If you are already in IC, it doesn't change much for YOU.
Don't take the bait. Just be. She's planting the seeds of a backup plan and will ONLY use it as such
if she knows you'll still be on the shelf waiting. This is not a long term solution, to put it mildly.
I'd say nothing. IF she seems expectant of some response you can say you hope she gets something out of it or finds peace, etc. But then get busy GAL
how are your GAL & detachment efforts? Also how are your D's doing ?
This is a lot of instability for them to watch and be affected by, and none of it is within their control.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wife once again cornered me and said with tears in her eyes she hopes one day we can re-connect after working on ourselves. I'm responding to her very neautrally because I'm not sure what to make of this other than she's probably trying to friend zone me or keep me within reach if she finds the grass isn't greener.
But she keeps reiterating getting therapy and said she is serious about it.
I'm still doing my best to continue to detach. Feeling a little bummed today.
For you wonderful mothers, thank you for what you do. Happy Mother's Day.
Sorry you're feeling a bit low today. That's bound to happen and also better days lie ahead for you and you will appreciate them all the more having been through some rough times.
I noticed that your posts still very much revolve around your ex GF and what she is saying - with a little of your own reading into what may be going on in her mind..
I wonder if it may be best to tell yourself that there is no way you guys are going to reconcile for at least many months - because you already know that something significant needs to change in order for your potential future R to be at all sustainable....
Might this help you shift your focus more? To tell yourself that and release her? And release yourself to live life and make plans just for you? I think it is really helpful you are going to IC and I would love to see you post more about other plans you are making for yourself and what you are doing for yourself independent of her....
Hope tomorrow is a better one for you
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Great advice, Sotto. I've already been telling myself this needs to happen in order for me to grow from it but it'sfinately not easy.
W is still talking to me, asking for hugs, and crying all the time.
^^^That really messes with me. It was a lot easier for me when she was spewing all the time. Now she has switched course and said she still loves me, is hopeful we can reconnect in the future, and telling me she has no idea how to let me go.
It's like the real W is back (But I know it's probably just a facade).
Unfortunately, this shift in W really has me spinning because I want to know why this is happening and what her motives are. When she cries, I fall for it every time and it softens my heart. But I've also learned that putting my guard down has burnt me several times.
Thornton, sounds like she's truly hurting. I've always thought that a soft heart is helpful. If you can be loving while holding boundaries and keeping your focus on your future with or without her, that's not a bad plan. I mean, you do love her, so why pretend to be cold when you're burning up with the desire that she reconsider? Boundaries don't have to look like disdain. I remember hearing "be the person she'd be a fool to leave." I think this is the time for you to truly be Thornton 2.0.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I haven't been following fully but catch up now and then. Isn't this deja vu all over again for you?? Just be careful. I think you jumped back into things way way to quickly the last time. I sense that you are wavering a bit. Stay strong
I agree with you. In fact, I just got some long winded texts from W asking me if I would ever take her back, apologizing etc. The codependant in me eats that stuff up. Thankfully, I've been giving very neutral responses and just telling her I'm taking it a day at a time.
You're right, my instinct is to just take her words at face value and jump right back in. W is still moving away in 2 weeks so maybe that will provide me with more insight.
But I'm hanging in there and still convincing myself this needs to happen in order for me to grow from it.
It just hurts to hear her tell me all the right things. It was much easier for me when she was spewing and stomping around with a scowl on her face. But when she is crying and seems genuine, it kills me.
It is good that you have this insight Thornton. You recognise the part of you that wants to leap on these messages like a starving man. And you understand where that desire comes from. Where it comes from isn't your healthiest place.
I think all of that is good, and is progress for you for sure. You are stepping back from her drama and recognising you have seen this behaviour from her before. The running away from true commitment, then the fear that sets in for her, then tears...and when you guys are back together, the cycling around this loop.
I suspect if she could suck you back in with a 'will you wait for me' or 'let's leave the door open and see where things go' - she would do that. Then she gets to move away and be near Mum, but keep you in the mix too.
I wouldn't go for that. You may want to let her know that if she chose to end the R and move away, you'll be moving forward with your own life and plans and you're not sure where you may be at..
Also, in response to her 'would you ever take me back.' You may want to let her know that things really aren't that simple anymore. As this has happened a few times now and you're not going to put yourself in that situation again.
For things to actually move forward on a sustainable footing, I think there would need to be a very honest and adult conversation about the pattern that has been happening..
Take care Thornton & hope you have a good day :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
