Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

Hi Sandi. Thanks for the input. The whole truth is that I had told my mother about our situation in confidence a few months ago and we've had many candid discussions about it. She knows what's going on (who did what, who wants what, etc.) and I kept my dad out of it until I felt comfortable with giving him the news. My dad and I don't have a close relationship.

Regardless, the decision to tell them was motivated mostly by my desire to stop covering for my W and lying to them about the motivations for her behavior over the past 6 months. But it was also to establish what will be happening over the next 6-12 months since they are an integral part of our kids' routine (my Ws side of the family is pretty much MIA other than a few holidays).

Also, I don't think I was clear about my parents being civil to my W. They can choose NOT to be civil and as far as I'm concerned it will have no effect on when/how often they spend time with our kids. I think I was just expressing my fear about what my W might do if they decide to take sides. Right now, I think everyone is being amicable for the sake of our kids. But I don't know how that will change as time goes on...

[Chris73]

I miss my wife...

We used to have so much fun together. Every time I see or hear something interesting I want to share it with her. When I think about making plans my mind always includes her in them. She was my partner in fun for so long.

I miss our closeness. She denies that we ever had any, but it's not true. I miss her warm heart and playful spirit. I miss her head on my shoulder. I miss our hugs.

Someone else is enjoying these things now.

This weekend I'm running an 8K race on the boardwalk at the Jersey shore. Months ago my wife and I agreed to make a weekend family trip out of it. Now she's staying home and my mom is coming instead. I'm still psyched for the race, but it hurts...

[Chris73]

As much as this last post was full of sorrow and regret, I quickly shifted to anger. Why would someone VOLUNTARILY give up 50% of their time with their kids when they're still so young? I'm not a terrible person. I'm not an addict. I'm not an abuser. In fact, some people think I'm fun, interesting, loyal, attractive, kind, and patient. Not too long ago, my W was one of those people!

...I know, I know. Typical WW/WAW/MLC script. Selfishness above all else. But it just $ucks

[leahsue]

Chris,
I get it. I go back and forth from really sad, to just hot angry. It truly does $uck.

[hoosjim]

Chris, I hear you and feel your anguish and frustration. I myself had been reading these boards, and all of Sandi2's writings on WWs, and couldn't believe that my sweet little wife could possibly be such a creature. But it happens. Selfishness completely takes over and they change. Heck, mine even admits "I'm being selfish". Hard to believe, and disheartening, but it happens... a whole whole whole lot more than I ever would have imagined based on the accounts on this board. But, hey, keep taking care of yourself. Know that God loves you and that you have a lot of support on this board and a lot of people here who understand EXACTLY what you're going through and feeling.

[Chris73]

Thanks leahsue and hoosjim!

For the longest time all of my efforts were consumed with my obsession of trying to save my marriage. I've tried everything. So I think this depression and anger thing is happening now because I'm starting to let go and take my wife down from the pedestal I've kept her on through all of this.

As a compliant forum poster, I'm going to wait until this thread gets to 10 pages before starting a new one. But "Same Sitch. New Approach. Feeling Good." hardly describes my circumstances anymore.

I think moving forward my emphasis has to be on me and the kids and there are a few major issues that I'm now focusing on.

1. Starting June 1st our incomes will be separated and we will contribute separately to our expenses.

2. Assuming nothing changes between now and mid-June, we will sit down with the kids and tell them about the separation. W and I will need to work together to discuss how we present the news but I've decided that I'm not going to lie to my kids and tell them that this decision is mutual.

3. I'm working with a financial consultant to determine how feasible it is for me to buy my W out of her share of our house. If I can swing it, it means that my kids won't have to move out and they can continue to live in their home at least 50% of the time.

[LH19]

Chris,

IMO your kids are to young to tell them now. However, I would not lie to them when they are adults.

What is your motive for telling them at such a young age?

[Chris73]

I think there has to be a way to tell them the truth without laying blame or getting into details. Something like, "Mom and Dad have been having some disagreements about being married. And since it takes 2 people to make a marriage work, we've decided to spend some time apart." And then follow up with all the normal stuff about this doesn' change anything, we both still love you, we'll both be at your recitals and games, etc.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? What did you do?

[LH19]

One thing in the study that seemed clear: children need their parents to be mature when delivering such painful news. But, parents find accepting responsibility hard to do so, particularly early in the divorce process. Moms and dads feel their hopes lost and dreams gone, and they often avoid reminding themselves of such sorrow. But, when parents bring all the family together, the children benefit from a united message delivered by both parents-children feel less disturbed when parents exhibit this kind of maturity. The research tells us that children prefer a message that avoids parents blaming each other-instead hoping both parents will take ownership of the marriage ending. Doing so can protect children from feeling a) that they caused the divorce or b) that they must align with one parent and reject the other.

[Chris73]

Just got back from my weekend at the beach running an 8K. It was really fun and being able to see my kids cheer me on at the beginning of the race was so inspiring. It kept me going! My parents came to help with the kids. Now that they know the sitch they're very supportive and helpful.

The weekend also featured a very interesting exchange with my W. My normal behavior would have been to send her txts and pics before, during, and after the race to let her know how I did. This time I didn't. By 9am (15 minutes after the race was over) she called me asking how I did. I spoke to her for only about a minute and then said, "I've gotta go. I'm trying to round up the kids and get to breakfast. I'll have them call you a little later to say hello." After that her tone completely changed. She sounded disappointed and cold. It was obvious that she was expecting me to tell her much more about the weekend and the race. The kids eventually called her back, but I didn't talk to her again. Total 180 on my part.

I suppose this is what detaching feels like. My fear in doing something like this earlier in the crisis was that I would be contributing to widening the gap between us. These days, it's hard to believe the gap could get any wider! So now I'm making more decisions with my best interests at heart.

Interesting side-note...

Yesterday we arrived home from the beach before my W came home from wherever she went. The house was exactly how we left it on Saturday. Her bed hadn't been slept in. I doubt she ever came home Saturday night. At the very least I'm glad she has enough respect for me to do whatever she's doing these days outside the house.