So, good weekend so far, though W continues to be unreliable. The 2x4s yall had hit me with allowed me to take it in stride, I think.
Friday I get a text from W saying she can't pick D up at school at 3:00, and asking me if I can pick her up, and wait for MIL to come get her. I tell her, "sure, but I've got plans for tonight. D's welcome where I'm going, and if MIL isn't here by 5:00 then I'll just take her with me and you can get her tomorrow." I also remind her that D can go to after school on Friday if she needs to, and that both she and MIL are on her pickup list. Just call school and make sure she ends up in the right place.
D was pretty disappointed that I picked her up. It took a bit to get her cheered up.
I won't be able to pick up D next week, I have a Dr appt. We'll see what happens.
Board game group went well. People commented on the salad I made. Two trays of it were annihilated. I love to cook, and I LOVE to cook for other people, so this makes me pretty happy. One of the guys at the table I'm at makes a joke, and I tell him there's no way he's old enough to even get that reference. Other people at the table ask me, "who the heck are you to say that, you're not old enough either."
I tell them I'll be 43 next month and there is general disbelief. An nice older woman (she could be my mother) at the table tells me I have a baby face. One of the guys says, "well I wouldn't have told him THAT, that's got to be uncomfortable." I mention that I'm going through a divorce, and they have no idea how good they've made me feel by saying all of that. The older woman looks right at me and says, "You know, you have GORGEOUS eyes." "Ok, NOW I'm uncomfortable." Good laughs all around.
Yesterday was really fun. Spent most of the day texting with the woman I got introduced to. Mostly nice light conversation. My intellect is very happy, it's sated right now.
My date had gotten broken, but I had told W about it. At 9:30am, I get a text saying, "Good morning, I hope you have a great day and that your date goes well tonight." I don't respond. Half an hour later, W texts me about D being difficult. I ask what's wrong, and remind her to make sure D knows that if mommy punishes her, that punishment WILL still be in effect when she goes home to daddy. I also give her some advice (our parenting styles are wildly different, and mine works a LOT better with D). W doesn't respond to that. At 9:30PM, I get another text telling me that she hopes my date is going or has went well. I also don't bother to respond to that.
Today is soccer, and then I get D back. It's going to be a GREAT day.
W also "accidentally" called me yesterday. I answered, thought it had something to do with D. She didn't say anything, said she was trying to call MIL and dialed me by mistake, then hung up. Then sent a text apologizing and saying the same thing.
I feel like maybe I'm wanted, which makes me feel a little better. But I'm not reading into it, and I don't want HER, so it's just a curiosity at this point.
Nice one East. One thing though, even if your way works better, do not offer advice, because I'd be willing to bet it is not received as it was intended (to put it bluntly, you are accusing your W that she is a bad mother). Stop that, she will manage. Try to resist the urge in the future.
And do not tell your W about dates and/or no dates. It sends all sorts of weird signals and none of them good...
Other than that thumbs up on your GAL. Take care buddy...
Soccer was GREAT! I made it 90 minutes. For my body type, I think that's pretty damn good.
Went to pick up D, and W wanted to talk about parenting plan. Still wanted to swap the status quo for summer. I again refused. She offered a compromise where we would flip for just July. I'm still not buying. "Why not?" "Because I'm not planning her life on the premise that you never go back to work." "Don't worry about me." "I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about D. You cannot plan her life this way."
W then began to spew about how she doesn't know me anymore, and I'm not the man she knew. I don't say anything. This continues, and I eventually get baited into the conversation, but I'm pretty much just validating her. She eventually hits one of my buttons, but I don't react in anger, I just tell her that I see why she feels the way she does, and wonder why she doesn't accept what I am telling HER. No R talk as such, both of us are done.
W eventually apologizes for everything she has done. This has me flabbergasted. She doesn't apologize. I thank her for the apology.
W eventually tells me I look really good. I thank her for the compliment. W then asks about my date. I tell her I'm not really comfortable talking about that, but I'm sorry I brought it up. I said it our of anger, and regret doing so.
She really wants to know. REALLY REALLY wants to know. I see no harm, and tell her the truth--I HAD a date, but it got broken. She asks why, and I tell her, and in a rather surreal moment, she says, "That woman is stupid" for not going out with me.
W then bursts into tears and tells me she's been having dreams. "About what?" "About you doing things with someone else that you were only supposed to do with me." I really don't know how to respond to that.
W asks if she can have one last hug. She cries into my chest. All I can think of right at that moment is, "If I still wanted to fix this, I'm pretty sure we could." The problem is that I don't want to, anymore.
I tell W that I've about hit my limit, that I don't have the energy to keep this conversation going. Conversation turns back to D. I remind her she can see D pretty much anytime she wants. I bring up the things I've suggested that she rejected and tell her that I don't know how to do any more right by her without doing wrong by D. That she needs her mother in her life, but she needs the STRUCTURE she gets from me, too.
I THINK she says she's going to sign the papers this week. It's hard to tell through her crying.
I'd like to say you did well, but you didn't. It looks like you are acting out like a teenager. WTF would you be talking to your W (yes, she still is your W) about you dating? How does that make you any different from her? You are supposed to be a role model for your D, and right now neither you or your W are doing well in that dept.
I suggest you take a step back and take a deep breath, you have A LOT of issues of your own to take care of, before you go fire and brimstone on your W...
Kaizen already chewed me out about talking to her about that. I agree completely. I apologized for doing so, it was childish, and I was really angry when I said it to her. I don't do anger, pretty much never. It's not an emotion I can handle well, I don't have much experience. I'd take it back if I could.
Yesterday, I wasn't being a duck. She asked. Repeatedly. I also told her that I wasn't going to talk about stuff like that again. I didn't see the harm in telling her that I DIDN'T go on a date.
I don't like her right now. At all. That doesn't mean I don't care, and that doesn't mean I want to see her hurt. Seeing her hurt still hurts me.
She sent me a text last night. "Thank you for talking to me today." my response was "I still care. Always will."
Friday I get a text from W saying she can't pick D up at school at 3:00, and asking me if I can pick her up, and wait for MIL to come get her. I tell her, "sure, but I've got plans for tonight. D's welcome where I'm going, and if MIL isn't here by 5:00 then I'll just take her with me and you can get her tomorrow." I also remind her that D can go to after school on Friday if she needs to, and that both she and MIL are on her pickup list. Just call school and make sure she ends up in the right place.
It's kind of strange to me to go about it like this. You clearly have plans, so why not have D go to after school care in this case? It sets it up so that she is going to continue to ask you and your 'reminder' falls on deaf ears - in fact, it probably causes her to feel like you are thinking youre the 'better parent' for knowing these kinds of things.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
D was pretty disappointed that I picked her up. It took a bit to get her cheered up.
Plus theres this. I find that my kids are always in a weird mood when their schedule changes without some advance discussion.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
Board game group went well.
Whatd you play? I go on Mondays. I think Im lined up for 1989: Dawn of Freedom tonight.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
I ask what's wrong, and remind her to make sure D knows that if mommy punishes her, that punishment WILL still be in effect when she goes home to daddy. I also give her some advice (our parenting styles are wildly different, and mine works a LOT better with D).
The punishment talk is kind of strange. Thats a weird thing to say over text. As for your advice, I also share things that I do with the kids that I find successful, but I try not to word it as 'you should try xxx.' but rather 'I do xxx and yyy and find that I get a good response.' Then she can do with that information what she wants. Rather than offering a critique, its more like just an alternative.
Yeah, I probably didn't have to remind her. As to why I did it? I got to see D on a Friday afternoon, and I got to pick her up from school in the "normal" way. In the past, Friday was always OUR day (we work half days on Friday here, and I always picked her up from school. It was special to me). Having that again for a day was actually nice.
Played Champions of Midgaard for the first time. It was a pretty cool game. I won, surprisingly enough.
The punishment talk is because it was apparently bad enough that W was getting ready to discipline (grounding). I was trying to be supportive. I didn't word it as "you should" but it was a little bit past "this is what I do."
I don't think W really knows our child, anymore. She's changed a lot in the last few months, and W wasn't there for the changes. W's parenting style can be summed up as "yelling and spanking." That hasn't worked very well with D in the past (she has her mother's temper, and a contrary streak) and I sincerely doubt it will work any better with the kid she's turning into.
If anyone wants to offer me any advice on this, I'm all ears. Here's the advice I gave her:
"She does well if you talk to her calmly. If you look at her and count, she'll settle down by 2, usually. She's been spanked once in three months. She WANTS to be good, you just have to get through to her. She also has to be able to run a little wild so she feels free. If you give her independence, then she'll settle down. And then you can threaten to take that away if you need to. She loves her friends here and she WILL be good if I tell her she won't be able to play with them if she doesn't do better."
Yeah, I probably didn't have to remind her. As to why I did it? I got to see D on a Friday afternoon, and I got to pick her up from school in the "normal" way. In the past, Friday was always OUR day (we work half days on Friday here, and I always picked her up from school. It was special to me). Having that again for a day was actually nice.
I know where youre coming from. Every minute extra you can spend with your kid is awesome. Im just all for the regularity of the schedule. Divorce is hard on kids. As much as I love seeing them, selfishly, sometimes, I think having the regularity in the scheduling helps them more than seeing me extra would.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
If anyone wants to offer me any advice on this, I'm all ears. Here's the advice I gave her:
"She does well if you talk to her calmly. If you look at her and count, she'll settle down by 2, usually. She's been spanked once in three months. She WANTS to be good, you just have to get through to her. She also has to be able to run a little wild so she feels free. If you give her independence, then she'll settle down. And then you can threaten to take that away if you need to. She loves her friends here and she WILL be good if I tell her she won't be able to play with them if she doesn't do better."
I know your intent is to tell her how you parent, but can you see how it would likely come off to her as....preachy? Like, EastTN's way is the ONLY way to parent, and Mrs. EastTN isnt doing it correctly. Your goal is CO-parenting. Which means this should be collaborative. But the tone of this is that only you know what your D needs and W has to follow suit if she expects D to behave. Change the 'you's to 'I's so that she can weigh that against her style and figure out what works best at each place.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
Played Champions of Midgaard for the first time. It was a pretty cool game. I won, surprisingly enough.
I played that once. Wasnt a huge fan. Wish you got more 'special powers' that let you actually be better round to round. Glad you had fun!
I agree about messing with her schedule. I hated that she did it. Since the schedule was messed with anyway, though, I went with it. In the future, I'll tell them to send her to after school. The fact that D was disappointed to see me really made me sad, too.
Yes, I see how I came off as preachy. I'll try to be more aware of how I'm saying what I'm saying.
W sent me a spewing text last night about how D didn't want to go out to dinner with her on Thursday, and didn't want to go to her house on mother's say, and how this was all my fault, and BS. I just said "All I say to her is "mommy loves you, daddy loves you, and none of this is your fault."" and that I would never do anything to hurt their relationship. She didn't bother to respond.
GAL is indeed pretty fun! My next phase of GAL starts this weekend. I have a DR appt Friday, and should get the new FAA form filled out, and I plan to be in the airport and in the air on Saturday if I can. REALLY looking forward to that, according to my logbook my last flight was in 2010, and the one before that was in 2006. "Rediscovering your hobbies" is awesome advice, especially when one of those hobbies is flying airplanes!
