After reading your update, it seems like you knocked it out the park IMHO. Your changes are about you and you alone and if your W is interested that's totally different. She's got to figure things out on her own.
Keep focused on your D's transition to college and your current detachment like you seem like you are.
Well done.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Thank you for your words of encouragement. This has not been an easy process as we all know but it has been getting easier. My W has really confused me this weekend as this is the first sign of her not knowing what she wants when prior to this she pretty much seemed to want to leave. Granted she is still in contact with OM but I have noticed her not so happy anymore and it appears that she is really on the fence now and conflicted about what she really wants. I will not read too much into it and just try to keep moving on my path.
I do know that at some point in the near future, things will need to be fully addressed and choices will need to be made. I wanting to prepare myself for that day. So right now I am looking for sound advice in what should be addressed and how should I go about it. I just want to handle it in the best possible way in our next conversation. I do not want to allow this to drag on in limbo as I currently am in.
She made a comment about how she doesn't trust me yet
This comment from a cheating WW always just blows me away! I don't know how you held your tongue from saying, "Yeah, well same here b/c I can't trust you, either". However, those type of comments can quickly lead to a hotter level.
The only thing I have to say about that R conversation is that you handled it well. If it comes up again, don't make it sound as if the decision is all up to her. IOW, whether or not the M continues does not totally rest on her knowing what she wants. See what I mean? You have a say in this, too. You may decide you are through with her BS and move on. (It wouldn't hurt if that idea suddenly struck her wayward brain!)
You need to stop worrying about what you need to be doing next. This is not a check-off list. You've already said you didn't want anything to disturb or affect your D's transition to college, right? In the meantime, you work your plan about becoming an attractive man....... and a plan about what you will do when you will no longer tolerate the disrespect. I think it's when people just react from emotions that get them into a bigger mess, b/c they have no clear direction or sense of good timing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have been trying to just work on myself and have been doing well in that area. I do find that comment about trusting me odd as well but I believe she meant it in what she sees me becoming as opposed to who I was when we were at our worst. I let it just blow over instead of leading me down a path to a blow out. I accepted it for what it was and the fact is that she has noticed me becoming a different man.
Your right in the fact that I need hers to know that the decision is not just her to make. I will subtly make that known in our next conversation. I do find myself getting to the point where we need to move in a specific direction. It will either be trying to move to where we will be working on our R or moving on separately. Either way this limbo stage needs to come to an end.
My daughter's graduation and party will be done by second week of July and if she has not brought up this conversation again I believe I will initiate it by the end of the month July. With the new school year approaching for my S7 at that point, this will need to be addressed as it may affect where he goes to school. I have not been acting out of emotion. I believe I have been able to act and discuss everything so far very calmly. I know it seems like I am worrying too much about what to do next. It is just that I realize there may be only one chance to say and do what I need to and I just want to make sure that I get my point of view across and then move forward from there.
Thanks for your response. You have been very helpful in me proceeding down the path I need to travel.
So yesterday was a an odd day in my stitch. My wife calls me on my way home and we speak for over 20 minutes about my D17 graduation party and other non important topics. It seemed she didn't want to end the phone call so at some point I said we can finish planning the party when I get home so I can officially make the arrangements with the catering hall tomorrow.
When I got home, I sat on the couch with the catering hall's information and she proceeded to move close to me and was just leaning on my shoulder while we looking over the info. We talked about the menu and what extras we wanted to include. After we finished deciding on what we wanted she continued to just lay on the couch leaning into my arm as we watched tv for a while. She has not been that close to me like that in months. As good as it felt, I tried to not read too much into it.
She also proceeded to talk about us going to check out a few new bar/restaurants in our area that look really nice and modern. Again, she hasn't talked about us doing anything together in months. Not sure if this is all related to what we talked about this weekend but I do believe she got the feeling that although I would not like her to move out, I would be fine in my life even if she did.
It was just a pleasant evening and for the first time it actually felt like she was trying to get close and comfortable with me again. I will not let this interrupt my progress as I know from what I read that her feelings and moods will change from day to day, but this felt like a baby step in the right direction to me. Going to keep progressing with my DB'ing as per usual and just pay attention closely to how she acts over the next few weeks.
Ok so I have more to add to what has been going on between me and my W. Like I said previously, she had brought up a R talk basically saying so what happens now and I believe she finally has gotten the impression that as much as I would like to work on our M, I am willing to walk away if things do not change. She has commented multiple times about how I have changed and how happy I appear.
So on top of her getting closer to me the other day, yesterday was more of the same. She sat on the couch laying next to me and we talked while watching a little television. Just to preface what I am going to write next, I have been sleeping in my S7's room. I know people have said do not leave the MBR but I haven't been sleeping in there for quite a few months so it is not that I gave it to her now, it is just the dynamic that we have been living in for awhile. Anyway, I was going to put my S7 to bed and she came over to me and asked if I wanted to come sleep in the MBR after he falls asleep. Since she has been moving slowly closer to me the past few days since our talk I figured this would be a good next step.
I proceeded to go into the MBR after S7 was sleeping and as I laid in bed she pushed all the way into me and put my arm around her. I must admit it felt really nice to hold her again. I am at a point that I am trying to let her get closer to me and allow her to be comfortable being next to me again but at the same time keep myself detached to the point where if this backslides I will not be crushed, This is no easy task as we all know.
My question to everyone is do these seem like positive baby steps or is this because she is fearful that I am willing to move on and get over her once and for all. I can't tell if these are sincere moves or just temp checking moves trying to suck me back in. Sandi2 or anyone else, I would appreciate if you can shed some thoughts on what has been transpiring and how I should proceed.
IMO it's cake eating. She does not want the dynamic to change, she wants a family and a boyfriend.
IMO You laying with her makes you look weak. You are basically saying I will share you with another man.
It's hard as h$ll to do, but when someone changes the terms of a relationship/marriage that you don't agree with it. The only thing to do is walk away and never look back until they are 100% committed.
Thank you for your input. I do see your point. Regardless of what transpires, I do have a mental date set in my mind, which is after my D17's graduation party, to have a R talk with her about either being committed to working on our M or us separating.
I figured in the meantime I would give her the chance to slowly come back to me if that is what she wants to. I will keep myself emotionally detached like I have been doing. I know this will make it harder for me but it does feel like the move I need to make right now. My gut is telling me let this play out in the meantime but not definite yet. I have to really think this through.
