At this point in the process it seems that I am back into limbo again. We haven't talked about the relationship since I was in Alaska. She is talking to me differently when she text me, more like we are friends but that is the only real change. It's been a day since I have last talked to her and the weekend is coming on, so I doubt she will even think of me because she will be distracted with having fun on the weekend. It seems she has gone back to living as if she is a single woman. I am going to wait to see if she actually reaches out to me again. The way it seems to be going is that she reaches out to me then the a day or two goes by then I reach out to her and then it's her turn again. I wonder if she see's this same pattern or if I should keep it going? I am thinking of seeing if she will reach out to me twice in a row all on her own.
more later. (I'm with my youngest for Mother's Day).
The comparison between California and Alaska only highlights my point.
Yes I've lived in both and I greatly prefer California but who cares?
This is more of you "reasoning" about her feelings.
It does not matter where You THINK is best, it matters where SHE FEELS most supported. Her preferences matter more, first, AND second, She's not well. She'll be alone a lot if she's far from her support system. That's what moving back there, means to HER.
Your decision & "Logical arguments" about what you think is best for her or what you think will really help HER underlying problems
and that you moving near her family is not really going to fix her underlying problems (and therefore she should follow you...??? )
or how you believe her symptoms are going to be best treated, away from her family and with you,
are just you don't get to decide. You don't seem to see how your bias is self serving either. But her family does.
That was the part^^ that reminded me of my h. He didn't respect my preferences and even though I had great "reasons" for my preferences, I don't think that was the threshold consideration. Why weren't my feelings important enough?
As I said, and mean this literally & with all my heart - if he'd wanted to live in a state that did not have the letter "A" in it, and he really felt that way for real (however neurotic a reason he had) I would have accepted that.
I'd have STFU and moved to Mississippi, Ohio, Oregon, New Mexico....
catch my drift?
it's not about who has the "best" reasons (which apparently you get to decide)
it's about putting her emotional well being and HER wants, ahead of your own.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
more later. (I'm with my youngest for Mother's Day).
The comparison between California and Alaska only highlights my point.
Yes I've lived in both and I greatly prefer California but who cares?
This is more of you "reasoning" about her feelings.
It does not matter where You THINK is best, it matters where SHE FEELS most supported. Her preferences matter more, first, AND second, She's not well. She'll be alone a lot if she's far from her support system. That's what moving back there, means to HER.
Your decision & "Logical arguments" about what you think is best for her or what you think will really help HER underlying problems
and that you moving near her family is not really going to fix her underlying problems (and therefore she should follow you...??? )
or how you believe her symptoms are going to be best treated, away from her family and with you,
are just you don't get to decide. You don't seem to see how your bias is self serving either. But her family does.
That was the part^^ that reminded me of my h. He didn't respect my preferences and even though I had great "reasons" for my preferences, I don't think that was the threshold consideration. Why weren't my feelings important enough?
As I said, and mean this literally & with all my heart - if he'd wanted to live in a state that did not have the letter "A" in it, and he really felt that way for real (however neurotic a reason he had) I would have accepted that.
I'd have STFU and moved to Mississippi, Ohio, Oregon, New Mexico....
catch my drift?
it's not about who has the "best" reasons (which apparently you get to decide)
it's about putting her emotional well being and HER wants, ahead of your own.
Happy Mothers Day! I spent all day with my family today to celebrate mothers day early, so we can miss the crowds tomorrow. I hope you had a good day! Thanks for taking the time out on your special day to write a response. My situation seems to hit home with you.
I had no doubt what your reaction to what I said was going to be and I can see why you say it. I am not dumb to what I am saying at all and how it can look. Still with the idea that moving to VA where she is at will not be a fix to the problems we have, because I think a lot of the problems we have are more about her not being happy with herself.
I am being selfish to want to continue to keep the house I work hard to buy and most of the work I done in the house was so that she could move into it. We did a lot to this house together and I am reminded of her just being in it. I also think that the issues she had with being in CA could easily be fixed, which I wish I would have done differently before hand. Even talking to her about the issue of her living here she said that it would have made a difference if changes had been made. So yes, I suppose we are both being selfish. I come to think of it being much more practical to stay in CA then trying to move in with her parents in VA.
I still think I want to pose the question of moving to VA and see what she thinks of that, but I honestly think she will have another reason to not want that. I feel she poses it as a problem because she feels it is something that I won't do, so it gives her a reason why things won't work. I feel it is a bit of a game on her part. I really don't feel like it is the time to ask right now though.
We seem to be getting along much better when we text now, which is an odd feeling for me. She last reached out to me on Wednesday and she reached out again today after seeing family pictures being posted up by my mom. I was wondering if she would be the one to reach out again or not. Actually out of the last 4 times I have talked to her she has been the one to initiate the text 3 of those times. Her attitude is completely different when talking to her. She is very friendly and light in the conversation and asks questions about things and keep the conversation going by ending with questions. She even is putting lots of punctuation and smiley faces and laughing in the texts too. She even ended this text message with good night and sweet dreams.
Now that she seems to be texting me more often and initiating it, should I return by initiating text too? This seems like the time that I should be working on being a friend to her and maybe making the texting a two way street as far as initiating goes. Or should I continue to detach and just let her be the one to text me and initiate conversation? I was thinking about things while talking to her tonight and I had sure I said good night first. Should I a little more mysterious and cut the texting off earlier? Tonight she didn't text me until about 10 her time and then we text back and forth until about 2 am her time. I was actually really shocked that she contacted me on a Saturday night in the first place. She told me she had even left the house all day and was just doing some online classes and that was it.
I have some goals that I hope I can finally get started on now that I am not crazy busy since I have been home. One is to finish reading the DR book and the second one is to write the letter that I want to send to her and have you guys help me critique it.
Curious if anyone has ever written a letter to their ex or WAW before and how did it go. I feel right now that is will be the best way for me to communicate with my wife. I think a letter will ensure that she will read it all in its entirety without disruptions and get her to think about thinks. I am actually sitting down today to write such a letter. Any advice on it would help. I still plan on posting it up for review by you guys. I know it can't be to personal for rules of the website, so hopefully Im not violating any rules by doing it.
keep it short. How would the marriage be different than before? Be specific. Address HER concerns about the m.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
keep it short. How would the marriage be different than before? Be specific. Address HER concerns about the m.
Keeping it short is the hard part. I have so many things going through my head and I want to say. I think I'm going to have to get things out and then start weeding things out might be the best way.
she will NOT hear what you say if you get too wordy. She will tune out huge chunks and hone in on what she fears or wants to hear (depending on her agenda and openness)
and neither is your goal.
Your goal is to express yourself, - NOT to convince her of anything.
Also, just like juries, WAS's or MLCers or whatever label you choose, do NOT want long speeches or pages to read. Don't make it homework to read.
Keep it simple. What can you possibly want to say that is beyond a page?
I mean, given the things you have already said,
What actions are you taking to SHOW change in YOU??
Because the rest of it sounds more like Charlie Brown's teacher...
Wah wah wah wah...
There is power in economy of words.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
she will NOT hear what you say if you get too wordy. She will tune out huge chunks and hone in on what she fears or wants to hear (depending on her agenda and openness)
and neither is your goal.
Your goal is to express yourself, - NOT to convince her of anything.
I can certainly agree with this, but my method of getting there is to put a lot out and then find the parts that really mean the most to me as the message I want to get out to her. I am certainly not wanting to convince her of anything or try to manipulate anything out of her. I don't want her back if it isn't mutual and genuine. I really want to get out that I understand things and have reflected a great deal on it and I am making honest changes for myself to make myself a better person.
Also, just like juries, WAS's or MLCers or whatever label you choose, do NOT want long speeches or pages to read. Don't make it homework to read.
Keep it simple. What can you possibly want to say that is beyond a page?
I mean, given the things you have already said,
What actions are you taking to SHOW change in YOU??
Because the rest of it sounds more like Charlie Brown's teacher...
So I can talk to my wife about anything as long as it doesn't relate her to San Diego. For instance I was talking to her last night about my buddy Darvey being over and his little boy Alex who is 5 years old and who loves my wife. As soon as I mention that Alex asked about her she completely ignores that anything was even said. She will answer anything else, but anything that links her to her past here she ignores. Why is that? What is the reasoning behind it? I'm not trying to mind read her or care to much about it, but I would like to understand why. It helps me to understand things more when I get insight like this. What harm would it do for her to acknowledge that the little guy misses her. Is it simply because it makes her feel guilty and think about what she has left and what she is doing?
It could well be shame. If I suggest in any way that my children are hurting, in pain, etc. I get a rage. If I factually state something like "D failed her class" then all is good. If I say, "D is really hurting and as a result she isn't able to do her homework and is failing her class," then the rage is rapidly present and I am being told what a horrible mother I am and dangerous to my children.
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