Round 2

[Tryin2figuritout]

Vanilla,

Thought of one more of my deep blue and it's such a common one I would think for LBS and that is how does the WAS just tap out on the M. I just don't get it and I'll never get it.

I've read a lot on resentment and understand how it's such a killer on R or M. It all makes sense and I'm not discounting it and I know how that's played a huge role in where I am in my M and sitch.

I just have a hard time with the giving up aspect of it and that turns into sharing time with our kids, financial struggles, etc.

As I've indicated in my posts, I'm dealing with my contributions to this, namely, 1) depression, 2) being my own person and not "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy", 3) being assertive, 4) dealing with issues and not hiding from them and a few more. Dealing with these things will only benefit me in my relationships going forward with or without W.

Hope everyone has a Hoppy Easter weekend. :-)

[Tryin2figuritout]

The W asked me last night if it was hard being in the same house together right now as we get ready for apartment life. To me, I answered no and she said "it can be". I see guilt running through her strongly.

She was talking to me about our schedule with the kids over the next month as we start our separated shared custody (no papers just doing) and she totally looked like she was losing it. I'm not just talking upset/crying, but she looked like she was so out of control she didn't know what's up and what's down. I simply remained calm, stern and collected in the discussion.

Talked about Easter plans and needing to bring a dessert over to my MIL on Sunday and I told her me and the kids would do something (she has to work today and half day tomorrow and I'm off). She says very snarky, "well aren't you parent of the year?" and I called her on it.

Its a little surreal at times with how alike this is to our last go round 4 years ago. She's hit the "eject" button and is so focused on the move out because she can control it. The dust will settle at some point in the apartment life and we'll see what fork in the road this thing goes. I'm not holding onto hope for us and our M and know that my improvements are for me and my kids.

[doodler]

Talked about Easter plans and needing to bring a dessert over to my MIL on Sunday and I told her me and the kids would do something (she has to work today and half day tomorrow and I'm off). She says very snarky, "well aren't you parent of the year?" and I called her on it.

Tryin,

Good job! I think you have to stay on top of the small transgressions, otherwise, you tend to slip back into the old behavioral patterns.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Doodler,

Thanks. No doubt. I would never have called her on it before so as to not "rock the boat". Part of my nice guy behavior pattern I'm working at overcoming. Feels good and coming more naturally.

I plan on being pretty bad ar$e by the time this is all said and done with or without W.

Happy Easter man.

[Bdog37]

I'm not holding onto hope for us and our M and know that my improvements are for me and my kids.

^^^Exactly! Way to go Tryin and keep up the good work!

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks Sal. Appreciate the support!!

[Tryin2figuritout]

Hey Everybody, I hope you had a Happy Easter weekend. Things went well, but feeling it a bit this morning. I think it's a bit of being vulnerable and trying to ride on top that wave.

W noticing more of my changes and it takes a lot to keep my mouth shut about R/M. The struggle is real, but I know it's a must.

Did some baking this weekend with the kidos. We did some cutout sugar cookies for Easter with decorations galore. It was a lot of fun even though I'd much prefer to cook than bake. Baking is just way too precise for my taste and my pre-type 2 self does not need all that sugar!!!!

Had some more conversations on getting apartment life settled and it's really all just about the W feeling in control. She's a little all over the place sometimes and I'm interested to see what this will be like in a good month or so once apartment life is settled.

Gotta work on snapping back into better mental / emotional focus here this morning. Serenity now. Feeling ok, but just a little weak. The ebb and flow we get to know doing this hard work, right?

"Happy" Monday everyone.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Looking for some help here. Tomorrow is lease signing day as we move to apartment life. W asked me this morning how I was and I said "doing great". I asked how she was and she said she was ok but everything is getting real and it's a lot.

I can see that she's gonna probably lose it at some point as we transition, but I know I can't be that guy to pick up the pieces because she doesn't want me to, bit$h (for Leahsue). My plan is to be firm and gentle, but I can't be the emotional support here, right?

Active listening has been a huge problem for me over the years and so I'm working on this with my IC and with my kids. I want to show improvements here, but I think I need to hold this back because it is her choice to do this and she needs to know she's on her own with it.

I'm grateful I have my next IC appointment in the morning before we sign the lease. It will help me get out my anger, pain before we sign. The anger really stems from the abandonment of us which I know all the LBS's understand.

I've come to find some peace in the fact that she's choosing to do this and has in some way taken the burden of failure from me. What I mean by this is if we end in D I will have no guilt, no remorse for our M ending in D. I know that is her decision to go in her direction and she will reap the benefits/rewards/issues/pains from this decision.

I would never give up on my family and am fighting hard for me and the kids. This path is definitely uphill, thin air, jagged, raining, windy, painful, but rewarding in whatsoever comes ahead.

Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Hope everyone has a great day.

[Thornton]

Hey buddy - this might be a great time to validate W's fears etc.

Also, you want her last image of you before going to stay in a lonely apartment, to be a good one. Be supportive and offer to help and validate like there's no tomorrow. Don't offer any fixes, just listen to her.

When my W left the first time, I helped her pack and loaded her car for her. I was DYING on the inside but I didn't let her see me falling apart. I wanted her last memory of me to be one of me helping her reach her goal of wanting to be away from me. When she left, I fell apart. Then I left her completely alone. No calls, texts, nothing. I wanted her to know that her happiness was important to me even though it was going to destroy me.

She told me months later after we had reconciled that her last memory of me haunted her. I was supposed to the devil. She had no ammunition to keep labeling me that way.

Continue to be the great husband and father that you are. And with time, and a little luck, W will peek back over her shoulder and second guess herself.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Thanks Thornton. I guess it's definitely a Validation Marathon without being the crutch approach? It's hard not being an arse because it's what she wants.

She's already tee'd herself up as "the bad guy". That she feels like she's always going to be known as the bad guy in this in separating the family. Guilt running strong.

In some ways, I already see her reacting strangely to my DB'ing. I know this doesn't mean anything in what she'll ultimately do, but it helps keep me going.

I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday and catching him up. I told him that my W really has a "fight or flight" personality and right now she's got me flying on a one-way United flight!