You guys aren't going to beleive this 3

[Thornton]

Thanks, Bdog.

I'm really trying to convince myself to let her go once and for all. This is the 3rd time she's left it's usually when we are looking to take the next step in our relationship that we will have some sort of disgreement and then she will drop the bomb.

I have to have blind faith that I will heal from this and learn alot about myself.

I don't ever want to go through this again, I'm sure it's taken years off my life.

I also don't want to become so jaded that I never try again with anyone else.

As for how I'm feeling right now, I'm done. I dont want W back. I was living in a fantasy world and idealizing her and creating this image of her in my mind that did not accurately reflect who she really was or what she really believed in.

I also know that this is a roller coaster, and my thoughts and feelings with flip flop back and forth.

I feel my anger building and I want to call her out on her BS. With some distance, I'm starting to see it wasn't all my fault. And she is more than happy to place all the blame on me and publicly announce it. I won't resort to doing that. As much as I want to defend myself, I'm not going to. This is a 180 for me and I'm not doing it to get W back. I'm doing this to prove to myself that I can rise above this without reacting to my thoughts and emotions.

I'm hoping today is the beginning of a new journey for me. I have no idea what to expect as I feel like I'm floundering in a giant sea of uncertainty. But I'm bound and determined to stand up and find out who I really am. I'm tired of the fear and I'm tired of not believing in myself.

[EastTN]

I'm hoping today is the beginning of a new journey for me. I have no idea what to expect as I feel like I'm floundering in a giant sea of uncertainty. But I'm bound and determined to stand up and find out who I really am. I'm tired of the fear and I'm tired of not believing in myself.

T,

That's the man you are. That's the man I've seen in every post you've made, even when you're down on yourself. That's the man who is going to get through this and find his life is better than ever, no matter what W does.

Keep repeating what you wrote EVERY day. Make it a mantra. Write it in dry erase marker on your bathroom mirror. Own it.

[Bdog37]

I'm really trying to convince myself to let her go once and for all. This is the 3rd time she's left it's usually when we are looking to take the next step in our relationship that we will have some sort of disgreement and then she will drop the bomb.

Hang in there and I know you have been DB'ing for a much longer time than me. I personally decided I was done in my M because I realized one day that I deserved better. Can't tell you how to let her go, or even if you should, but I can tell you that it does get better.

We may truly never "let go" of our S's, but I know that overtime things do get easier. DB is a lifelong process even if you decide to stop working on your M. Use the principles you learned to continue to grow internally.

As for how I'm feeling right now, I'm done. I dont want W back. I was living in a fantasy world and idealizing her and creating this image of her in my mind that did not accurately reflect who she really was or what she really believed in.

As you stated already, this is an emotional rollercoaster. Give it some time to let your emotions settle before making any drastic decisions. I'm sure this is how you feel now, but don't do anything that could possibly jeopardize how you may feel tomorrow...cause you just never know.

I feel my anger building and I want to call her out on her BS.

Of course and I know many of us on here have wanted to do the same. However, I'm glad you are taking the 180 approach on this and not actually doing it. You know the truth...which means you know your own faults and what you need to work on to become a better Thornton. No amount of calling her out will ever help her realize her own faults. She needs to realize that on her own.

Anger is a powerful emotion, but I think after you deal with it you can finally start working on healing. Just be careful on how much you allow your anger to build up. It could possibly turn you "jaded" (in your words) towards any kind of reconciliation or future R's for that matter. Learn to find ways to deal with it positively. Not saying that you shouldn't feel anger, think we all have the right to, but I am saying that you don't want to hold onto it forever. Grieving is a process and anger is part of that process, but just don't let it define who you are.

Stay strong cause tomorrow is a new day

[Thornton]

Thanks for the support, guys.

[leahsue]

Hang in there, Thornton! We can do this.

[Thornton]

Had counseling last night and it was really good. C would like me to volunteer at a children's home and partner up with a kid that has lost a parent or sibling. He thinks it would really be helpful for me. I'll be looking into that.

When I came home, W was sitting on the couch. I walked in and said hi and walked to the other side of the house and chatted with my folks.

W texted me from the other room that she wanted to talk so I went and sat on the couch next to her.

She wanted to let me know that she had put in her notice at work and that she was leaving on the 27th. I already knew all this because my mom had told me. I simply responded "ok".

Then she asked what I wanted to keep that was in storage. I said the bedroom furniture (I paid for it years ago) and she could keep everything else. She went off on me, saying that she had nothing. She was leaving, and didnt even have a job where she was going. She lit into me about how this was all my fault, that I had let myself ruin our relationship. She then asked that I buy her D new furniture because we got rid of her old stuff when we sold our last house (I told her I would buy D new furniture when we moved into the new house). I just listened and STFU. But inside, I wanted to tell her that she is 50% of our problem and I never forced her to do anything!

I kind of feel like I'm being extorted by W. She's pinning ALL the blame on me. She has no money and is willfully choosing to be unemployed by leaving the state to go live with her mother.

On the other hand, I love D very much and I don't want her to not have anything when she moves.

I'm concerned that if I don't buy D new stuff, that W will bad mouth me to D and/or not let me speak to her after the move. But, I also want to stand up for myself. I've owned the parts of the relationship that I messed up. I've apologized multiple times. And I've sought help for my issues. She hasn't done any of that.

Any advice?

[EastTN]

I'm concerned that if I don't buy D new stuff, that W will bad mouth me to D and/or not let me speak to her after the move.

I hate to say this, but I don't believe those are related at all. W is already showing you the respect she feels toward you in how she is presenting you to her friends and family. Why would D be any different, especially after she starts talking about how much she misses you? Don't be held hostage, here. If you do go down this road, make it clear that you still want to be part of her life. Get some kind of agreement.

It's worth noting that even though you aren't a legal step parent, you MAY actually have some rights here (YMMV, don't know about Colorado). If you feel like you want to continue your relationship with D, it would probably make the most sense to dig into this before they leave Colorado.

[Sotto]

Wow, I can see your dilemma here Thornton. And her decision to leave her job and move when she basically has no cash - well that's all on her. Actually, she could have stayed in stable employment and found herself and her D a new place locally if she so chose.

I can understand your desire to accede to her request, given that you want to keep in touch with your SD. I think it is pretty surprising she asked and I would be wary about bankrolling her move or anything further than this.

However, I think it would be an option to let her know that you would be happy to link with your SD and help her organise what she wants to have in her new place, working to an agreed budget. You could then go as far as ordering it online and paying for it to be delivered to their new place, so you know this will be exactly how the funds will be used.

Perhaps the process could be a bridge to you keeping in touch with your SD. You could also let your W know that you would like to keep in touch with your SD and ask her to remain supportive of your ongoing contact with SD, even if your R with her has ended.

I'm not sure if you have any 'joint' financial arrangements at all - but if you do, I would certainly get that stuff signed, sealed and sorted and end end potential grey areas financially.

Hope this helps anyway Thornton :-)

[Bdog37]

On the other hand, I love D very much and I don't want her to not have anything when she moves.

Very admirable and I commend you for it sir. Part of me would say that this is her choice so she needs to deal with the consequences, but the other part of me would say that it is for the D. Therefore, I personally would help in anyway I can but only when it comes to making the D's transition easier. I'm sure this will be hard on her as well.

My STBEW complains that she also "needs" stuff, but I just calmly reminded her that this is all her choice so if it doesn't concern the kids then don't bother texting me about it.

[EastTN]

Sotto said what I was trying to, only much, much better.