...I'm going to divorce my fWW. She's a model former wayward. She went to counseling, did the work, blah blah blah. Literally everything a WS is supposed to do to earn back love and trust. I bear her no ill will. It just never came back all the way for me and I want more out of life. Turning 50 and don't want to be with someone who cheated on me for the next 50. It's always this thing that happened and no matter how much time passes, that thing is still there. I still can't believe she could be that cruel. Do I want to be with someone capable of such cruelty? As time has shown me, no, I don't.
I post because she'll probably show up here or one of the other sites because she knows I am a firm believer they can help. If you see a new 50 year old woman show up whose story of being a former WW matches our story, tell her not to bother, that her stbxh knows all these programs and all the techniques and it's not going to work.
Good luck to all of you and whatever it is you want out of life and relationships. Getting out there and meeting new people actually sounds very exciting to me.
I'm sorry Texas. You posted on my thread when I wrote as julieh and I always appreciated your advice.
It seems like you really did make an effort at forgiveness and reconciliation. Your wife was very lucky that you were willing to try. And I am glad for you that it is your choice now. I imagine a choice like this must have been extremely hard to come to.
I think it is hard for the walk aways to really understand the type of trauma and damage that we the LBS endure.
It's not just the ending of a relationship. It's the gaslighting, vilification, betrayal, and lies and secrecy that go with it. From the very people that we trusted our entire being with. I would rather be beaten, and assaulted in public by strangers then endure the way my spouse treated me when he left. And the residual feelings that cone with it. I am still deeplybwounded and traumatized. Most people would treat criminals or enemies better then we were treated many of us as the parents of shared children.
And here's the thing. I get that at the time our spouses are detached and no longer in love etc. Going through endorphin highs and reliving childhood traumas. But any decent human being owes it to a family member to treat someone with respect.
An old poster pyrite once asked, would you date someone knowing that in the future they would cheat and betray you? Would you date someone you met that cheated on their spouse? To me that would be a huge red flag.
But this IS a marriage saving forum. And perhaps, just perhaps with space and distance and seeking new relationships you might find more empathy and forgiveness for your wife.
I'm sorry to read this TX, and I'm sorry that you guys haven't been able to make things work after your W's A, despite her remorse and doing whatever it takes.
I do think it must be incredibly difficult to try and rebuild your marriage following infidelity. Like you, I would certainly have given it a go, but I didn't get the opportunity.
When you talk of your W's cruelty, I would see this more as awful mistakes and I do think it is best to think in terms of people trying to do things 'for themselves' as opposed 'to you.' I think when people have an A, they tend to compartmentalise and minimise the impact their behaviour had. Sometimes it is only when we walk in those shoes, we truly realise...
So, have you told your W yet?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
We did give it our all. IC for both. MC together. I got to a point where I felt like the counseling was trying to help me brainwash myself into forgetting the past. I just couldn't do it. Neither could she. I think we still love each other but after her MLC/affairs there was this big elephant in the room, always. It was making me unhappy and making her unhappy too. I think it's better if we part as friends and maybe each of us find that special kind of love like we used to have, with other people.
Tex - I grieve as I read your post. Considering how far you have come it's a shame that MR could not go the distance.
I've truly value your advice and input and look forward to doing what I can do to support you in your next chapter.
bb
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
I'm also very sad to read this news. I had a feeling that you had been leaning this way for some time now. Some of your comments started to sound a little cryptic.
Can I ask you how long ago her affair started? How long was the affair? And how long it has been since the affair ended?
I went through it many years ago and I might be able to offer some insight if you care.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
Tx, I do hope you keep posting here. I think we can all learn from one another, despite our diff outcomes. Perhaps you can share more on what part of piecing worked and what what didn't? What is the timeline of your sitch?
I have read your posts before, but would like to see a link to your previous threads. I am curious what turned for you or if perhaps you didn't give it enough time? Your signature says you weathered the storm and were in love.
My FWH has been back for two years and it's incredibly difficult. I also feel that he has done all that one could hope for, but it doesn't make it easier to forgive him. It's going to take a lot more time and self exploration. Even if our M doesn't survive, I know I've got to look at my mistakes and make changes too.
I can't help but notice you still seem to have a lot of anger! On 25s thread you wrote that your FWW will always be tainted. You are telling us if she comes to DB to tell her not to bother. That's harsh and wreaks of anger. You know as well as anyone that DB is not to win back our spouse, but to improve ourselves. This might be a great place for her.
Quite simply, what have YOU done to work on your anger, your resentment, and forgiveness? That's all you can control anyhow, right? Because it reads that you want to punish her.
Look, if you don't want to be M anymore, especially after such a betrayal, I think we all agree that's respectable choice. But you are still so hurt and angry. Don't you owe it to yourself to let go of that now? I also think if you want a friendship with her, then you've got to respect her. She made a terrible mistake, but she is human, and we all make mistakes.
Please keep posting. I don't mean this as a 2*4, but i want to challenge your thinking. Heck, I could be saying the same thing at some point. I just hope I don't. I what to forgive H and understand this mess, not just for the M, but for ME.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Was it actually true when you wrote it, and then it changed, or, with the benefit of hindsight, would you say it never was true?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Was it actually true when you wrote it, and then it changed, or, with the benefit of hindsight, would you say it never was true?
It's true. I don't think "in love" is accurate. Not in a passionate way. I do love her. We've been together for so long and been through so much. She's the mother of the only kids I'll ever have. Great kids (now two adults and one getting there fast).
I've just come to realize that this union is tainted and it's never going to get back to amazing. We married at 19. Our love was innocent. Once the innocence is dead you can't get it back. I think we'll both be better off moving on to relationships with other people and a chance at that innocent type of love you have with a loyal passionate partner where no infidelity has tainted the R.
The therapy was getting to the point where I recognized we almost are trying to brainwash ourselves to feel differently and I don't want to do that. We're 50 years old now. Both of us deserve a betrayal-free love/relationship and that's now impossible with each other because it happened. I know she's 100% remorseful of the past but it happened. I can't keep trying.
For the other person that asked, it started in 2012. I discovered 2013 when the OBS blew the whole thing up in their faces. Turns out my then 45yo MLC wife had a steady AP (neighbor/"friend") and a couple of other one-time things during that year.
I've healed from the past. I understand everything that happened, I accept it, and I have forgiven her. All that still doesn't equal being in love with someone and wanting to stay married to them. That's what I've come to realize and I'm moving on, happily.
