Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[job]

Coly,

He does miss you and your daughter, even if he won't admit it.

There is nothing wrong in having hope. Sometimes hope is what keeps us going.

Dress nicely, do your make up and you might want to consider changing your hair style just a wee bit. Spritz some nice perfume on and knock his socks off on Sunday. Stay positive. I know you can do this!

[skm0619]

Coly.....I can hear your anxiety in all of this, and I am so sorry things are tough right now.

I remember the first time I saw my H after not seeing him for 4 months....I was freaking out and so scared he was going to say things I didn't want to hear. I remember coming here and telling everyone I was scared to meet with him. Several on here gave me some very excellent advice. I remember Bluwave wrote this to me and it was very helpful, so I will pass it along to you.

She said:

You can do this!!! Prepare for the worst, and do not let that (or him) change your course. If you can do this, you will feel so much better about yourself. He doesn't determine how you respond, got it??? Even if he shows up with D papers and says/does the most unimaginable things--I'm never coming back, I want D, and I never loved you, spew, spew, etc--you are going to do the same exact thing. Got it?

Here it is: Poker face. Listen, listen, and listen. Say nothing! Read up on the validation cheat sheets and use them all. Those are your best friends right now. Let him do all the talking. Got it??? Even if he lies, spews, attacks, and makes things up. Just listen. Offer nothing as to where you stand, feel, and what you want--he already knows anyway. It's ok if he thinks you are losing interest--that's ok right now. He needs to see you are not angry and that you are safe to approach.

If he tries to ask you questions, or engage you, just listen and tell him you have a lot to think about. Or thank you for asking. I have a lot on my mind right now. Or turn that chit right around on him---can you elaborate on that? I'm thinking and wondering why you're asking. Can I get back to you on that? I need some time to think. Got it???

Coly, I remember taking a picture of this post on my phone and I read it right before I meet with H. I thought about what Blu said and I managed to apply what was suggested and believe it or not, my H opened up like a book to me. As painful as it was to sit there and listen and validate him, that is exactly what I did. We ended up speaking for a very long time ...... I wouldn't suggest you do that because I was mentally exhausted after that night.

Please don't try to mind read....I know it is hard, trust me I do. I still do it to this day, and it never serves me.

Be good to yourself, and just be the sweet, kind person that we all know you are, and if he cant see that then it really is his loss.

Of course I made sure that I looked really good, and had on some perfume he had previously given me as a gift

[Coly23]

Thank you Job. For some reason I always feel guilty for having hope because H told me on several occasions that he doesn't want to give it to me. I can see now that the way he acts around me is to try to steer me away from finding any nugget of change or ray of light that might give me hope so mostly I try to convince myself that I shouldn't look for it.

SKM, thanks so much for your visit and for posting Blu's words. I am going to look at that and also Job's posts before I meet with him to give me some pma and confidence to be myself. My H is not and has never been good at opening up so I don't imagine that will happen at least not tomorrow. From experience he will probably just fire a bunch of questions at me so he can find out what myself and D have been up to but give very little away about himself. Par for the course.

Happy weekend everyone!

[job]

Coly,

If he fires off a bunch of questions, be selective in answering them. You don't have to tell him everything, i.e., by a bit mysterious. Share just a wee bit and leave the rest for him to puzzle over when he's not around the you.

Smile, nod when he's speaking and really listen to what he says. If he opens up, he may very well tell on himself, as to what he's doing/thinking. You have to sift through his words to find the meaning. Also, watch his body language.

You can do this. Think of him as your next door neighbor and you'll be just fine.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job.

Well I met H for coffee today. It was okay. We chatted generally about home and work stuff. I did what Job suggested and sifted through what he was saying.

Basically he has hidden himself away for a year and only goes to work and sees a select few friends. He didn't say as much but it was obvious as I knew more about what his friends are up to than he does and that is saying something. Although he smiled a lot he did not seem happy and I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better he really did not look content with his lot.

I cut the meeting after an hour because I really had to be somewhere. He had gone to the men's room and came back to sit down and I shot up from my chair and asked if he was ready to go. We had finished our coffee by then so no point in hanging around. He looked a little suprised!

Yesterday was our godson's birthday. The son of H's BF whose wife wasn't very nice to me at another friend's funeral and who I haven't seen since September last year. I texted her a few weeks ago to ask what godson would like for his birthday and she invited me and D to his birthday party today which is why I had to leave H when I did. I was shocked however to find out from H that he hadn't seen our godson as yet for his birthday and had only seen his BF at hockey which finished at the beginning of April. We used to see them at least once a week and spent many holidays with them. So my thoughts of them spending a lot of time together are all unfounded.

When we got to my godsons's party it was really nice. Like my friend and I had never fallen out. She didn't speak to me about H but she did mention to D that H has just buried himself and just acts really weirdly when they do see him.

Anyway back to H. When we walked back to our cars he gave me a good luck card to give to D for her exams. He then asked if I could send him a copy of her exam timetable. To be honest I was a bit speechless and asked him why he wanted it. He said he just wanted to know when her exams are. He then said he doesn't know if D wants to see him but he didn't want to broach the subject with her just before her exams. I was a little un-DB and said that she is still very hurt and he said he knows. He looked very upset. I asked him when he wanted to get his stuff and he stuttered a bit that he would "text me..come over... I'll let you know". So not quite sure what he wants to do if anything.

All in all it was a pleasant meeting. He obviously hasn't found the nirvana he was hoping to find by leaving me. Instead he has found a lot of opposition from his friends and so he doesn't see them anymore. His idea of being able to drop everything to go and see friends was a lot of BS too as he mentioned his friend annoys him as he doesn't want to arrange stuff and instead wants H to just drop by and see them. I felt pretty sorry for him today.

[Altair]

Coly,
thanks for this update. I think you collected a lot of information and need to process it. Your H sounds miserable-- they still trust us to tell us who they see/don't see, their present lives (having "escaped"). I too, as of late was hearing about H's fights with this person or that, his mother is mad at him, etc. Keep up the good work, Coly, focus on you and D16.
hugs

A

[job]

Coly,

I think you did a great job on listening and shifting through his words. See...I told you that you could do it. He's not the happy camper that you thought he was. He's still confused and is confining himself to only work and a few friends. That doesn't sound like a happy person to me...but a depressed one.

Keep up the good work and when you feel anxious...stop, sit down and breathe. You are right where you need to be at this time. Hang in there!

[Coly23]

Thanks Altair and Job.

Altair - that's interesting that you are finding out some little tidbits about what is gong on with your H. Why is his Mum mad at him?

Job - I actually felt sick before I was to meet up with H but afterwards I was quite happy with the way it went. I was very proud that I didn't try to arrange to meet up again which a few months, even weeks ago, I would have done! Do you think he is still in replay?

This meeting has helped me feel a little more confident in that his unhappiness isn't all about me. Also, because I was a mess at the start I haven't been socialising with his friends so I just assumed they were all seeing each other as before and having a fabulous time without me! It's amazing how much stuff you can make up in your head!

Another thing which I thought was strange, and I don't want to analyse too much, was when we were in the coffee shop he was buying and I went to find a seat as it was quite busy. I managed to find a small round table in the window with three seats but it was squashed between two larger tables. There were two seats in the window and one seat facing the window. Because it was quite a tight squeeze to get to the two seats in the window I took one of those seats intending for H to have the seat on the opposite side. However when he brought the drinks he squeezed himself through and sat in the seat next to me in the window. Why this is significant for me is that whenever he used to come over he always sat in the chair furthest away from me. In the coffee shop today our knees were literally touching and he didn't flinch!

I guess it's back to going NC again unless he contacts me. I'm not going to bother to send him D's exam timetable. It's just a strange request, like he wants everyone to see what a great step-dad he is. I don't feel like being his PA. I'm sure he can find the information himself if he really wanted it...

[Coly23]

Okay so I think I messed up. Feeling really weak and rubbishy about it.

After getting all brave and telling H that he could come and his stuff from the house anytime he wanted he did text me today and asked if I would leave a key out for him tomorrow. I panicked and said it was too short notice and was he annoyed with me (?). He said he wasn't annoyed he just thought he would pick up a few bits. So really at that point I should have said 'okay' but I went into why after making a huge decision to leave me he has just sat back and let me make all the decisions so it looks like I am the one pushing things forward. He said he didn't think I was pushing things and that he didn't really need to get his stuff. So I responded that I am trying to be brave but that it is killing me (ugh). He just said don't worry and that he doesn't need to get anything and then asked me about godson's birthday.

I feel like he is keeping me sweet because of D. I think if it wasn't for her he would have lost patience over my flakyness a long time ago. I need to pull myself together. He doesn't want to be with me. It's over and I NEED to let go for my own sanity...

I have prepared a text to send him and wondered what your thoughts were:

"No, I have to be brave. I have to respect your wishes and your feelings. This situation is not what I want but I realise that you needed to leave to be happy because I was making you said. I care about you enough to want what is best for you and if this makes you happy then I accept it. I always held a little bit of hope that you left your things here because you are still unsure of how you feel but now I realise that was foolish of me. These are your belongings and they belong with you. The reason why I have found it so hard is because you taking your stuff from here symbolises for me the last intimate links we have to each other. Anyway, I left the key for you in the usual place. Take care"

I feel like such an idiot! This goes to show that maybe I am not ready to be making decisions like this. Maybe I shouldn't send that text but does it make me look like I'm flip-flopping all over the place?! Ugh!!

[OwnIt]

Coly, you don't need anyone here to tell you what to do, you know what to do. You don't cure your overly emotional pursuing language with more of the same. You know this only pushes him away. How about you text him the following instead: "I left the key for you in the usual place. Come get your stuff when you want. Take care"

You don't have to give up on him forever, but you do have to give up on him for now. You can do that. Do it for Coly and D.