, but when you say it, sometimes I feel like you're spouting something you think sounds insightful but its not really where you are.

It's certainly not what you want to believe so at some level, you do not "know" it. Which I understand.

My lesson - which I hope to pass on but which I held off on b/c I didn't want to project my situation onto yours, AND b/c heck, you were pregnant -

was that the past few years, I saw what I wanted to see for too long. I saw what validated my choice to stay.

I worked SO HARD to DB and finally got to the recon part (YAY!)

and then we remained married for another decade but we did not piece - no really, we did not piece.

I'm not just saying that with the benefit of hindsight so much as I was thinking then "hey, it's great and true that we recon and that was my goal !!" Forgetting the rest...those vague thoughts in the background that there is more work to do...

AND then h's mom got sick 4 months into the recon, so I didn't dig deeper to piece, or have h dig deeper...maybe I didn't want to know that h really was selfish or didn't love me the way I loved him?

True, he regretted things, and Retrovaille revealed that. BUT

a) his regret was short lasting

(b/c it was very uncomfortable/;painful for him? B/c he's horrible at humility??)

and b)

he could/would not change or work to repair the damage he created. H sought no IC, for instance. After all that damage, why on earth would you not get IC? Shame? Fear of what you really do prioritize??


Now there's a blinking red light with alarms telling me what I resisted seeing...now there is no hiding from the truth, whatever the underlying cause.





but I just can't imagine he will really leave. I know I need to prepare myself

yes you must prepare yourself. He has left before. Says he will again, told his mom and is making plans to do so. You believe he has an OW and there is some evidence of an inappropriate relationship with one.

The kisses and "ILY's" for the mother of his child might be b/c a part of him is conflicted. I don't know.

But if his nightly/weekly kisses and a few games with the boys - are enough for you to let him stick around part time, while also letting him do what he wants elsewhere,

I won't judge.

It's just that you keep drawing lines in the sand declaring that you are done or he is done and that he has to go but then you add in the word "IF" which is another way of moving the boundary back.

IMO you Think your choices are between

Option A) having a satisfying marriage with your h, soon.

but Option A is not on the table now. You don't get Option A now and you may never get that with him.

So it's between Option B)

STFU and let him live in the house on his own terms. That seems to be mostly as a single man who gets family fixes when he wants them, while his wife hopes an internal earthquake makes him the man she wants him to become or was,

For the most part you are living in Option B at the moment, with a few gestures from him that you cling to, hoping that they indicate Option A is still available...

or Option C)

Ending it now & live well, with the possibility of recon later so that real piecing can occur...

and or living well without him, period.

Option A & B are about him and his power & you hoping...

Option C gives You power over your life.

Option C Requires you to act, and to stop expecting or hoping.
And this is at a very hard time in your life.

How can you make things easier on yourself, apart from your h?

[25yearsmlc]

Train - so happy to hear from you. Was starting to worry about you

Hope all is well with you.

Do I just sit silent?

I just said hi when he came in and that's it.

T0

an hourly approach with a marriage and everything else, will not help you. First, you can't do it for ling (sorry, but that's just reality. FTR, not many women in your shoes could.

Second, he wants out. IDK why, but he is as clear as HE is willing to be.

I'm not saying he won't change his mind later

but you've also told him that if he leaves, he cannot come back...

if theres another OW, he cannot return.

If he lies again, etc.

And i think all 3 have happened in one form or another.

Can you just tell us here, What you can live with?