Round 2, Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

[LH19]

Tryin,

IMO you need to slow down. Your wife has twice told you she doesn't want you anymore and now a confirmed PA and you are going to take her back that easily?

Your calling the MC?

IMO she needs to do all the heavy lifting to earn a third chance with you.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks Guys. Not taking her back, but we're not filing at this point.

For MC, I'll schedule that no brainer. She's going to have to find an IC of her own and start that. She's got a lot of stuff to process.

My heavy lifting is still just about improving the things I've been wanting to improve. If these improvements help our M, then we'll continue working at it. If not, I'll call the lawyer.

Baby steps...

[leahsue]

Hey Tryin,
This roller coaster is not the fun kind, is it? I agree with all the others here who say slow down, take 10 deep breaths, let your brain lead you in the next steps, not your heart. Be smart, and take care of Tryin FIRST. The rest will follow, one way or the other. But you are the one who needs the oxygen mask on FIRST. Good luck! We've got your back.

[Bdog37]

Tryin,

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. Kinda heed what Thornton had to say tho. I would NOT have any expectations. Reversal is a possibility on her part. Unfortunately, I experienced it first hand and in only a few short weeks. Hang in there man.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks guys. I got home from traveling last night and we talked for a good hour or two and then neither of us were sleeping this morning around 3:30 so another 2 1/2 hours of chatting. All good stuff about how we ended up here and what we'd like to do differently going forward.

I told her I'd like to keep the apartment for now to give some breathing space as needed. We have our split beach trip next week and I still plan on giving her with her family a few days without me. I'll join them (W was going to come back mid-week, but now is staying whole week).

Waiting to hear back from MC and I told my W I want her to see an IC. She needed this anyway, but I think it's the only way she's going to be able to navigate her guilt on all this. The infidelity, giving up and walking again, etc.

I've got my IC appointment tomorrow and is such great timing.

All the best.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thought y'all would enjoy this. My W is now researching all sort of marriage improvement, self-help type materials. She sends me a picture of The Divorce Remedy and says "I think we should check this one out", so I pull out my copy that I carry with me and send back a picture of it.

Will be interesting to see her go through the book. Leaving for the beach on Saturday, but I'm guessing she might knock out a good bit of it today/tomorrow.

[Thornton]

Good news! Stay cool and have no expectations. No pursuing!

[Bdog37]

That's awesome Tyrin! Glad to hear the W wants to put in some work as well! Hopefully she stays committed with it. I would still not pressure her to read DR if she doesn't or doesn't read as much as you had wished. Remember what Thornton said...no expectations. Keep your focus on yourself and the DB principles. Good luck my friend!

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks Thornton and Bdog. I think there's been more open and honest dialogue in the last 72 hours than the last 7 years of our marriage. It's heavy but it's really good.

She's leaving for the beach with the kids tomorrow and her family. Our plan was to switch out on Wednesday, but now I'll head down there Tuesday. I decided it was best for us that she go alone to start the vacation because a) she needs time with her Sister and Mom after fighting for the last few months and b) I need my time. I already have plans and I did not want to change. Last time we quickly felt relief when we "reconciled" and did not learn. That's not happening this time.

Bdog - On DR, I'm not asking her to read. I've just pulled out the book and she can use it if she'd like. 4 years ago I let her read it and she threw it at me saying "it's not that easy". My bad last time. That first chapter just makes so much sense about the big picture, but if you're not ready for it you're not ready for it. It's available if she wants to read.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Hey Guys,

Just checking in. Got back from the beach on Saturday and we had a great time. Lots of honest discussion and was harder than anticipated when we got back home for my W. We talked through it for a couple of hours and it was all good open dialogue.

She's working through her guilt and struggling. Guilt for the two of us, guilt for the kids, guilt for the OM - both the infidelity and hurting the OM. This really is a massive process that takes time, pain and support.

What I'm most excited about is our discussions about the decision to do the work and give us a chance at our M. We've both recognized that the reconciliation we had 4 years ago was not a true reconciliation. It was done more out of fear and then we just got comfortable. We did not do the work necessary to change our M.

Our MC is on vacation this week, so we don't get to see her until next Thursday. I think this is actually a good thing because we'll have a week or so having to work on it ourselves. We can talk to her about our problems we may be experiencing and how to deal. I've got a work trip over the weekend too and I think that's good too. My W is very weak now emotionally, but I do travel for work on a regular basis. We've got to sort out how we both deal with that during this difficult time.

We are both optimistic about what we can do and I'm thankful for that, but I know bumps will be in the road, fears will have to be conquered, etc.

All the best.