KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[SunnyB]

I feel like I am willing to do the work and I know things are hard and won't always be perfect.

KGirl, I dated someone large chunks of last year, an on-again off-again kind of thing. When we were "off", I went out with other guys, 50 first dates. My friends started making fun of me for being an entire season of Seinfeld episodes, I dumped these guys for the most inane reasons. Low talker, close talker, man hands, puffy shirt. But they weren't right for me for whatever reason and it would have been a waste of everyone's time to go on a second date. I am willing to do the work and I know things are hard and won't always be perfect, but....that's what dating is for, to decide if you want to make some sort of committment to each other. It's OK if you go out with a lot of guys, just don't waste time trying to fix them. Move on. If he's not the one, it doesn't matter why, and you aren't married to him. Move on. Enjoy the process. I met some nice guys, and learned a lot about myself. There's nothing wrong with that. And now I've been dating someone a couple of months, and I'd have probably never met him if I had been wasting time trying to force something with someone else. So, my advice is, relax and enjoy the process, trust your gut, be quick to politely move on from someone you have no commitment to. Wishing you all the best, please post more often.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi K Girl,

I was happy to see your post. I was in Vegas the same time you were and the weather was simply divine. Hope you had fun.

I love words of encouragement and even though I am guilty of using clichés, there are some I loathe. Like "you have to put yourself out there" (always reminds me of someone hanging off a balcony marionette style) or the "you could miss something great by not giving them a chance." True but you might not:) Friends always have good intentions, however, just trust your gut. Someone may be a great guy, and he still not may be a good fit for you.

Hang in there! Glad to catch up with your posts.

[KGirl]

Thanks, all. I guess I have a hard time letting people go when I think the negatives could be shallow-ish/can be overlooked and want to give people chances... sort of like stray kittens. It's been hard for me to decide what is important and what is not, I guess. In this last relationship I learned that some things maybe weren't as important (this guy was quite a bit more overweight than anyone I've dated or would typically be interested in, and I found it didn't really bother me. But the way he treated his dog, and the sneakily trying to vape inside places like restaurants, DID bother me... all I would have had to invest time in to discover them, unfortunately. Those things don't come out on date #3!).

I probably don't stop by here that often anymore becuase... I don't often think of myself as divorced, but rather just single? Without kids or any reason to talk to XH the fact that was I was married has become a less conscious part of my day-to-day life. I'm pretty sure the last I even heard of him was a text he sent me in March 2016. Once in awhile a friend will mention something inane he is up to but otherwise.. erased. Until I try to date and see people put in their profiles things like "never married, no kids" implying that that's supposed to make them a better catch. Ugh.

GB, too bad we couldn't have figured out a way to meet up had I checked in beforehand! I'm in a fb group for solo Vegas travelers and it was fun meeting up with people when I felt like it (and then getting to do whatever I wanted when I didn't!)

[KGirl]

Do I see that both GB and Maybelle have some long term relationships going with some marriage talk? What is the secret, ladies, how did you find them, how do you keep them?? Please tell me! I'll admit, I'm a little envious... I guess I thought that as a decent, semi-attractive person I'd have found someone by now but reality is smacking me in the face...

[Maybell]

Yes, My Guy and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. He's very sweet.

I have no secret. I got lucky finding him and I've been lucky with how patient and generous he is and how willing he is to see my best parts. It hasn't been without bumps. It's just been two people who want more or less the same things and are patient enough to not give up on each other.

I did not start dating until Mr. Fantastic had been out of the house for a year and a half. I actually time when I started dating from when I screamed "I need space!" And slammed the front door on Mr. Fantastic. That's when my healing from all that began. Well, it's when I began expecting him to do some work on the relationship in order to get me back, and when I stopped expecting him to actually make the effort. I signed up for match about a year after that, and I really just signed up as a way of finding out what was out there. I got lucky that it only took a few weeks to find My Guy.

I thought I was pretty well over Mr. Fantastic when I started seeing My Guy but the truth is I have discovered pockets of hurt and grief and anger over time, even as happy as I am with My Guy. One doesn't negate the other. My happiness with My Guy doesn't heal me from the wounds Mr. Fantastic inflicted.

One thing I've learned in my year and a half with My Guy is that I am still absolutely, 100% as much my own person as I was during the time that I was alone. It took a while to figure that out. I was very anxious and a little needy during the first, I don't know, 10-12 months? I wanted him to commit and recommit and I wanted to feel married again even though I barely knew him.

He was absolutely committed to taking things slowly (in some ways). He is a person I have been able to learn healthy relationship habits from. I can be myself around him, 100%. I started a really demanding new profession when we'd been dating about 3-4 months and he's stood by me absolutely through tears and meltdowns and utter exhaustion. We can have arguments and work our way out of them constructively (I'll be honest, I sometimes enjoy the arguments because in many ways they bring us closer). He does stuff for me all the time, little things. He holds my hand, all the time. I look up to him on some things, but without feeling like I'm less than. Because he was totally inflexible about taking things slowly I had the space to understand how to be myself in the relationship and that has brought it up to amazing. Our lives interact so wonderfully now. We help each other. I know about the stuff he's got going on and he asks my opinions about it, and I share my stuff with him and appreciate his perspective as well.

I have absolutely no illusions that if I somehow lost this, it would be easy to replace. But I think if I did lose him, I would be better equipped to be single than I was when Mr. Fantastic left. From that perspective, My Guy has been enormously helpful to my healing. I appreciate that. A LOT.

K, if you aren't ready to be single then it will be hard for you to find that kind of relationship. There has to be space for YOU in the relationship -- do you know who you are yet?

Don't doubt that you are lovable and that there is someone out there for you. But do be willing to invest some time in yourself, even while dating. It's the best thing you can do for a good relationship.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi K-Girl,

Btw, nice post Maybell. Yes, I have been dating someone around 10 months. One of my guy friends wanted to set me up with "this really cool guy." I admit, I wasn't really looking to date so when he asked me to meet for a drink, I took 4 days to respond. I was on vacation and wasn't sure if I should go. Glad I did:-)

I might have some different issues. I am super, crazy independent. Always have been and am realizing it always plays a factor in my relationships. I have a tendency to attract guys looking for a relationship. It sounds a bit odd, but I have met the people I started relationships with when I absolutely wasn't looking. That sounds cliche and it is 100% true for me. I'm that bad cliche of love happening when you aren't looking 😉 I am trying my darndest to be honest and more open to someone "helping me."

My guy lives about 45 minutes away and has a D the same age as my youngest-7. I really never saw myself blending families or having to consider another child in my life. This is certainly not bad, however, there are times when some of this stuff is out of my wheelhouse. I try to regroup and realize that at this stage, EVERYONE has a life and some obligations. I do have my children probably about 90% of the time so I was very clear with the new guy in the beginning that I don't have a lot of time to date or go to him. After about a month of meeting him once a week, I told him that my babysitter was back at school. If you want to see me, then you will have to come to my crazy house. I realize that sounds like I'm asking a lot of someone else but I did not want to deceive him in any way or think that my situation was not what it was. If I'm being honest, most peeps wouldn't sign up for my caca. My kids are awesome. My dog is charming. I'm hilarious and have good hair but well, it's a lot to take on. No delusions here. However, he has been patient with me and super understanding. He told me a few months ago that he thinks I'm the one ( I was probably wearing my sweatpants with paint on the butt ) and he said the color drained from my face when he said that. He is funny and fantastic to me. I am however, very hesitant to discuss marriage. I don't see the need to rush and he understands that. My kids adore him and he is fantastic with them.

I think the challenge for me is that I'm cognizant of many things I need to be aware of as we move forward. I'm stubborn, headstrong and a free spirit and he has been supportive of me even when I can tell he is perplexed. What I most appreciate is that he is respectful of my thoughts (regardless of whether they are in sync with his) and I do his as well. If I could make any recommendations it would be to really live your life and not allow the OP to become your life. They should enhance your life. And I find myself relaxed and at peace in this relationship because I no longer do things because I think I'm supposed to do them. That doesn't mean I don't compromise, I just don't do things that feel exhausting or taxing. Maybe that's wrong but eh, works best for me right now.

You have always seemed like a smart, kind, lovely young lady. Perhaps (and I'm guessing) you feel you are at a place where you should give someone a chance because people say you should. Or because they express interest in you. Maybe you should really think about what qualities are truly important to YOU. I do think sometimes when people are a little more discerning they have a tendency to find someone that they connect with on a deeper level. People generally show you who they are pretty early, so believe them. Keep looking 😊

[Georgiabelle]

Sorry for the "War And Peace" length hijack. It's Friday night and I just did laundry. Wild times :-)

[DonH]

Kgirl, it's not only you or women - it's happening to a lot of us, including me. Now mind you I'm not looking for nor wanting marriage, but I'd love to have someone talk about me like Maybell just talked about her guy. Wish how I'd love that! I know it could happen as I believe with all of my being that I'm an awesome guy. Selfesteam is not the issue. So I really think it could happen. I just highly doubt it will. Two weeks on Match? I've gone two months without as much as a response for crying out loud.

I've given up. If it happens, it happens but I'm doing pretty much no looking anymore. For me I think it's my age group. I'm, gulp, 54 inside the mind of a 35 year old who looks like he's in his 40s

I really don't want to hijack here so what I want to say is Georgia and Maybell please don't underestimate how rare what you have is. If nothing else I've learned that I'll never take the right women for granted after going without for 12 years. Please don't either. Kgirl you will find someone. I'm sure of it as you have so much of your life ahead of you. It will happen when you least expect it.

[Maybell]

TRUST ME, I don't take it for granted at all. I feel like I've been struck by lightning.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Don,

You are correct! I am super lucky. I've found someone who treats me fabulously and is undeterred by my circumstances. That is not so common in our culture now. I watch people every day get in these super complex situations thinking they will change. "I know he only has time to see me a, b, or c, but if he would just...." Or the infamous, "I wish he would x, because...." and I hear all of this WAY early. I have never had the capacity to jump thru hoops to get to know someone and I see people doing that frequently. My thoughts are if you immediately wish things were different, then why waste the energy? Find someone where you don't feel that way.

We all have lives and baggage. However, even at this point in life it shouldn't be a struggle to get to know someone. Yes, life is challenging and curveballs are thrown at us, but I don't think you should have to move mountains to decide if you like someone. I see some of my friends try those situations and it makes me tired watching!