He is in the house getting his stuff together ready to leave forever. We are like room mates. We talk - he chats about silly things like normal - I listen although I am dying on the inside as all I want is a kiss and a cuddle and a reminder of what was. I look at pictures - all seem like I am looking at 2 different people - I can hardly remember those times.
I am doing OK - getting on with work and GAL, but in the back of my mind I am counting down the days until the day he boards that plane and its killing me. To watch him fly out of my life forever - when I thought he was my forever.
We spoke last night and he told me that it is killing him to see how much this has hurt/is hurting me, but he can't help his unhappiness. He said the doesn't know what the catalyst was or why now all he knows is that our marriage wasn't working, couldn't be fixed but cant state what was wrong and what couldn't be fixed.
He has so much momentum and almost excitement for the path and new life he is off to lead - or that is how is appears and feels, where I am left here with the memories or what was, constantly wondering what could have been and not knowing why things failed - I imagine he will take those reasons to the grave with him.
I know I will be OK - I really have no choice. Just wish things were different - wish I knew where things went wrong - wish I knew how to stop his unhappiness - wish I could know that I will be happy.
This [censored] - this hurts and I'm in a constant state of grief - maybe it will become easier when he is gone although I dread that day so much, but maybe not having to see him, see how sad he is, maybe that will make it easier.
You could have written that whole post about me. And, I suspect, a number of others on this board will feel the same way. I feel for you, and wish I could do something more tangible to help, but just know you have our support. You can do this.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
So another week has passed. Over the weekend he has been doing things to the house "to help" me when he's gone. He's been busy painting and fixing things - to our home..... soon to be my home.
He opened up over the weekend - he cried. He told me that he can not be the man I need or deserve. He said that he is a mess and does not believe he can be helped. He said maybe it was him - the sadness from him - that has made him want to walk away from our marriage. He said that he doesnt believe our marriage can be fixed either. He started sobbing when he said that he doesn't want me out of his life...... but he does want a divorce.
Am i being stupid? What does he think divorce is - he doesn't want me out of his life, but he doesn't want me to be part of it either.
I've cried myself to sleep every night so far as I do not know what to do. Do we start divorce proceedings as he seems so sure that its what he wants, or do I wait, let him return to the UK and seek help, and see if he gets himself sorted and if that changes his view on our marriage? If he gets help - how is he supposed to work on our marriage from 4000 miles away? Is it even possible for people living in separate countries to re-kindle any form of relationship?
I don't want to be his safety blanket/ 2nd choice - he gets home - realizes life wasn't so bad with me then comes back...... I'm so confused.
I wish i had a crystal ball to know that letting him go is the right thing - i no longer know what I am trying to hold onto - is it the "used to" factor - i like his company and am used to having him around.......... or am I trying to save our marriage so we can be as happy as we once were....
Regardless - 2 weeks till he goes - I'm terrified of the future whether together or apart. I've got to the point where I want it to be together but no longer know how we could do that.
He opened up over the weekend - he cried. He told me that he can not be the man I need or deserve. He said that he is a mess and does not believe he can be helped. He said maybe it was him - the sadness from him - that has made him want to walk away from our marriage. He said that he doesnt believe our marriage can be fixed either. He started sobbing when he said that he doesn't want me out of his life...... but he does want a divorce.
Sure sounds like MLC. If it is he's likely to be like this for quite a while. You've got to take yourself off of his roller coaster. I actually think it'll get a lot better when he moves out, because it'll be a lot easier for you to focus on you.
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Am i being stupid? What does he think divorce is - he doesn't want me out of his life, but he doesn't want me to be part of it either.
It is absolutely not you. MLCers do this kind of crazy stuff, it makes no sense at all. They flip and flip back and forth, sometimes from one day to the next, other times from one minute to the next.
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Do we start divorce proceedings as he seems so sure that its what he wants, or do I wait, let him return to the UK and seek help, and see if he gets himself sorted and if that changes his view on our marriage?
If you don't want D then just leave it alone. That is up to him to work through. Don't do any of the work for him. I have a feeling that if left to his own devices he will never file, or at least not for quite a while.
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If he gets help - how is he supposed to work on our marriage from 4000 miles away?
He needs to work on himself, not the M. He's a hot mess. He thinks the M is why, but once he's out he'll realize that all the problems just follow him to wherever he goes, because it is HIM that is the problem and not you. But it can take a long, long time for him to sort that out. If you haven't spent time on the MLC forum then head there and read the stickies and some of the threads.
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Is it even possible for people living in separate countries to re-kindle any form of relationship?
It is, we don't get many long-distance sitches here but I do remember two stories from years ago where they eventually reconciled, one the people were on opposite sides of the US and the other they were in different countries. WAS's need time and space and moving to another country certainly gives them that.
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I wish i had a crystal ball to know that letting him go is the right thing
It is absolutely the right thing. You can't control him, you can't make him love you, you can't love him out of MLC. If you were asking if you should kick him out that would be another matter, but asking if you should let him go, that's easy. Never try to hold them back, it just makes them resent you. You've got to "open the cage door", it's up to them whether they want to step out of the cage or not.
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Regardless - 2 weeks till he goes - I'm terrified of the future whether together or apart.
We all fear the unknown. I was so scared after my W left, and scared of the strangest things. I remember one time I looked at the (perfectly good fairly new) carpet and thought "oh my gosh, what if that needs replacing, how am I going to afford that now that W is gone???" I had a thousand thoughts a day like that over really strange stuff. But you learn, adapt, modify, become independent. And somewhere along the line you realize you're going to be fine. Then later you realize you're going to be way better than just "fine". Give yourself the gift of time!
Well I came home from work last night. My H said that he wants to hold off on the Divorce. He said he will return to the UK and seek some help - he said he recognizes he needs help.
He said he doesn't want to give me false hope. but maybe if he gets the help, it will help him view the marriage differently. I don't know - is he just prolonging my agony?
He said he was going to go out with friends that evening. I was taking a visiting colleague from work out for dinner. After I dropped my work colleague off, I saw my H at one of the bars - he was sat there with the OW whom he says there is nothing going on with. He called a short while later from the bar and asked how my night was. He then mentioned that she had just shown up - didn't stay long and had left.
He told me he was going to spend the night at a friends house named Al - I want to believe him. He told me she had left. He said he was on his way there. When i checked the bank acc this morning - it appears he had actually gone to another night club, not to Al's - Maybe its perfectly innocent that they went somewhere else before crashing at Al's - maybe she was there, maybe she wasn't - he didn't have to tell me she was there in the first place...... I feel sick in my stomach.
I'm sat at home - 2 week countdown till he goes. I want to believe that he will seek help, i want to think that it will maybe help our marriage, but now - the feelings of jealousy and sickness in the pit off my stomach are making me wonder if we should just go our separate ways - he's leaving the country anyway.........
I feel for you, Island. I guess if you still want the marriage to work out, remember it's a marathon and not a sprint. If you are sick of the feelings of jealousy and doubt, tell him you think he's full of s*&t and proceed with the divorce.
Since I'm the hopeful type, I'd chose to believe he's lying about going to Al's, but sincere in his wavering on the divorce and getting help in the UK. The upside to being in the UK is that he will definitively be away from OW.
No matter what, though, I think the solution is to continue GAL; that way you win either way.
Good luck, and please keep us posted.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
SO we are down to the final few days - It has been incredibly hard. Am struggling with GAL as with him leaving I don't want to go out incase he wants to do something - chat etc. I'm not suffocating him or following him about - I'm watching my shows or chilling in the garden and he comes over to me to ask if I want to do something or watch something together. I have promised myself to really work on GAL once he leaves - again, I know I should do it regardless, but there are only a few days left and I want to cherish each of them.
It was a long weekend here - We have spent some nice time together - walked the dogs on the beach, sat in a beach bar, went paddle boarding - he kept saying he regrets that we didn't do this type of stuff more often.
He said that he "wants to want our marriage to work," but right now, because of the way he feels, he just wants nothing, feels nothing and needs to get his head straight. I admit, that sentence concerns me - Want to want, which means he doesnt want - or am i reading too much into it?
We've had some chats - he has opened up about his feelings - he said he regrets not being more available with his time. He appreciates we got lazy and complacent - he accepts that this is normal, but he just doesn't feel like he can do anything at this moment.
We have separated all our finances.... seems very final.. I said to him that I am scared that when I take him to the airport that it will be goodbye - he says that "we don't know that it will be" "he doesn't want it to be".
I know I shouldn't be clinging to hope, but I have 2 days till I watch the man I thought would be with me forever, board a plane and potentially fly out of my life for the rest of my life.
I know it will be easier after he leaves - things are a bit awkward in the house - he comes for a hug - I go for a hug - he even accidentally went to kiss me as I left the other day. He also has told me that he loves me, always will. He has said it to me the last couple of days now.
I know this is going to get a lot worse before any chance of it getting any better. I have some things lined up for after he leaves Friday. Dinner with friends on Sat and cinema with friends on Sunday - don't feel like being alone in the house if I'm honest - its going to be very quiet and lonely. I am trying to keep a positive outlook - that this may be what we both need - if things work out, maybe this will make us stronger, if it doesn't, maybe having the extra time will allow me to realize what I want and that I am OK.
Really appreciate you all listening to me chasing my tail, rehashing everything. Hopefully soon I will make some progress on my own.
So the H has left the country and returned home. His last night was a completely awful experience.
We were sat talking and he suddenly lost it and started smashing up furniture and breaking plant pots - completely lost it. Kept saying he can't go on - he then threw himself in the pool and tried to grab the heaviest pot to weigh himself down - I was begging with him to stop - he scared me. Luckily the pool cleaners arrived and he stormed into the house. I found him lying on the flood sobbing - saying sorry for being such a screw up, sorry for scaring me, sorry for hurting me, he knows he needs help and he doesn't want to leave but he has to.
We hugged for ages. He spent his last night in our room - nothing sexual or intimate - just cuddled up and fell asleep.
The next morning, his final morning - we cleaned the house, hugged lots - he told me he loved me and cried a lot. When it came time for him to leave he broke down as he got his bags. He sobbed saying good bye to the dogs.
We drove to the airport - time just seemed to fly by. I stood in the security line with him - he kept squeezing my hand - telling me that he is going to work really hard on sorting himself out because he wants to want our marriage. I returned his wedding ring to him and he started sobbing. He put it on his finger. We hugged so tightly and I hated letting him go through the door. He kissed me...... first time he has in a long time - he told me he loved me and then was gone......
I stood outside the door watching him get further away - our eyes never left each other. Then i could see him no more so I walked away. Moments later my phone started ringing - it was him - he said he couldnt see me - so I ran back to the doors and he was at the far side, crying and looking for me. He mouthed that he loved me.....
I don't think I have ever cried so much. I'm crying as i recount it and type it.
I walked away - and i hate to say it, but I almost felt relief when i got home - the pressure has gone.... but I miss him so much - the house feels so quiet and empty.
The last few nights I have slept without crying and I had some time with my friends which has been great
He has messaged me to say he has arrived safely and he misses me already. I want to believe that we will find out way back to each other - I want to believe it so badly.
I don't know what to do with myself today. I have kept myself busy, but i find myself just checking my phone to see if he's online. I know i shouldn't. This is so hard - i know i need to give him space - i know i need to keep GAL but all i want is him to fly back to me and come home. I do not know how I am going to get through this. Its only been a couple of days and I could be looking at months - even longer.....
My heart is so broken - broken because i hated seeing him so broken, hate some of the things he has done to me........ but I want to forgive him, i want to see him get help and find happiness and hopefully for it to include me.
Island, You can do this. He needs time and space to remember that you are the best thing that's ever happened to him. Let him have them.
The fact that he was so disconsolate is a good one, I think. He is starting to remember why and how much he loves you and what he is losing. He needs to remember these things so he is willing to do the hard work to put the marriage back together, but you need to give him time and distance.
But, the fact remains, he may never come back, and you need to disconnect and GAL without him. Easier said than done, I know. But you can do this.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
He said that he "wants to want our marriage to work," but right now, because of the way he feels, he just wants nothing, feels nothing and needs to get his head straight. I admit, that sentence concerns me - Want to want, which means he doesnt want - or am i reading too much into it?
My W keeps saying this as well. I think IC or MC will help with that. Obviously with him out of the country it hopefully means he seeks IC at 'home'. But I am confused and concerned about my W saying this exact phrase.
So we are over the 1 week mark - feels like an eternity. He has called a couple of times. Like you @Tobias, I do not know how to take the "i want to want" - i find it troubling and confusing.....
The conversations have been ok - its hard to know what to talk about. I know I need to disconnect, but i don't know how to. I don't want to sound too happy with the things I have been doing, as yes, I have been happy spending time with my friends, but I don't want him to think I am moving on - the fact is all I want to do is share the happiness with him..... yet I also don't want to sound like a misery - where is the balance?
Our last conversation wasn't great - he literally called for a couple of minutes - and i did snap and say its like he can't even make time to have a conversation with me...... he said its because he needs time and space...... I said is the Atlantic Ocean between us not enough? I know I shouldn't have, but I just feel like maybe I am some kind of safety blanket for him - if he doesn't like this new life he can come back to the good old wife who loves him.....
I think i am emotionally done in this week - tomorrow would have been our 8 year anniversary...... 8 years ago i was so excited and now all I want to do is close my eyes and pretend none of this is happening......
I keep telling myself he may never come back - but I don't want to believe that.
