I'm proud of you Thorton. You are recognizing this time, something has to change. I would hate for you to go through this cycle yet again. And if she doesn't get the help she needs, it's going to happen.
I agree with Sotto, you need to discuss this pattern again and what steps need to be done so that this doesn't keep happening.
It would be the easy thing to just take her back. I am sure it is incredibly tempting. But just think about how this will most likely happen again if nothing changes.
Thornton, sounds like she's truly hurting. I've always thought that a soft heart is helpful. If you can be loving while holding boundaries and keeping your focus on your future with or without her, that's not a bad plan.
No offense to Thornton, but that^^ plan is not possible. Imho, it's part of why he's here. There are no boundaries, as she can do as she pleases, change her mind, treat him like dirt and then cry when her mood changes. It's an extremely unhealthy dynamic and given their history, only Thornton can change it.
Not to mention the two daughters who are at the mercy of this dynamic... I mean, you do love her, so why pretend to be cold when you're burning up with the desire that she reconsider? b/c he's co-dependent and she's psychologically unwell. The goal is not first to get her to reconsider but for their relationship to change, rather dramatically.
In the few short years they've been together (short to me anyhow), this has happened 3 times.
Boundaries don't have to look like disdain. I remember hearing "be the person she'd be a fool to leave." I think this is the time for you to truly be Thornton 2.0.
From where I sit,
"Thornton 2.0" would get healthy enough to be on his own, as would his wife.
Then they could get new tools for handling their emotional, communications and trust issues, which run deep.
Her mood disorder or whatever it is that creates such wild mood swings and damaging impulsive behaviors, could be treated.
Detachment from those conditions, and losing the terror of losing her,
would be goals for Thornton.
As would care for the d's b/c I feel like I don't hear much about them.
I would think it could cause deep insecurity.
They don't know where they're going to be living next year or this summer, do they?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Great posts, ladies. Thank you. I truly appreciate you keeping an eye on me.
I know something has to change. I know that this pattern repeating itself is killing me slowly.
My codependance is screaming at me to sweep this all under the rug and to fix things. I'm fairly confident that I could convince W to stay but I won't do it. I don't want to start a new bomb drop thread in a year or so.
^^^this is new for me. I've never done this (let her go without trying to keep her here) before and it's scary to let her go and to watch her drive off in a U-Haul. It makes me really sad just thinking about it.
25 - regarding D's. My daughter is currently living with her mom. I speak to her regurlarly (When she's not mad at me for not agreeing with her teenage rebellion). She currently has a boyfriend and he takes up most of her time. I do ask her to do things but she will rarely accept unless she has nothing else going on.
W's D is still living with us until she leaves with her mom in 2 weeks. I check in with her everyday and play with her when I get home from work. About a week ago, I took her to get frozen yogurt and spent some time telling her none of this was her fault and that I consider myself her dad (she's met her real father once). I told her I would always be there for her and she could call or text anytime. She knows she is going to live with her grandma for awhile with her mom.
Regarding W, she is still approaching me with R talks. She still intends to move but is really emphasizing getting back together one day after we both work through our issues individually. She appears to be really struggling with all of this.
I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest. Part of me thinks she is setting me up to be Plan B. When she asks me about it, I do not respond one way or the other. I just listen.
On the other hand, when she tells me this stuff, she is always crying. Seeing her cry is my achille's heel. It's my weakness. It's my codependance screaming at me to fix things for her, to relieve her pain. What I'm learning is that when I do give in and relieve her pain, I'm abandoning myself in a sense. I'm taking her pain on and absorbing it myself.
I always thought that this ^^^ was me being a loving person.
Here's where it gets tricky though. When I do give in and fix her issue, I expect her to do the same for me when I'm faced with a trial. How warped is that???
Something else I've thought about is how I can change myself into someone that others will approve of. For instance, when I first met W's mom, I wanted her to like me. So I ended up helping her move all by myself with no help from W or W's family. I wanted to be Superman so W's mom would approve of me. This went on for years as I kept trying to impress this woman. Ironically, W's mom always bad mouthed me behind my back because I had "stolen" her daughter from her.
I don't want to swing too far in the other direction and become a jerk who wont lift a finger to help anyone because I don't want to be codependant. I'm a nice person by nature, I always have been and I makes me feel good to help people or encourage them. But there's a fine line between being supportive and fixing things for people.
I've always ran from pain because I've never been good at coping with it. It all stems from my childhood and my abandonment issues. This time, my plan is to lean into the pain. To accept reality instead of coming up with a fantasy that will keep me distracted from the pain.
Thornton, much props for leaning into the pain. I don't handle pain very well either. Or I've just had enough of it that I can't handle it anymore. Whatever the reason I tend to take the route that will cause me the least pain, but it can't always be avoided. Good for you for leaning into the pain. I think healthy things will come of it for you.
Something else I've thought about is how I can change myself into someone that others will approve of.
Hey thor... Hope I am just misreading the above but if not, this is a big issue for you personally. It is the wrong goal. You will never, ever get approval from 100% of people 100% of the time. Some people you will never get that from just because of who they are. You need to get approval from yourself and let go of what others think of you. You cannot control that. Change yourself because you want to make changes, not to get approval from anyone.
Hey Ginger - Thanks for the words of encouragement. This is stuff is not for the faint of heart.
Hey Pinn - yep, I know being a chameleon isn't healthy for me. It's one of the things I intend to change. I would like to become more assertive and confident in myself.
I really think you are making progress Thornton, and I think 25s suggested areas to work on are good ones. Whether your ex GF chooses to work on her own areas at a deeper level would be up to her of course. She may choose to engage in that process and she may not.
You of course may choose not to recommence a R with her if she does not..
I think re-finding yourself in all of this is such a wonderful thing. I also found I bent myself out of shape seeking approval and acceptance from others. This area is very much a work in progress for me - but I am making progress and I am more conscious of personal boundaries now..
Two really important questions that resonated with me from my reading & thinking:
Does this work for me? What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?
I ask myself these often now, and would encourage you to think about whether they can help you too...
As for your situation, I do feel now is a crucial time, where she is wavering and tearful. And actually you know that something significant does need to change - in you or her or both - in order for you not to loop again.
Actually, I think you have reached an important point yourself in that - you don't want to do that again. That happened too in my situation. I knew in my very bones that I did not want to share a life with a partner who is secretly contacting others - texting - emailing or whatever when I am not in the room. It's not how I want to live. That feeling in me runs deep now...
Anyway, I think the best response to her may be - I understand you want to go. What that means for us? I guess I would need to think about that. It isn't so simple any more..
Take care Thornton - and if you need to make other plans when the U-haul comes - do what you need to do to look after yourself in that situation.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Isn't this deja vu all over again for you?? Just be careful. I think you jumped back into things way way to quickly the last time.
Wait. No! Thornton was/is the DB Master!! He played it very, very cool and absolutely did NOT jump back in too quickly. He did everything as right as anyone can. It's just that his F or XF or W or whatever she is has I.S.S.U.E.S.!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Dear 25yearsmlc, I see that you don't agree. But it worked for me. When I was going through my hard times I was on here all the time. The advice would often be of the strictest, most fundamentalist, "no, no, no, don't give an inch" type. I followed as much of the advice as I could, particularly about being the lighthouse and GALing and such. But I was also kind and willing to consider that my WS was hurting, too.
I'll say it again, Thornton is good at this. He knows what's best for his situation. Good luck, Thorn.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
