The excitement of what if

[JujuB]

Zues

Maybe hope is really what we need instead of mindfullness? Thank goodness for Pandora, because without that hope how would we take risk? How would you ever make a sale without the risk of rejection, or loss, or being lied to or manipulated? You would need hope that it could go well for you, right?

Right now, my problem is that I feel hopeless and negative (no surprise). But I also know that marriages do work and survive. EVERYONE in my immediate and extended family is married. My parents drive me crazy but they are actually very sweet with each other. I also know and trust myself. So surely if I am trustworthy, then there has to be others out there that are just as trustworthy.

But my point is that, why would we do business with someone that once screwed us over all ready? I am not really sure about the correct screening process anymore though for finding a new companion. I am not really feeling motivated to look, although I do want love and companionship and a partner. I'm just kind of down right now, and would not even know how to be or act with someone.

I have been asked if I could still attempt true divorce busting. Change the environment with my STBX. Become friends, begin to flirt. Be patient. I am way to hurt and angry. And I do not want to be with someone that considered me DISPOSABLE! That, I think is truly what hurt the most. I have no respect or attraction for ex. I havent for a really long time. So I don't understand my difficulty in moving forward.

You talk about fear of loss. I have always had a fear of loss and death. To me, it is one of my biggest anxieties. And my ex's choice for an elective death is simply incomprehensible to me. I was so foolish when I was young. My first relationship was filled with very real abuse and control and infidelity and I stayed because I did not want to deal with loss. Right now I am also picnicking in a graveyard because I do not want to deal with loss. I am hurting myself and not really enjoying life or hope for a future because I cannot accept loss. My ex has moved on. He Wants the divorce finished and done with. He is friendly. Does not engage in fighting. Is pretty agreeable concerning son and co parenting.

Back during acute post BD, I remember my ex actually telling me "you are trying to resuscitate something that's already dead". How humiliating. Yet here I am still wanting something but i dont even know what it is I want.

Sandi recently wrote about 2 different types of people. I will find the post and put it on my thread. She had trouble understanding my type. The left behind type. i wish I was the other type. The type that could look at things rationally and just move on instead of the lingerer or pursuer or LBS. There is nothing noble in my refusal to accept the end of my marriage. I'm just some fool unable to pull out the life support plug on something dead.

[JRuss]

Juju -- I would suggest that you look at it another way. Your M died. Your role in it, and a big part of your identity, died. These are legitimately horrible, traumatic experiences that require grieving. Everyone is different in terms of how long this process takes, and yours simply isn't all the way over yet. I don't read your posts as being written by someone who refuses to accept the end of your marriage. Far from it. You're just still in the grieving process. Keep on GALing, keep focusing on your own physical and spiritual development, and you will get there. As you go, you will cycle back and through all of the various stages of grief, but don't let that get you down. That's progress, because there are a finite number of those cycles. Each time, just tell yourself it's part of the process, don't judge yourself, and realize you're one crappy round closer to being truly free and on the other side.

[JujuB]

Thanks JRuss

Is there another side? I just feel like it's never gonna get better.

I feel like everything is great for him and tough for me. A big part of me wants him punished. Then once in a while a small part of me feels different. I love him and I Hate him and I wish I was indifferent. I'm not in love with him. I don't feel attracted.
I HATE these feelings.

Finding out he was in a relationship last spring and possibly, probably still in one really bothered me.

Also the legal system feels really unfair to me.

I just want things to be easier for me. I'm tired of constant struggles. I want to feel motivated and hopeful.

Ok. Sorry. I know I've been spinning lately.

[JRuss]

Seems utterly reasonable to feel exactly the way you're feeling.

There is another side; I'm sure of it. Anger, feeling it, acknowledging it, letting it be what it is (trying not to act on it, though) has to be worked through to get there, though. Why on earth would you not be angry? Who wouldn't be? We're taught to push down anger, and to try to force it away, but there's nothing wrong with anger. It's the emotional expulsion of all of the blame we originally (wrongly) put on ourselves when we first realized our Ms were over (or on life support). It has to be experienced.

I think wanting the entire process to be over is actually a good thing. That's a really good goal, and it suggests you're well and truly past the shattering and withdrawal phases, because when in those, there's just coping, and not always that, and there's certainly no ability to look forward. Just don't beat yourself up if, on any given day, you feel like you're backsliding. It's all progress if you want to be making progress. At least that's how I see it.

[SunnyB]

Is there another side? I just feel like it's never gonna get better.

Juju.....you know me as well as anyone here does. Yes, there's another side, you see it in my life every day. You've seen me struggle with things, with the duck, with Mr P's parenting, adjusting to a new life. And you know I'm doing it. You can, too.

I know how you feel, I understand where you are coming from. But you are strong, you are capable, you are loving, you are an amazing mom. Hang on to those things. And let go of the anger, the desire for punishment, the bitterness, the spinning about why. You don't need those on the other side.

[JujuB]

Thank you JRuss. Sometimes i feel like i am just going around in circles and I cannot seem to get out.

Sunny, I am always impressed with your strength, confidence, directness, and ability to act and move forward. And its funny I do frequently think of you as an example

I tend to ruminate and obsess. Im wondering if its more of a habit at this point. Like what would I be thinking about if not this? Hmm. Nope got nothing.

This spring I have to come up with other things to occupy my mind and life. That would be healthy. This is what I need to do.

1. Get the divorce finalized.
2. Take on second job of home cares while son is in school,
for extra money. This will give me flexibility, a new
skill set that is easy to obtain, and supplement my part
time job. It will also keep me occupied
3. Start socializing more. I was really lonely this weekend
and that leads me to feeling depressed and hopeless
4. Start dating. I felt better about ex and not caring what
he was up to when I had someone. It was fun dressing up
and being attractive to someone. It was nice having hope.
5. Pursue some interests. I tend to like to do physical
things. Now that ankle is mostly healed. Would love to
learn to surf and mountain climb and now that son is
getting older, I can do that with him.
6. Get back into yoga.
7. Decreased amount of time on these forums. I think
newcomers is unhealthy for me.

Things I did accomplish
1. Was able to get great resources for my son.
2. Am back in exercise mode, after my fracture. I have a 5
pound to lose goal. But I am trying to focus more on how
healthy i feel rather then on the scale. 5 lbs would in
all actuality not be the healthiest or really sustainable
and i have to remind myself that I don't have to be
perfect.

[JujuB]

My travelling companion is 6 years old...

I came back from a short trip with my son who is getting older and easier to travel with. (Not easy) This little break was much needed. I felt more independent to be able to travel alone, long distant with him. I always wanted to have a partnership and someone to share things with and never had that with ex. And I found it really rewarding just doing it with son.

I spent time with my brother and his wife and it was so nice to see a really healthy relationship. The two of them are awesome people to begin with, but they both like to do things together. They both like to learn and have fun and take on challenges with each other. They both support each other with their own individual challenges as well. And they have experienced the worst of the worst hardships together so I know it can be done.

I remember trying so hard to get ex to do things with me. He just didn't like to. He really didn't want to spend time with me. I am starting to think There was very little he actually liked to do. His only interests were computers. There was really nothing he wanted to do except go out to eat, and I don't think it mattered with whom.

It's funny. But I don't have lots of good memories with spouse to really miss. I was basically just always trying to get him to want to be a couple.

I look back on his parents relationship and I can see how he was mirroring them. I remember back in the day thinking how I would never want a relationship or life like my MIL had, and that's what was happening.

So I am at peace with the ending of this relationship. In all actuality like my ex has said "nothing has changed for me".

Our divorce is getting very close. I am having a hard time accepting how poorly I will do financially. Lawyers have told me from beginning, that I was not in a great posiition. It really bothers me. And I don't know how to get past the unfairness of it. I know others have it worse though but I have this constant fear that I am being duped. Either husband just messed up financially or is hiding money. And the actual evidence seems to point to hidden debt. But I'm always paranoid.

How to get past this?

[Pax_luv]

Hi Juju. I'm glad you were able to enjoy your needed break and that your travel buddy held up ok!

As I was reading your post, I found myself nodding my head in agreement. Theres a lot of similarities there. One thing that gets me is the financial piece. Now, I know with certainty that my ex hid funds for years so I'm stuck with a complete misrepresentation of his financial situation. i know you have a gut feeling, but sometimes those instincts lead you in the right direction. Uch- take care of yourself the best you can.

[JujuB]

Its tough for me Pax. I suffer from anxiety and often build up scenarios in my mind. So i have to be careful.

In my own defense ex was being very evasive. Looking and remembering certain facts seems to indicate its just debt.
He is now being pretty cooperative, probably to save on legal fees as well. If he was cooperative and nicer in beginning, I would have looked at things with different glasses.

Our current state seems to actually be cooperative which is promising. We have absolutely no conflict regarding custody.
We were able to file jointly this year. It seems that I am the one that is agreeing to a bit less money to save court expenditures and this is where I am conflicted.

If I go to court the price of legal fees wont be worth much more then what I would actually receive (although it can be looked at as price ex pays will be more then he would have to give) So its a matter of do I want to drive the harder bargain for not a huge amount and not even a guaranteed amount...but a potential helpful amount considering as main custody provider (80% of time) i have less earning potential and my son does have special needs. As a licensed professional, his lawyer would have a very good chance at calculating my max potential earning equation into the calculations and I would lose money in court. Its all judge dependent I guess and an expensive option. Ex risks the chance that judge will order him to pay part of my legal fees, but also not a guarantee. It also will prolong tension and make for a harder coparenting situation.

I am looking at this very practically and keeping my emotions out of it but its hard because It is unfair. I question myself constantly. Should I have hired the more aggressive lawyer? Would they have bargained better for me? Was my lawyer realistic or not trying too hard or bad at bargaining?

I am under a constant state of tension and doubt.

[JujuB]

I used to post on here as Julieh. When i first came on here I was consumed with knowing whether husband had another woman. It was awful. The not knowing.

Well there was so much I didn't know. I now have access to some financial Intel. It shows alcoholism dating way back. It shows very high cash withdrawals for years pre BD in very bad neighborhoods. It explains why no house. I discovered credit card debt.

Financial statements indicate that after BD, when I was on here obsessing that he was spending weekends in a town near me (not by his mom) which indicates OW. I remember my cousin telling me she would see him with a dry cleaner spare shirt in his car and never showing up to work on Fridays.

So it was financial infidelity, some serious addictions, and most likely OW as well. So much secrecy throughout our entire marriage and relationship.

I would never even know what it would feel like to be in a normal relationship!!!

I really feel traumatized. It's been 2 years almost. And I just feel like, how much more can I Take?

I just want this divorce to be over so I can move on. He is acting friendly with me. Like his old self and it makes me suspicious.

I honestly do not see how he will last long with his addictions and health issues.

On these forums, this type of behavior is par for the course.

But to me, it's a really really big deal!!!

And I know the advise is to just move forward and on with your life. I Know that rationally.

But I also felt this real need to know what exactly I was moving on from.
I needed these answers.

I'm a physical therapist. Often times we do treat people that do not have a definitive diagnosis. And a lot of the time it does help. It's a lot of identifying patterns. We end up treating the dysfunctions that we identify as opposed to the diagnosis.

But what happens if the symptoms of malfunction are from something systemic or visceral or an unidentified fracture? You can end up doing more harm.

My point is that Sometimes you just need the answers. What the hell Was going on in my relationship and why did I doubt myself? I put more trust in my ex then I did in my own perspective.
Why didn't I insist on answers? Why did I just accept what I knew was unfair behaviors?

Ugh. I'm just rambling. It's been a tough week.