It'so hard for me to not analyze what's going on. W has been talking more and more lately and coming to me. She's also been staying in the room with me. A month ago, she would have ran from any room she caught herself in with me.
I have these short bursts of clarity and realize that nothing will change unless we both are willing to put in the work. And she's not willing to look in the mirror to own her stuff.
As you've pulled back and given her space and concentrated on yourself, she's noticed and is now doing what distancers do: trying to nudge back toward you to make sure you're still there, ready to pursue again. When you do, she'll pull back, again, and around and around you and your sanity will go.
As long as this dynamic is in place, your R will not be a good one. I have lived it. Keep doing what you're doing. In fact, double down on those things. She'll either have a full-on epiphany that what she does doesn't work for her, either, and will embark on fundamental change, or she won't. You can't control that and can only create the conditions that would allow it. Which is training yourself not to pursue, to drop the rope, etc.
Even if it doesn't work -- and it may not (distancing is the product of a lifetime of stuff that isn't easily unpacked) -- you're setting yourself up for a better life going forward without unhealthy attachments/co-dependencies.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
We came down and lit in to me again about everything last night. She wants me to give her money to start her new life. Her reasoning is that she invested 6 years of herself into our relationship and will have nothing once she moves. I told her I invested 6 years as well and that I wasn't going to "pay her off". She then told me if I didn't have my stuff out of storage by the time she packed up her U-Haul, that my stuff was going in the trash. I said ok and didnt react. I'll get my stuff out before she packs up the U-Haul. Then she goes on to tell me that I was never a father to her D (I have to admit, I almost took the bait on this because I was extremely offended by her comment).
Basically, she's doing everything in her power to get me to react so she point the finger at me again. I haven't reacted to her at all in the last month in a half so I think she's running out of ammunition to support her decisions.
I explained that her decisions were hers. And the results of those decisions were her's to own. She didnt like that answer and stormed off slamming doors.
Then I get a text from her after I've fell asleep. She says she is sorry for all the things she had done. She is scared about starting over and without a job and wants me to be happy.
It amazes me when the WAS becomes someone we dont even recognize anymore. Some of the things she has told me have really shocked me.
Honestly, I don't think W really wants to go through with this. But I think she has demonized me to so many people that changing her mind would make her look really bad.
I explained that her decisions were hers. And the results of those decisions were her's to own. She didnt like that answer and stormed off slamming doors.
Bingo. It's like this happy little picture where the grass is greener, but it comes with all new problems, challenges, pains. I know it's tough to stay and work through it, but divorce is just a short-term solution that creates new longer-term problems IMHO.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
