Need a little help

[LonelyGirl]

Does anyone ever feel like saving the marriage isn't worth it? I do love this man, but really he makes me so unhappy. He is a master at projecting onto me and turning any situation into my fault. Making me feel like I am the selfish one and that I revolve the world around myself, when really it feels like our whole house revolves around him.

He has such anger issues my daughter and I are always walking on eggshells around him, his moods and his feelings as to not set him off. I really don't feel like my emotional needs are being met. If I'm going to be honest with myself, if we didn't have a disabled child that I was terrified of taking care of by myself I think I would have left a long time ago. Sometimes I feel like this M will be just me taking care of everything that he needs and getting nothing in return. Maybe I am selfish.

[Tread]

LonelyGirl

I believe you have to ask yourself is the potential gain worth the pain of what your going through. If things were to change around and he got his anger issues in check. Would the person you would be dealing with be someone that would make you happy? I think this fighting for WAS stuff is basically us fighting for the potential or past goodness we see in our H or W. Because at the moment they're not exactly the greatest people to be around.

[LonelyGirl]

If he could get the anger in check, yes he can be a great guy. But it's so hard to see that he ever will. He thinks all the issues in the M are my fault, and he has nothing to work on. So it's a little hard to believe that he will ever change and work on the anger. It's just so hard to not feel hopeless, and not to feel angry that he's angry for no reason. I'm just being pleasant when I see him, but otherwise trying to stay away from him.

I really need some friends. I have no one and no where to go to get out. The only person I have is our daughter, but I don't think that will help. He says I turn her against him and she hates him. I have done none of that, she doesn't come to him or talk to him due to the anger issues.

[25yearsmlc]

So a little update to my current situation, H and I are talking a bit. Things have calmed from the current situation. H is just so angry and says I never see his side of things. He is the one that chose not to go on vacation with us. Yet he blames all our issues on me. I don't know. It's just so hard, sometimes I feel like he thrives in situations that he can blame me for as some sort of mental manipulation into getting his way.

Have you guys ever worked on the issues that brought you hear 5 years ago?

And what about your own baggage that you mentioned before?

You said you had a lot of childhood problems and abuse and that you would take it out on him, and that you were too needy,

and from what I gather, you both were not able to argue without escalation...

So was any of that addressed or is it now? You don't need him with you to work on your stuff, of course.

[25yearsmlc]

Does anyone ever feel like saving the marriage isn't worth it?

In a word, yes. Then the main battle is with fear.

The biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.



-- I really don't feel like my emotional needs are being met. If I'm going to be honest with myself, if we didn't have a disabled child that I was terrified of taking care of by myself I think I would have left a long time ago.

what can you do to help with ^^^ this? You ALWAYS have choices. Just know that zero options are painless. That includes the option of just staying and hoping things improve while you see your daughter walk on eggshells for her childhood and I don't know how your disabled son sees things. It just sounds like no way to live.

Don't let inertia prevent you from making a change in yourself or your life. You know there's work to do in you, regardless of what your h does.




Sometimes I feel like this M will be just me taking care of everything that he needs and getting nothing in return. Maybe I am selfish.

Are you seeing a therapist?

[LonelyGirl]

I worked on a lot of my stuff years ago, but I know I need to again. I stopped before I really dealt with it all. I need to have some long hard talks with myself. It would appear we have fallen into old patterns. I don't think anything has ever really been resolved. We sort of just brush it under the rug, so when that happens we just ride it out.

I really think he's unhappy with his life, he made a comment to me today that I don't feel like he's good enough, that I think he is a failure. I don't at all, and have never said such a thing. We moved about 6 months ago to a place where neither of us know anyone, we don't work outside the home so don't meet people. He's a social guy, I really do think he misses having buddies to hang out with and watch sports.

We do escalate a lot, I really try not to. Especially today, but this argument came so out of left field it was hard to not get flustered by it all. I really am trying to learn to just let him say his piece, I have been hiding in the office all day downstairs trying to stay away from him. When he gives me the silent treatment I can't take it and will run my mouth, so I figured it's better to give him space. I'm searching my boxes down here for my books so I can read up. I only have like 20 to go through. Maybe I should unpack them, H has been after me to finish unpacking. That might smooth things a bit more.

[LonelyGirl]

I haven't been in therapy for some time, I'm trying to figure out how to afford it. H says he would go to therapy when this all started, but honestly that's not even my worry right now. I really would like to go for me. When we go together he doesn't really participate anyway, so we never stick it out.

[Sjs777]

is it possible that you each have matters to tend to? while one can fight to change a relationship it certainly does take work. Its work you need to decide if you wish to pursue. There certainly are some free online research articles and support groups including this one, but truthfully it begins with looking inside to sense where you're at. That said you could very well work on things yourself, which may change his feelings towards you, which certainly could have some very positive changes in your relationship moving forward. You can break the cycle of arguments and negative behaviour

[25yearsmlc]

I haven't been in therapy for some time, I'm trying to figure out how to afford it.

I hear this^^ a lot. I'm usually surprised b/c it's as if the alternatives to therapy are not examined for their cost. From what you are posting here, your marriage is in crisis again, and big time damage is being done. Your children are being hurt, as are you, and possibly your h.

Divorce is a real possibility and that, dear LG, is a lot more expensive than therapy. You need to make therapy a high priority b/c it's so linked to the marriage ever succeeding OR the path to divorce if that is the healthier option.

There are some 3+ days personal growth workshops that can jumpstart you (for me, it was like 2 years of therapy in a condensed format.

One workshop in particular allowed me to safely but deeply explore MY baggage AND showed me how to get rid of it. That baggage did affect me as a wife and mother, for sure.

Naturally, follow up support was needed (and it was free follow up, I might add) was needed to reinforce what I had learned and how to keep at my personal goals.

The workshop is called "Essential Experience" ("EE" for short) and it's in Philadelphia, offered 2-3 times a year.

It's the most profound personal growth I've experienced and I stay in touch with the people I met there. It's for individuals (though it obviously helps you in all your R's)

It's "experiential" so there are exercises more than lectures, and this way, you can't edit or rehearse your responses, which I tended to do.

You will discover things holding you back or ways of seeing things that you can alter to be more reality based. You can learn ways to break free of what's holding you back.

To be clear, Weekly therapy with a good T, is great. I see one now.

But Sometimes I had to return to work or get the kids right after I made a break through. Then I'd have to wait a week before the next session, and though I REALLY liked my T, the work felt sort of fragmented. And inefficient, compared to a good workshop that gives you some answers after digging deep. Ideally someone would attend the workshop and have a good T, and work on their "stuff" and achieve their personal goals and say "wow, i came really far. I'm graduating myself."

On the other hand, Retrovaille is a workshop for couples with marriages in crisis. It is not necessary to be Catholic to attend, or even Christian (I checked and we went).

We thought it was very helpful retreat but it takes two people who are willing, obviously. Since I had already worked on my personal issues, (and I continue to do so), Retrovaille freed me to work on the m without the baggage I might have brought into it. It has a relatively high success rate for couples 3 years later.

My point is that you either get to a workshop to save time, and or see a T asap.

Please don't be offended by that suggestion, b/c I've been there. I've seen shrinks too, b/c I wanted to get to the bottom of MY PART in the marital issues.

When you say you worked on yourself, I don't know what you mean, b/c I don't see any changes in your behavior from when you posted in 2011. It almost sounds identical.

There's a cycle in your marriage.

Just my description but it seems like the stages are, first There's the tension building stage, then crisis, then the explosion with pain inflicted on both spouses (and whoever is in the blast zone) and then a type of retreat, which may be seen as being close or felt as a calmness.

In other words, it's Like a clock, 12-3 is the tension building, (not sure what is wrong with the other partner but you sense something and it's not good and or your resentment about something is building)


then there is a crisis, like an affair or job loss, illness or a death in the family, and that is 3-6,

then there's an explosion and tempers are lost, and a fight ensues - during which major pain is inflicted,( that's 6-9 on the clock, ) then a retreat and RELATIVE calm & nursing wounds, is from 9-12...

before the whole cycle repeats.

But it repeats, and it is not the model for your kids to see. You don't need him to go to therapy in order for You to go.

Plus, IMO, individual counseling for each partner is probably more useful than MC alone.

Because the type of helpful MC is about when 2 people who are committed to the m and have relatively benign communication problems, or need skills to hone their team making, and conflict resolution, want to work on their r.

Significant issues like depression, anger management, co-dependence, alcohol or drug use, childhood abuse, are such deeply ingrained "baggage" parts, that i'm not sure how MC will help, if the underlying problems remain unaddressed thoroughly.

Does this^^ make sense?



H says he would go to therapy when this all started, but honestly that's not even my worry right now. I really would like to go for me. When we go together he doesn't really participate anyway, so we never stick it out.

[25yearsmlc]

I worked on a lot of my stuff years ago, but I know I need to again. I stopped before I really dealt with it all.
I need to have some long hard talks with myself.

Sweetie you need new tools to deal with a lot of your issues and that's not even the conflict resolution skills in your m, which sound inadequate. I say this as someone who has been there, done that.

It's okay to say you need the tools but it's not okay to pretend you can sweep those underlying themes that keep creeping up and poisoning your chances of long term marital satisfaction.

It would appear we have fallen into old patterns. I don't think anything has ever really been resolved. We sort of just brush it under the rug, so when that happens we just ride it out.

Exactly why you need good tools.

I really think he's unhappy with his life, he made a comment to me today that I don't feel like he's good enough, that I think he is a failure. I don't at all, and have never said such a thing. We moved about 6 months ago to a place where neither of us know anyone,

Why did you guys make this^^ choice and was it a joint decision?

we don't work outside the home so don't meet people. He's a social guy, I really do think he misses having buddies to hang out with and watch sports.

this ^^ is all about him, and you cannot fix him. YOU cannot "make" him feel anything. He has his own work in his own sandbox and you have yours. It's hard sometimes to stay in our sandbox and not get into theirs, but it's mandatory to help the R and it's really helpful for us to keep our sanity.

Not to mention all the guess work and mind reading that is on him, rather than the work you can control, which is the work you do on you.


We do escalate a lot, I really try not to. Especially today, but this argument came so out of left field it was hard to not get flustered by it all. I really am trying to learn to just let him say his piece, I have been hiding in the office all day downstairs trying to stay away from him. When he gives me the silent treatment I can't take it and will run my mouth, so I figured it's better to give him space.

this^^ just makes me sad. How are your kids doing in a new place with this old dynamic?

I'm searching my boxes down here for my books so I can read up. I only have like 20 to go through. Maybe I should unpack them, H has been after me to finish unpacking. That might smooth things a bit more.

LG, do you believe that unpacking your books will make your h feel more successful?

I mean, unpack all you want. It's a good idea. But try not to connect acts like this to your h behaving badly and to your reactive styles.

Big picture...what are your goals?