But I'd like to think h's blows to my ego are to be overcome. Must it be by dating? Don't get me wrong, I want to date. And I want intimacy in my life.
Like this year. It's a NYE resolution I made and time is ticking...
But that will be weird. I have not been with a man other than my h, for 37 years. We met when I was 19.
Well, just FYI - I think I had exceptionally good luck but the first guy I dated after my ex was the best sex I ever had in my life! And the men I dated after him were pretty great too. Don't rush into it until you're ready, but don't be too afraid either ( use condoms though!!!!!!).
Hi 25 - firstly (((((hugs))))) to you and I'm sorry things are rough right now.
Realising the process of some D's, I was pretty lucky that XH was reasonably cooperative and didn't do any significant stuff during the D process. Maybe there was some guilt - IDK - but for sure I am financially comfortable merely by quietly holding my ground on some key areas..
I agree that older kids will form a view of the behaviour anyhow. My SS for example recently said - Well I love my Dad because he's my Dad - but he's such a moron sometimes etc..respect is lost and it does matter in that R long term. It's a shame.
Interesting that your H acts out around the milestone birthdays...and interesting the choice of GF - an aesthetician. For my XH, it was someone closer in age to his S than to him....so...
As for dating - I'm almost a year past D and haven't yet dated. I have no regrets about that, and I would always encourage getting through the maelstrom of the D process and letting the dust and you settle before thinking about that. In the meantime, lovely nourishing things, new activities and deepening friendships bring bright spots of joy too..
I'm sorry your H is being as he is during this process. I agree that you don't get to nuke a marriage, bounce off into a new R and cause this kind of hurt without some hurt to yourself. I once read that any wound caused to another is a wound to self - and that always stayed with me. Whether that wound becomes openly acknowledged and an apology is made, I guess that's a different matter..
Take care 25 - brighter days lie ahead for you once this bumpy road is travelled. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
25 - On the dating question - it's right when YOU are ready, meaning when you are done . It's certainly not fair to start a new relationship if you're still hung up on the ex.
That time is different for different people. In my case -so much like yours - I'd had ten years of DBing my butt off. I had peace of mind that I'd done everything possible to try to save my marriage - my conscience was clear. And I knew that even if he came crawling back, I could never trust him again. So when he filed three months after he finally moved out, six months after he announced his intention to do so, I was DONE. And dating at that time for me was very healing and validating.
I will admit though, that for the next three or four years of dating, I unconsciously picked guys who weren't truly available for a real relationship : Love Avoidants, too young, or otherwise not relationship material. I think it was because I wasn't ready myself to be asked for more.
When I was finally ready Mr. TDH showed up and he DID seem to be available for a real relationship. Sadly he turned out to be a liar and a sociopath, but until I recently discovered that, it was a nice relationship lolol!
how do you view your m now? I struggle with gas lighting from the past. I don't know which good memories were real?
We were on the news last year, on TV, for having a "wonderful m" but differing feelings about the election. IT was a funny piece and reflected very well on us. H was delighted with it and very affectionate, saying it was the "best thing we've ever done".
That^^ was the m I thought I was in. But seeing his text messages (from our d19's cell phone, which he gave her when hers broke)
show that he was planning a move to Alaska - originally with me - but never saying a word to me till almost Mother's Day. WHILE we were on TV, he was already planning to put me through GroundHog Alaska...
why watch me do a job search in other areas, (to please HIS requirements) or pretend that it was "25's turn" for a move?
I'm going to T today and then, coincidentally, to an aesthetician's office for MY face.
OW has at least one kid and doesn't seem younger (I have not looked at fb and blocked h. It's one healthy protective thing I've done).
Jesus - I need to get h out of my head.
Before I do (and i promise I will) for Informational purposes...
my L told me that h was in court for our first hearing (I didn't go and was told h was not).
I am told that "h seems very distracted, and cannot focus on one topic for very long at all, other than complaining about paying 25. He has disorganized thoughts and rambles."
she suspects his own L is not enjoying the case. But for all I know, his L suggested quitting his GREAT job to avoid paying...or has some alternative plan.
No way is H going to remain unemployed.
** I meant to say that H never planned on retiring. He left CA FOR a "great job and partnership in Alaska" and that was what he nagged me about till just before I got sick. And he told s30 this until their last contact. In late summer, H said "at one time I could have made you come with me."
(What?? You mean like when you could steal me from my tribe??")
I recall that statement with the clarity you have when you know your spouse has said something really weird.
Oh, the gas lighting of the past...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ahh, the gaslighting of the narcissist. I know it well.
It took a while for the rose colored glasses to come off and to see my ex as he truly was. Which is not to say it invalidates all of the marriage - I truly believe I got the best years of him, feel kinda sorry for his new young wife who is getting a shell of the man that I had.
But that being said, it's clear to me now that the man I THOUGHT I was married to, was not the same as the man I WAS married to. His inner life contained many more doubts about the marriage, earlier, than I ever would have imagined. And I look back on certain events or things he said and realize he probably cheated more than I ever suspected. It was disturbing to figure out and it does leave you with the unsettled feeling of "how much of our relationship was real?".
(One example - he told me once how, on a business trip, a woman knocked on his door - a hooker who was sent to the wrong room. He claimed he let her in and spoke to her for a bit (let her use the phone? I can't remember the excuse). Treated it as an odd occurrence at the time, but now of course I wonder if he was trying to secretly "tell me" he had sex with a hooker? I feel like anything is possible.
Certainly in the couple of years leading up to his final departure, he was all over me to return to work - even though we had an unstable teenage child at home and even though his excellent income was plenty for us to live on. I realize now that his push to get me back to work was all about paying less in alimony when he left.
I'd also wonder about this Alaskan OW your H is involved with. I know you didn't think he had an OW before, but is it possible that she was the OW before? And this is just a resumption (or continuation?) of the affair?
If it's at all possible to get a lump sum settlement in lieu of alimony, I would take it. My ex has to pay me alimony for 10 years (only a couple left) but I found out last year that because he's bad at math and taxes, he mistakenly thought he was paying me 40% of his income instead of 11% of his take home. This resulted in a lot of financially passive-aggressive behavior on his part over the years. We didn't have enough liquid assets for him to buy me out of the alimony initially, but many times I have regretted that we didn't - it would have been done and over and I think alleviated a lot of the strain with him. Also it protects you against him becoming disabled and not being able to pay.
BTW, I love the idea of you traveling to teach overseas. I've often thought when I retire I might like to live in a foreign country for a while, although not sure where right now.
I'd also love to see you become a famous standup comic. Must be tons of material from these boards!
P.S. if you have Amazon Prime, watch the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - a pilot for a new series by the woman who made Gilmore Girls, about a woman comic in the 50's. Great.
P.S. if you have Amazon Prime, watch the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - a pilot for a new series by the woman who made Gilmore Girls, about a woman comic in the 50's. Great.
OMG I so will watch. I'd write more now but I'm busy getting h out of my head.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
P.S. if you have Amazon Prime, watch the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - a pilot for a new series by the woman who made Gilmore Girls, about a woman comic in the 50's. Great.
OMG I so will watch. I'd write more now but I'm busy getting h out of my head.
Yeah - the only problem with watching it is, it's so GOOD, and it's just a pilot, so we have to wait impatiently until they actually put the show on the air!
I'd write more now but I'm busy getting h out of my head.
Ok 25, let's sing a duet:
I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, And send him on his way. I'm gonna wave that man right outa my arms, Nellie and Girls: I'm gonna wave that man right outa my arms, I'm gonna wave that man right outa my arms, And send him on his way. Don't try to patch it up Girls: Tear it up, tear it up! Nellie: Wash him out, dry him out, Girls: Push him out, fly him out, Nellie: Cancel him and let him go! Girls: Yea, sister! Nellie: I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair, And send him on his way. If a man don't understand you, If you fly on separate beams, Waste no time, make a change, Ride that man right off your range. Rub him out of the roll call And drum him out of your dreams. Girls: Oho! If you laugh at different comics, If you root for different teams, Waste no time, weep no more, Show him what the door is for. Rub him out of the roll call And drum him out of your dreams. Nellie: You can't light a fire when the woods are wet, Girls: No! Nellie: You can't make a butterfly strong, Girls: Hmm, hmm! Nellie: You can't fix an egg when it ain't quite good, Girls: And you can't fix a man when he's wrong! Nellie: You can't put back a petal when it falls from a flower, Or sweeten up a fellow when he starts turnin' sour Girls: Oh no! Oh no! Nellie and Girls: If his eyes get dull and fishy, When you look for glints and gleams, Waste no time, Make a switch, Drop him in the nearest ditch! Rub him out of the roll call, And drum him out of your dreams Oho! Oho! Nellie: I went to wash that man right outa my hair, I went to wash that man right outa my hair, I went to wash that man right outa my hair, And sent him on his way. Girls: She went to wash that man right outa my hair, She went to wash that man right outa my hair, She went to wash that man right outa my hair, Nellie and Girls: And send him on his way!
