Zues and Kaizen - i think you both read a little too far into what i was saying. While yes, i am giving up on saving the marriage, i was using this forum as a place to vent so i don't actually say and do those things.
I'm not trying to take everything, nor am I being a jerk to her. I just don't want to be a doormat and let her dictate every single thing just because i'm trying to do a 180 and not be as controlling as she perceived me to be.
And yes, i need to blow off some steam. I've been absurdly cooperative and nice for the 5 months since BD. She's become more angry and mean during these 5 months for some odd reason (probably her coping mechanism to justify her actions). There's only so much being nice that someone can take if the other person continues to be mean. Since we have kids, we are forced to interact and she is just not a good person to me during those interactions even though i'm being a 100% good person and not being mean.
I do appreciate your words, but at the same time i'm not being the total manipulative jerk that it may have come across as. I just can't be a total doormat to her much longer.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
I've been nice too and I'm starting to feel taken advantage of by WAW. She literally blamed me for the snowy weather forecast this weekend as her daughters bday party is supposed to happen at a local park.
Zues and Kaizen - i think you both read a little too far into what i was saying. While yes, i am giving up on saving the marriage, i was using this forum as a place to vent so i don't actually say and do those things.
Sometimes it can certainly be difficult to capture tone in the words on the screen here. All we can do is respond to what we see. When I read something like "I also really just want to tell her off. She deserves to hear it. But, i'll probably wait until after I have signed custody and asset agreements.", its difficult to understand whether this is a serious plan or whether you are 'venting'.
Would I love to give my ex a piece of my mind? Of course! It [censored] getting hurt. But lashing out in retaliation doesnt do any good for me. I will lay out my own personal boundaries of what I will and will not accept, but telling that person off for personal satisfaction isnt a lasting feeling or an action that will get me closer to my goals.
Originally Posted By: KevinIn
I just don't want to be a doormat and let her dictate every single thing just because i'm trying to do a 180 and not be as controlling as she perceived me to be.
Nobody is suggesting that you be a doormat. You said that you wanted to 'tell her off' so that 'you could feel better'. That doesnt sound like standing up for yourself; it sounds like trying to inflict pain or to get even.
Originally Posted By: KevinIn
I've been absurdly cooperative and nice for the 5 months since BD. She's become more angry and mean during these 5 months for some odd reason. There's only so much being nice that someone can take if the other person continues to be mean. Since we have kids, we are forced to interact and she is just not a good person to me during those interactions even though i'm being a 100% good person and not being mean.
Are you being nice because thats your personality? Or are you being nice with the expectation that she will respond to your 'niceness'? Because THAT isnt nice at all. You say you are a 100% good person....but it will only last for so long, because you arent getting the recognition for it or response to it? To me, being nice doesnt really have anything to do with the other person's response. Nor does being a good person. Being nice doesnt mean you have to be a doormat or agree to everything that is asked of you. It is perfectly acceptable to be nice and still have your own personal boundaries. It isnt mean to disagree. It isnt mean to say "no".
I apologize if Im coming off as harsh or rude. That really isnt my intention. I dont know that you need to change anything that you are doing. My point is to look at your own motivations. What kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be?
And then, why would you let your wife's actions define the way you behave?
I've been nice too and I'm starting to feel taken advantage of by WAW. She literally blamed me for the snowy weather forecast this weekend as her daughters bday party is supposed to happen at a local park.
No joke... blamed me for the weather!
Well, I'd have to agree with her on that. Why the heck are you making it snow this weekend? Thats messed up Thorton. Youbshiuld fix the weather, and while you are at it, please bring peace to the middle east. Haha.
These spouses say the oddest things.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Sometimes it can certainly be difficult to capture tone in the words on the screen here. All we can do is respond to what we see. When I read something like "I also really just want to tell her off. She deserves to hear it. But, i'll probably wait until after I have signed custody and asset agreements.", its difficult to understand whether this is a serious plan or whether you are 'venting'.
The posts were clear. He was not venting. He was clearly stating the intent to take immoral action in terms of hurting his WAW financially and emotionally. And then when confronted he said we were overreacting and blowing off steam.
No. There are lines when blowing off steam. Threatening someone is crossing a line, and then to dismiss it and twist things towards those calling him out as if we overreacted is manipulative. There's plenty of room on DB forums for him to get the support he needs from those that want to follow but I don't have time for these shenanigans.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
How about a bit of validation and empathy guys? Kevin's pissed off. Understandably. But in reality he probably nows 'telling off' his W isn't going to help anything, but I think it's harsh to classify a telling off as emotionally hurting his wife.
On the finances, it all depends on rationale. Go for what's fair and what's best for the kids. That may be more than 50%, that may be 50/50, that may be less.
Kevin, it's OK to feel angry, just dont let it rule you, otherwise you're still just dancing to her tune, really.
Kaizen, good, measured response, is go along with what you said.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
The posts were clear. He was not venting. He was clearly stating the intent to take immoral action in terms of hurting his WAW financially and emotionally. And then when confronted he said we were overreacting and blowing off steam.
No. There are lines when blowing off steam. Threatening someone is crossing a line, and then to dismiss it and twist things towards those calling him out as if we overreacted is manipulative. There's plenty of room on DB forums for him to get the support he needs from those that want to follow but I don't have time for these shenanigans.
Dont ever comment on my thread again.
Immoral actions? Threateningm There was nothing in my post immoral and no harmful threats. And by more than half, maybe i meant 51%. Maybe she makes a lot more money than me and more than half really is fair so i can survive financially. May I've been the primary parent for years and have the closer relationship with my kids while she travels. You have no clue about my situation - you've never even commented on my threads since i joined a few months ago.
Dont be a jčrk to people on here. I have thick skin, but you are not helpful.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/26/1706:37 AM. Reason: Personal attack eliminated
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Dont be a jčrk to people on here. I have thick skin, but you are not helpful.
I'm dying...
Last edited by Cadet; 04/26/1706:39 AM. Reason: TOS in quote
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are lines when blowing off steam. Threatening someone is crossing a line, and then to dismiss it and twist things towards those calling him out as if we overreacted is manipulative. There's plenty of room on DB forums for him to get the support he needs from those that want to follow but I don't have time for these shenanigans.
Give it a break. He didn't threaten. I told the OM in my case that if he ever stepped foot near my kids that I'd break his legs. Stop with your holier-than-thou crap. KevinIn wasn't out of line, however you were.
Oh, and learn to spell ZEUS correctly.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
How about a bit of validation and empathy guys? Kevin's pissed off. Understandably.
I think that is clear frm the original response to my questions. I dont blame anyone for being angry. It's a natural part of the grieving process and something that every single person on here experiences in one way or another.
One thing I read on here was that the anger can be used as a shield or as a sword. If you use that anger as a sword, you take it and use it build animosity, use it to 'tell people off', use it as a weapon to inflict pain on others. On the other hand, using it as a shield is a way of taking that anger and building yourself up, to drive you to work harder, to be better. Take that anger to be a fuel for improvement.
My post was intended to ask Kevin to look inwards and understand his plan for this anger. To better understand how he will channel that anger and whether those methods are going to get him closer to his goals.
One other thing Id recommend that Kevin examine. One other thing Ive read on here often is that if something 'stings', then you should really look at why. While I certainly didnt word my posts as strongly as Zues did, I think the messages were very similar. I noticed my last post was not addressed and Zues' was met with a lot of resistance (and from my point of view a lot of anger). So my question is why would you get so upset from 2 paragraphs of words from someone on here that is doing their best to try to help you?
