Yes, obviously she is taking advantage of me as the on-call babysitter and that's even more proof she isn't thinking right.
So why did you agree to it?
you can put up with pretty much anything for your kids.
If I only saw my kid two days a week, I'd be the on call baby sitter, too. Every day is precious, and something you can never, ever get back.
On the one hand, I completely agree. Every day is precious, and I have trouble forgiving my ex for taking half of those days away from me.
But where do you draw the line? 2 days? 3.5 days? 5 days?
For me, I would get to a schedule I would agree with. Then, for days beyond that schedule Id take on a case by case basis. If there was an emergency or Im really free, then sure, I might take the kids every once in a while to 'help'. But Im not going to go out of my way to help just because I got asked to.
Rather than taking the days she asks you for, I think you need to see a L to get your custody back to 50% where it should be. Then you dont have to worry about whether or not to take her crumbs of time.
You say she hasnt lost anything. How will she if youre willing to jump every time she asks you to?
Yes, I am getting counseling for myself. For me to be a better person, father, employee and general member of society. As far as the 180 question...pretty simple really, basically initiating no contact with wife, if/when she calls/texts be polite, upbeat and don't linger on with the conversation. No relationship talks about us or her and OM. Act as though that doesn't exist right now. Be genuine and don't tell her that I am GAL but let the results show in time, which they will. As far as the 50/50 split question, it's a little more complicated than I can explain at the moment. I will try and explain more at another time, but not now. Our divorce is still proceeding and haven't even had our first court date. I still have at the very minimum 2-3 months before its final. IN that amount of time I plan to be the MAN i need to be and the man she always wanted and would be a fool to leave. Is wife was being honest that had I handled all of this different the last three months then we would currently be working on marriage then here is the deal... i tried an approach that didn't work. I yelled, screamed, begged, pleaded, tricked, threated, etc... IT DIDN'T work. However, one thing it did show is that I was not ok with her actions. New plan of attack to avoid being stuck with the same old thing is what I wrote above. Kill her with kindness and be the man I know I can be.
Keep in mind, only 2 weeks ago she broke down and waned to give 110% to work on marriage. The next day that changes. 4 days ago she told me she still loves me and wants what best for me. She will take my calls, respond to my texts and we both now for the last week have been upbeat and friendly with each other. Yes, she is cake eating but it may be a start. During the 3.5 month process this is the longest we have gone with being friendly with each other. I just need to keep the momentum and see what happens. Her decision is out of my control but I know my wife and truly believe that she will wake up out of this fog one day.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Again, I can't comment on why we can't get a 50/50 arrangement right now. Yes, I agree that would be ideal but not an option at the moment. I have to the best I can with what I have to work with. I know this is hard to understand without knowing all of the facts.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
As far as the 50/50 split question, it's a little more complicated than I can explain at the moment. I will try and explain more at another time, but not now.
Just a thought...
Is the "explanation" , something that your kids will understand 10 years from now ??
Is this something that you want to sit across from them down the road and try to defend your decision making process to them ? Hoping they will understand why they didn't see you more ??
If the answer is "NO" , then do something about it now...
Personally, I don't care to have, nor do I need the explanation...
You need to be very, VERY aware of something: You say you "can't have 50/50 right now" but do you understand that you're setting the pattern for the future here? Courts LOVE to defer to status quo, and by allowing yourself to be a weekend father, you've established what "normal" is. Changing "normal" (ESPECIALLY for a man, even though it's not supposed to matter) is an uphill climb.
Also, once your divorce is final (at least in my state) changing custody arrangement requires a "material change" in circumstances that will improve things for the children.
When you've been reduced to every (or every other!) weekend, are you going to be able to get a court to take you (a man) seriously when you say "I know this is how the kids have been living, and they're used to it, and it's stable, but I want to change it now?"
Wife returned from her 3 day get away with OM last night. She picked out son up from me about 8:15pm. I helped him with his bags putting them into her car. She got out of the car which has not been the case of late and I told her "Hello" in a nice tone and she reciprocated with "Hello" in a nicer than usual tone. They then drove off and went home. During this 3 day period, I had ZERO contact with her.
She didn't attempt to contact me and I didn't with her. At about 9:30pm last night she called me. She wanted to know if I had heard from my attorney in terms of the divorce (easily could have texted me to find this info out). I advised that I had not heard anything nor had she. We pretty much dropped it at that.
During this entire process it was understood that we were 100% selling the marital home. I would refuse to live there and she without a doubt couldn't afford to keep it. With that said, we would each get our own apartments and our son would "bounce" between apartments. I hope I don't offend anyone here but we are not the "apartment type" and this has been a big deal from the beginning.
With that said, while on the phone last night, she brought up the idea of her keeping the house and refinancing into her name. First and foremost, this would be impossible for her to do. 1) Her income would not allow it, 2) she wouldn't be able to keep up with the utilities, pool, yards, etc... I gently told her that is probably not an option but we could certainly look into it. All calm and nice. I asked her why the sudden "change of heart" of wanting to keep the house and her comment was so "our son can stay in his house". I said, yeah, that would be ideal but it's unlikely it will work out that way.
We were on the phone for about 10 min. I honestly feel she called instead of texted because she missed me and wanted to hear my voice. The 3 days is the longest we have gone with no communication in 16 years. After we got off phone she proceeded to text me about summer camps for our son, etc...
So her little 3 day getaway with OM could have been the most amazing time of her life or it could have been not what she was expecting...don't know. BUT...based on facts...is she having any doubt now that things may be getting REAL and closer to her losing the house, security, family, etc...? She has now been dating OM for 3.5 months.
Thoughts?
SIDENOTE: I am very proud of my actions over the last week and although I haven't seen it "payoff" yet, I am pacing myself. I am still GAL, etc.. and feel better today than I have in weeks.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Not mind reading, just trying to analyze the situation.
Before I answer the Payoff question, let me preface by giving my opinion of DBing... For me personally, I am running a parallel path with this whole thing. 1) I am GAL and getting myself right for no matter what happens, 2) 50% of the reason for this is to WIN my wife/family back.
With that said, the payoff in terms of her wanting to work on the marriage (50% of my goal of being here).
So...with her actions, comments, etc. do you guys think she may be 2nd guessing any of this?
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
During this entire process it was understood that we were 100% selling the marital home. I would refuse to live there and she without a doubt couldn't afford to keep it.
First and foremost, this would be impossible for her to do. 1) Her income would not allow it, 2) she wouldn't be able to keep up with the utilities, pool, yards, etc
I gently told her that is probably not an option but we could certainly look into it.
I dont think its your job to say whether she can or cant afford it. If she gets help from OM, her parents, a kindly old lady, or busts her butt to get a new job, it's kind of up to her. And as far as upkeep goes, thats HER decision to make. In my opinion, if she wants to keep it and you dont want to, then let her. I imagine it will save you a lot of money and hassle not selling it. Just make sure that the budget sheet gives you half of the equity.
Originally Posted By: sellout
We were on the phone for about 10 min. I honestly feel she called instead of texted because she missed me and wanted to hear my voice.
So her little 3 day getaway with OM could have been the most amazing time of her life or it could have been not what she was expecting...don't know. BUT...based on facts...is she having any doubt now that things may be getting REAL and closer to her losing the house, security, family, etc...? She has now been dating OM for 3.5 months.
The stuff I crossed out is completely mind reading.
And then youre askingus to make....an educated guess? I say it doesnt make a lick of difference as to what you should be doing.
Originally Posted By: sellout
I am very proud of my actions over the last week and although I haven't seen it "payoff" yet, I am pacing myself. I am still GAL, etc.. and feel better today than I have in weeks.
Glad youre feeling better. Remember this could go on for months or years. One week is nothing. Its a marathon, not a sprint.
