WH came back. Piecing. Almost at 2 year mark.

[LITB]

Thank you, LITB. I appreciate it. Just numb at the moment. Not even sure why.

Blu...when you said you were "numb at the moment". A Ted Talk immediately came to mind. To you, 25 and anyone else reading this, I highly suggest watching the Ted Talk by Brene Brown ~ The Power of Vulnerability if you have not seen it. I think it is incredibly insightful.

[BluWave]

OwnIt, yes, I love that quote. It's true that not feeling anything (or understanding a feeling) is frightening. I have always been the type of person that thinks, and overthinks, about what I am feeling and why. Maybe that is why I have had depression in my life. Maybe that is why I have been drawn to substances that numb my pain. Not knowing what I feel and the void, are different, and unsettling.

What can I do to transform the void into something real? Well for the last few years I have fallen into this victim mentality--where H is the perpetrator and I am the wounded one. It's this pattern that has been hard to break. If I want to move forward in the M, then I need to break the cycle. I have to start seeing him as an equal and working on underlying issues, not just see the A and blame him for the A. It is the false sense of power that actually holds me back.

25, thank you, that means a lot to me. It is also true. The A has overshadowed so much else that needs to be looked at and changed. I know I have a lot of things I need to own and work on. I think I have felt self righteous and justified in my bad behaviors because of my hurt and anger around the A. I am going to go into the weekend open minded and trust the process.

I think Tx's thread took the wind out of my sail. He continues to describe his M and his W as forever tainted. That is my biggest fear. My H has been back 2 years and I still see him that way. I don't want to live that way. I get that everyone makes mistakes, I understand how it happened, and I want to forgive him. It just still hasn't felt like enough. My biggest fear is what he describes exactly.

Thank you for the support. It means a lot. I really do get so much from this site and the posters here. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty that I don't appreciate my H more.

LITB, I will def watch that TED talk. I have yet to see one that I don't like. Vulnerability is where I am stuck right now. It means taking off my shield. It means getting out of being the victim and not only seeing the A and him as the bad guy. It means forgiving, trusting, and falling in love with H again. ...

And all of that leads to being vulnerable to getting hurt again.

Blu

[leahsue]

Blu, I haven't read up on your thread lately so I'm not sure which TED talk you are referring to about vulnerability.... but if it's the one that helped me SO MUCH, it's Brene Brown. She has a few books out too, but she came along in my life about 4 years before my trouble started, and thank the Lord she did. It laid the foundation that I had no idea I would need. I thought I was going to hear her speak to help my daughter. Life is irony, right. Sending you hugs and love.

[OwnIt]

Blu, I saw Tx's thread on the taint as well. Now keep in mind my H has not come back, has not asked to come back, and likely never will. Nevertheless, I have thought about this a lot in the last few days. He was a virgin when we met (at 20-21). He had never even dated anyone. I remember telling him at the time he was in such a rush to marry (7 months from the date we met) that he needed to experience other people. He talked me into it sadly. At first I saw him as very tainted. I know for a fact he is whoring it up out there. But then I thought about my own crimes (gaining weight, not taking care of my appearance, being controlling, not supporting him, being embarrassed of him at times, carrying anger, not communicating, and ignoring the problems I knew were there). At that point I thought, what right do I have to pass judgment on him. When did I become perfect? When did I figure it all out? When have I had to deal with a debilitating mental illness (for that is what it seems). What are any of us but a bunch of scars and holes and burns and bandaids? If he ever comes back I have to deal with the person he is right then and there. Is that a person I want in my life. If he is, I have to accept him and his scars and his taint and my own. I know I'm forgiving enough to overlook all of that if the actions going forward are something I can live with. Please don't hold your H to a standard of perfection that none of us can meet. Judge him only by his actions today.

[Matrix]

Blu,

I wanted to say a few things to you regarding where you are now and what you have been feeling for the past 2 years.

My current WW had an affair about 5 years ago. When I found out, I confronted her on the spot. I told her everything that I knew. She denied it for a few minutes, but she finally broke down. She begged and pleaded with me, but I left her that night. I already had my bags packed before I confronted her. In the following days, she called, emailed, begged and pleaded and I wasn't having it. I finally did come back home and we began a journey that I can only describe as a walk directly through hell and back.

During those 5 years, I was bitter, resentful and angry all the time. We had our moments here and there, but I punished her every chance I got. She took it all. She was as sorry and as remorseful as any former WW could be. I didn't care. She was "tainted". Our marriage had lost it's innocence and I felt that we could never get it back.

In the first few years I was a lot more vocal. I would call her names when I got mad and extracted many, many pounds of flesh on a daily basis. As the years went on, we were not so vocal about it, but the A had changed how I saw her and what her worth was to me. There were times she would ask me simple things, like "do you think you could take out the trash?" and in my mind, I would think "why don't you take it out yourself, you whore". I don't feel good about admitting these things, but they are true. I bet anyone on this board that is or has been though piecing has had the same thoughts.

I think the reason that I became so bitter and angry is because I loved her so much. I could not fathom my beautiful bride doing such unspeakable things with another man and then calmly come home and crawl into bed with me. I was never able to wrap my head around the fact that my wife could live that kind of double-life. I didn't understand how she was capable. I mean, we all see it on TV, in the movies and maybe even in real life with people we know. But every time we hear a story like that, we just roll our eyes and can't imagine what horrible people they are. Then one day, that horrible, awful person is our own spouse. They are just as gross and despicable as some whore on a daytime soap opera. It is a jagged pill to try and swallow.

Eventually, after so many years, she gave up. She had been punished enough and didn't want to be defined by the worst thing she had ever done. She had tried and tried for so many years and I simply didn't know how to forgive or heal properly. So she asked for a separation and I agreed. What I didn't know at the time was that she had OM all lined up and went straight into his arms the second we separated, but that story is for it's own thread entirely.

After many months of this separation, I have come to realize that there are so many things that I could have done differently over the last 5 years. I just didn't have the tools. I didn't know how to forgive. I didn't know how to accept her sorrow. I didn't know how to see her for who she was. I didn't know how to define her as anything other than the worst thing she had ever done.

After much soul searching and introspection, I can tell you what it all boiled down to for me and maybe this will resonate with you and anyone else:

I felt like if I forgave her, it meant that she got away with it. It meant that she was able to have an affair, have sex with another person and she still got to keep her husband and family. I could not ever accept that and it killed any chance that we had at reconciling.

I urge you to to find a deeper understanding of unconditional love and forgiveness. I wish I had so many years ago. I love my wife with every ounce of my being and she is gone now. I know you love your husband, so please try to truly forgive him. He is back and he is trying the best way he knows how. Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to not define him by the worst thing that he has ever done.

True love keeps no record of wrongs. Throw away the scorecard and begin again.

[Anchor]

Matrix

This is unbelievably sad, beautiful and poignant. Thank you for sharing.

I agree with you whole heartedly. After WH's first two EAs I said I forgave him. I thought I forgave him. But I kept bringing it up. Later on his mother told me that he believed I would never let go, our lives would always be stained. I didn't realise he felt that way because everytime I brought up 'the girls', he always said he would always apologise, forever, and I was always within my rights to bring them up because this was the price he had to pay. I guess he got sick of paying.

Blu - I read this somewhere once, which made an impression on me, albeit too late for my sitch. To forgive means to literally, give as you did before. I think that means giving love like you did before.

[Anchor]

Blu - when you have a min, could you have a look at my thread?

[leahsue]

Wow, Matrix, beautifully and honestly worded. I've just copied and pasted your post to my ongoing document entitled "Thing I have learned in this heartbreak..."

[Matrix]

I didn't mean to hijack Blu's thread at all, but I am glad that my post resonated with you two. I hope that Blu can realize that what she is feeling is totally normal. I just wanted to offer some perspective from someone who has been there. I don't want anyone to make the same mistakes that I made. True forgiveness is possible and you can still have a better marriage then you ever had before.

I was also hoping that TxHubby would read this post as well. It sounds like he has already made his mind up, but I wanted to offer my story anyway...just in case.

[LITB]

Blu,

Anxiously awaiting to hear how your weekend went. Hoping that it was the beginning to a great and beautiful shift in your M/R.