Dealing with Affair

[25yearsmlc]

Agree with Acc

sometimes we have to become the "directors" of the mental movies we play in our minds, and yell "CUT!"

The "movies" are not real. We are making them up based on our worst case scenarios.

Re-direct the movie to something in YOUR life that you can do, without your w.

I don't know a way to detach without GAL.

Detachment is first, for our sanity and later on for whatever DB efforts you want to make.

So, how are the GAL activities going?

[Newguy2]

You're right. The reality is - my wife didn't have the affair or act with the OM with any consideration to me. She was acting in a way you would with a new relationship - crush stage. She felt lonely in our marriage and sought out what she thought was a solution. She wasn't doing it to spite me. She wasn't doing it to purposely hurt me.

I'm definitely filling in blanks in my head with fabricated, worse-case scenarios. I need to keep that in mind.

Right now I'm focusing on my kids, getting to the gym regularly, eating healthy, working, housework and trying to do activities that I enjoy. I think I should try to reconnect with some friends and do some things on my own.

[Sjs777]

hey Sandi, wondering if you would be so kind and have a look at mine as well. I respect your opinion

[25yearsmlc]

Newguy

I understand your concerns about what went into the A and how long it was, etc.

My IC told me that for the most part I need to not take my h's actions or words, personally.

I understand her point but THAT^^ is extremely difficult for me. And when I look back at the deceit that was longer than I knew, and compare it to happy family photos and a TV appearance as a "long solid marriage", it just freaks me out.

H had a lot of cognitive dissonance. I suspect your w did too. That's an issue in her sandbox.

In the future, I'd probe more deeply in another r, if I had nagging, even sub conscious doubts.

In hindsight, I think I did have random misgivings...sigh.

Newguy, We cannot change who we were in the past. We have to work on letting that go.

One thing about your w that I do "get", is that she doesn't want the A to be held over her head like the sword of Damocles, and she doesn't want it thrown in her face every
time you guys fight.

If that^^ cannot happen in time, she may feel that she has too high a mountain to climb and that no matter what, you will not get past this.

Have you tried reading Bluwave's thread? It's very relevant.

Also, a personal growth workshop called "Essential Experience" in Philadelphia might be useful for you. It's for individuals but it obviously helps in all r's. I found it profoundly helpful.

I went years ago and later, H went. Then we went together. That was probably the closest we were...There's a lot to be said for going without your spouse, b/c I think they can inhibit us from digging deep. Anyhow a lot of Dbers have gone and we all got a lot out of it.

Retrovaille is also very useful but it's for couples, specifically and imo, your w has issues that are not directly related to the m, but hey, I'm no shrink.

I just know that a weekly session even with a good MC, or IC, can feel fragmented. I'd make a breakthrough and then have to pick up the kids or go back to work. Then I'd have to start over the next week. That's why I like weekend retreats or workshops.

You dig deeper and I guess I think they are more "efficient".

Do whatever helps.

((( )))

[Newguy2]

Thanks for the response 25yearsmlc.

I'm really trying to piece this all together a step at a time. I will need to look into a weekend workshop that is available to me - I'm in rural Canada so I will have to see what is near me.

It has been extremely difficult for me not to take my wife's actions/words personally - but I notice I'm not getting the intensity nor the duration of emotion like I did in the past. I'm a little over a month since I found out.

I decided today that I would ask my wife for the exact date she sought the affair (in reference to my last lengthy post). She was fine with it and did up a timeline. My worst fear was found to be true. She started the affair January 2014. What bothers me about this the most is she was saving money for a trip to Mexico and 'surprised me with it' at Christmas time. We were so excited to go and went the end of January 2014 for a week with another couple. That was a turning point for our relationship (so I thought) because the whole 2014 year was filled with events (trips away on the weekend, a concert that she planned, etc.) But really - her 2014 year was filled with the me AND the OM. I guess they 'took a break in 2015' - which was when I originally thought it started.

Anyway... this is just re-opening old [censored] for me. I think I'm looking for reasons to be upset. I need to work on accepting the situation and decide if I want to stay in the relationship or not (with time).

I'm not the type of person to hit her over the head with the affair once I've forgiven her. But I haven't forgiven her yet. She has been very patient with me and understanding lately - she's doing exactly what I would want her to do. I'm wondering if I need to take some time away - even a weekend with a friend/family without contact with her. Maybe it would help me to decide what I want with my life. It's hard to come home, take care of the kids, chores, and have her being so friendly, caring and intimate towards me. I know she wants to be with me and I don't think she would cheat on me again (of course I don't know this factually). I hate indecision.

[Accuray]

I'm not the type of person to hit her over the head with the affair once I've forgiven her. But I haven't forgiven her yet. She has been very patient with me and understanding lately - she's doing exactly what I would want her to do. I'm wondering if I need to take some time away - even a weekend with a friend/family without contact with her. Maybe it would help me to decide what I want with my life. It's hard to come home, take care of the kids, chores, and have her being so friendly, caring and intimate towards me. I know she wants to be with me and I don't think she would cheat on me again (of course I don't know this factually). I hate indecision.

You're doing great! It's only been a month, I was a wreck for 3+ months easily, probably longer. Realize that it takes time to process and heal and you don't have to actively "do" anything or make any decisions other than to take each day as it comes for a while. Do what feels right for you and that has to be good enough for her too for now.

It's good that you understand that her actions were not all about you, and in many ways she did what she did without you being on the landscape at all. On some level, people are just like squirrels looking for an acorn and don't see much beyond what's right in front of them in the moment.

Everyone feels resentful and/or taken for granted by their spouse. Sometimes that's short lived, sometimes it's long lived. Everyone has childhood hurts and issues that they are more or less successful at coping with. Everyone likes attention from the opposite sex, to feel like they are special, and everyone is vulnerable to escalating a flirtation when they know they shouldn't. All those things are just part of being human. None of that excuses cheating of course, no one should cheat on their spouse, but as we all know it happens every day all over the world, it's just part of the landscape unfortunately.

You can get through this, you can forgive her, you can be happy again and in a place where this episode doesn't enter your thoughts at all, or you look back on it and say "that made our relationship stronger". It takes time and effort to get there, and there are no shortcuts.

Acc

[Newguy2]

Ya... I think I just need to take one day at a time and not make any big decisions yet. I think I'm handling everything very well at this time - considering the circumstances.

[Newguy2]

I thought I would update everyone and write some of this down for my own processing.

I continue to think about it each day and continue to be ambivalent about whether I want to stay with my wife or not (all normal).

My wife and I have had some very good conversations and she continues to answer any of my questions. I've been checking up on her phone and messages - no evidence of contact from OM. I've been open with my wife about being ambivalent about the relationship and she said she thinks it's 'weird' that I can be intimate with her and be ambivalent. I think maybe she is telling me she is scared she will be hurt if I choose to leave. I do love her and at the same time, I've been so hurt by her and I'm angry (which I've told her).

I woke up in the middle of the night with a lot of anxiety on the weekend and decided to hop on her computer. I decided to search through her computer and her phone for any evidence of the past affair and/or anything current. I found out the email address which she used to join AM and have contact with the OM - I tried to log into it, it's no longer active (which she told me). I found a few pictures of the OM that he sent her and copies of old text messages. Nothing that I didn't know - it really didn't anger me too much.

I biggest thing I found is my wife has been 'face creeping' the OM, his wife and friends/relatives. I don't think there has been contact - I think she is checking up on him. On the one hand, it pisses me off that she agreed to no contact and then continues to 'keep an eye on him'. On the other hand, I can understand that she is struggling with missing him and that relationship and what's the harm if she's checking every so often? Is that naïve of me? It seems that she checks once a week or once every two weeks. The last time would have been a week or two ago.

I didn't tell her what I found because I don't want her to know that I'm 'checking up on her'. I think I'm checking on her because I don't fully trust her and I think part of me hopes she screws up so I can make a clear black/white decision.

[Accuray]

Newguy2,

Checking up on your W can become a compulsion -- it's addictive. In my case I would periodically pull out everything I had found and re-read it, I still don't know why I did that but it was a form of self-punishment or something. In any case, it wasn't really helpful.

In my sitch, at some point, I decided that I needed to surrender to that which I could not control. I guess the point of that is that you can't "watch her into submission" -- if she wants to cheat she's going to, regardless of whether or not you're watching. That being said, what value is snooping on her providing?

If you surrender to the fact that you can't control what she does, then you can switch from playing defense to playing offense. If you're the best possible husband and partner you can be, then you really don't have anything to worry about. If she decides to cheat or leave that's her loss and you can move on without feelings of guilt or remorse that you should have done something differently/better. Being able to move on with a clear conscience is a huge gift that most people don't get.

The worst scenario is that she will get tired of you monitoring her, decide she wants out, and then you will suddenly decide you want her back and will regret chasing her away with your snooping. I'm not saying that is going to happen or would happen, only that it would be the worst outcome for you.

With regard to your W checking up on OM, people do things all the time when they don't think anyone is watching. It can be as subtle as checking someone out who you think is attractive, or looking at something you know you shouldn't. It doesn't really mean anything, it's just "stuff people do". She could look at his profile and 5 minutes later forget about him completely for the next two weeks, or she could be thinking about him constantly, but there's no real way for you to know that, and nothing you could do about it if you did know, so it's better to focus on you, who you want to be, and how you want to act. Does that make sense?

It takes a lot of strength to take your hands off the handlebars and just let go, but it's really worth it. Shift your mindset to one that if she cheats, its her loss and good luck to her because you are the prize.

If you are checking up on her to give you a reason to leave the relationship, she's already given you that. No one will blame you if you leave given what has happened. You don't need anyone's permission and you won't be the bad guy. If that's what you want, then do it. You can do it on a trial basis, get some space for a few weeks, and then reassess. There's a book about "Controlled Separation" where you both agree to separate, and then agree on a separation plan, i.e. will either of you date? How will you handle expenses? What kind of contact will you maintain? If you agree on some simple logistics up front it takes a lot of the pain of uncertainty out of the equation.

There is no wrong answer here, only what is right for you. The luxury you have that most people here don't is that your W is willing to re-engage. You may not believe me but if she told you tomorrow that she's done it would light a fire under you to get her back. You're in a good place now, make the right choice for you, based on what *you* want, and don't try to force her to make the decision for you.

Acc

[Newguy2]

Accuray - After my last post - I got caught up in thoughts of the affair and thinking I'm not going to be able to repair the marriage because I'm never going to be able to forgive her. I visualized and thought about all the components of the affair. Then, I read your post and the biggest thing that hit me was your last paragraph. You're right - my wife is willing to re-engage and wants to work on the marriage. And it really is my choice - I don't need a reason (or extra reasons to leave). I've read a lot of other postings on this forum and so many people are trying to obtain what I have - a spouse who wants to re-engage and is doing a lot of things right.

I definitely feel more calm and see-sawing back to 'I can make this relationship work, if I want to'. It could be better than the past. I know I could learn to put trust in her again and 'let go of the handlebars' - if I really want to.

What an emotional mess I've been. Does it end when we make a choice? How long until I can confidently make a choice? I hate this state of ambivalence. It's not only tearing me up - but I know it's effecting our relationship.

BTW - we have our first couples counseling session this week. Maybe that will help.