Here again part 5

[Train]

Bahahahahaha!!!!! I know, girl, but that's alllllll about to change! You just hold tight. After this baby is born, we're gonna get you back to you, okay? It might take a couple months, but those couple months will fly.

And nope. Stay mum about the phone call. Work on those little things you can do daily to draw your H closer to you instead of pushing him further away. Whether y'all end up together or not, this is important because you both need to be able to bond with your new son.

I knowwwww it feels like we're encouraging you to drag things out. And sort of we are. But all of us see that there's no hurry right now in your situation. The only thing impatience will do is move you backwards.

You're doing a really, really good job just holding the line right now, T. Keep it up.

[T384]

The only great thing about having been so sick since the get go with this pregnancy is I've only gained 4lbs! Holla! Lol and if this baby really is 10.5 lbs like they're thinking this is going to be the best diet without exercise ever. And maybe I'll even have some abs after all the puking my abdominal muscles got worked.

I am going to continue to check the phone bill and do
My due diligence because it's just who I am but I won't say anything we will probably go back to the counselor a few weeks after the baby. I won't have too much time because I go back to clinical for school 3 - 8 hour days a week May 31 through July 28th so it's gonna be rough.


Is this going to turn around for the two of us? I just want the old H back as I've said so many times. I wish he could just say if he was willing to work on. The M or not. The few people that do know what's going on keep saying the baby is going to bring us closer but I'm not so convinced.

[Train]

In my M, babies made things more stressful. Lol. BUT, the baby may remind you both of what all is at stake.

Your family is worth fighting for.

Your plan sounds great. No boat-rocking. Just slow and steady in these last few days. You're about to meet another little boy who thinks you hung the moon.

[25yearsmlc]

*Stop checking his phone for now. Let his actions do the talking. For now.

truly^^^^!!!

plus, hey, you know better...

[T384]

Oh ya. Definitely more stressful. Well not so much baby number 1 because we were on cloud 9 but baby number 2 was stressful because our son had just turned 3 and was jealousss

I think it will be stressful but it will be so worth it. But I do think it will remind him of our family and what all we have. That's what the counselor said yesterday. He said it would be a shame to see this marriage end when you're both two good people who love each other and have a beautiful family with a new baby coming.

We both just shook our heads in agreement but neither of us said a word.

I am so excited to meet this baby as the time draws closer. Once I get things buttoned up around here the next few days and get this exam behind me and all my clinical paperwork I can rest and get ready to enjoy this baby uninterrupted. I will only have 1 final after baby and some paperwork for next semester if I get everything done by Monday.

The boys are so so excited too!

I retired to my room early tonight after the boys went to bed and H came in rather early too. Said he had a migraine and has been trying to fall asleep. He kissed me goodnight said ILY and I reciprocated and went to bed.

Proud of these pregnancy hormones for not getting the best of me and saying something about the phone call like I did last week. I almost wonder if he's testing me to see if I'm checking it.

[25yearsmlc]

The only great thing about having been so sick since the get go with this pregnancy is I've only gained 4lbs! Holla! Lol and if this baby really is 10.5 lbs like they're thinking this is going to be the best diet without exercise ever. And maybe I'll even have some abs after all the puking my abdominal muscles got worked.

I am going to continue to check the phone bill and do
My due diligence because it's just who I am

(my first 3 of ever)


1) WHY NOW???

And 2) so, your "due diligence"...??? b/c that's Just who you are", (and you cannot change any behaviors because...you know, that's just how you are, but your h - HE has to b/c he's not who he is and he's not feeling what he is feeling and everything he says is a lie and nothing he does is an effort or sincere and you say and do all this,

despite the promises You made at the C...

T0...um, wtf? To me this ^^ is just not good for you or the baby or the m.

Even if you think you'll get info that is somehow useful in a divorce,

There is no reason you cannot do that LATER...the baby is coming in less than a week and you've got so much on your plate OTHER than snooping and planning on snooping too. That's the part that makes me smh the most.

Oh sweetie, you need to settle down big time


but I won't say anything

(but will you resent and seethe for the last week of the pregnancy and the first weeks of the baby in your family?)

we will probably go back to the counselor a few weeks after the baby. I won't have too much time because I go back to clinical for school 3 - 8 hour days a week May 31 through July 28th so it's gonna be rough.


Is this going to turn around for the two of us?

I feel like so much sabotage is coming from both of you but YOU are here saying you want to save the m, and some of your behaviors are not consistent with that.

I think your fears of being hurt again are so high that you think preemptively getting out is protective.

I just want the old H back as I've said so many times. I wish he could just say if he was willing to work on. The M or not.


Well, he wants a warm loving wife before he feels like committing again, and he's not getting that, so he really isn't sure.

And you want him to be sure and say so, before you'll be warm and loving...so..."conditions precedent" can really undermine marriages.

It's like seeing someone explain why they can't exercise b/c their back hurts, but they have to exercise to lose weight to help their back pain, "but but but"....and so on and so on...

You guys have what L's call "conditions precedent" and each of you wants the other to meet those conditions BEFORE you will comply, & give what the other really needs.

I don't know what your h is risking by doing what you need first, or if he's simply being honest about having mixed feelings.

Look, I'm not happy with your h's behaviors - especially with such bad timing for this crap. But dear T0, your timing for snooping and obsessing isn't too great either.



The few people that do know what's going on keep saying the baby is going to bring us closer but I'm not so convinced.

hmmm...well, what should you DO about how unconvinced you are?

Focus on your doubts, right? UGH!

FYI, that's^^ the most I have ever given.

Hey, T0, it's 6 days till your baby boy comes. So here's the last 2 x 4 I'll give you. (Got a helmet on??)
Just this one time I need to say it...

Please hand over to your coming baby, all the headspace & heart space you're presently giving this obsessing and doubting about your marriage

and let your baby be fully welcome into the world, with a mother who puts his needs for love, ahead of her need for marital certainty.

Deep down your rational self knows you will be alright no matter what happens to the m, so shelve it for now. Let your 3rd son be the focus he deserves to be.

((( )))

[T384]

Hi 25,

Sorry you had to use all the unused emojis!

There's no why now all of the sudden, I have been checking the phone bill since BD - keeping myself in the know.

Me checking the phone bill, IMO, hasn't interfered with me doing my school work and getting ready for the baby. I guess I justify it in my mind because it would be eating away at me wondering if he was calling her, etc. Now yes, when I see that they've talked on the phone it bothers me of course.

I am so anxious, I know I am, the C said it too. He said I am in fight or flight mode right now. He explained this to H. He also told H he is giving me plenty of reasons to feel this way.

I do not get why they talk on the phone if they work in the same office... plus he NEVER called her prior to March. I understand not to say anything but I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned. Especially because he does not talk to any of the other girls in the office on the phone.

I know I am not doing everything perfectly and I know you are disappointed in my actions and don't agree with them. I am sorry because I do appreciate you taking your time but I am trying to do the best I can in the situation I am in. Not that it excuses it by any means. It is very hard to explain - it's like I don;t want a divorce BUT in the same sense I don't want to be continued to be treated this way/given these doubts and no reassurance from H while we're living in the same roof. I keep comparing everything to last time over and over. I feel like every single day I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. In my mind, hes leaving like last time and this is the same as last time EXCEPT he's still in the house because I'm pregnant but if I weren't pregnant he would be gone... he just doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy to people leaving his pregnant wife. I also KNOW this may not be the case but this is what my brain is telling me.

In my mind, and I am not saying this is right by any means but just the way I'm thinking/feeling, things would be better or he would be showing me more if he was really here wanting to be in this marriage and not preoccupied with someone else. I take every single gesture he does as just trying to buy time to stay here since he knows and I've told him if he's done he needs to move. He doesn't have the money to leave and put down first, last and a security deposit because he just had to shell out many thousands of dollars for our tax return.

Again, not saying any of this is true but it is how my brain has been feeling and continues to feel. Why can't I trust that any gesture is genuine? I really would like to not feel this way and I want to believe he IS making an effort but my mind won't let me do that right now. I don't want to feel this way.

I do have to say I am bothered by the phone call but I did not sit in the house resentful one bit last night. We watched a movie with the boys and all laughed and had a good time. I went to my room (as I've been doing most of the nights) after I put the boys to sleep. My youngest likes me to read to him and rub his back (he is very spoiled) so I usually end up laying with him for a bit anyway. H fell asleep on the couch and I went out there and covered him up and shut the lights off. He woke up and came to the room said goodnight, etc as I said and he went to bed. So yes internally I was bothered but I didn't show it one bit. I posted here when I wanted to say something and it helped tremendously.

You are very right that my fears are through the roof of him putting me through what he did last time. It was terrible. Just as C told H, he chose to step out of the M last time and leave the M filing for D -- not me. So my reaction from that trauma is natural and H's lack of assurance pushes me further into this downward spiral. H just agreed and said he understood but didn't say much on the subject. I don't want to push him away but I guess maybe I am subconsciously.

The C also told H that he lied to me so much before in previous BD that now I feel like I have to ask the same thing 50 times because last time he eventually admitted the truth about OW. So he said I figure if I keep asking maybe on the 51st time H will give me a different answer that's the truth. He said that is why I continue to ask the same thing over and over because last time I eventually got a different answer - the truth.

The C said it is like we are both waiting for the other person to do something, like a game of chicken. He said we both need to make the effort and both need to reciprocate when the other person makes the effort. I feel I did that yesterday and H did as well.

Oh and I am very ready for this baby and he IS a priority. My boys are a priority. Yes I post all of this here but it does not interfere with my day to day life with my time with my kids and school. Well maybe a little bit of school and house work because I take some time to post here when prior to this I might be cleaning or doing something similar.

I hope this clarifies or helps you understand my mind a little bit. I really really don't want to feel this way. My brain and my rationale reverts back to last time. I felt understood in the C because he explained all of my feelings are normal to H and the C is actually the one that brought all of this up on his own. He wanted to explain to H why my behavior and actions are what they are. I don't know if H was in a place to hear it and absorb it but it was nice to feel understood by someone and that I'm not just a crazy lunatic that's hanging on by a thread.

As far as for this morning, I couldn't sleep so I got up early to make the boys' lunches, etc. H came and gave me a kiss goodbye (he usually leaves early while we are all sleeping but he slept in this morning). Anyway he kissed me and said see ya later, I told him to have a good day and he wished me the same and that was it. I am trying to do what the counselor asked

[JRuss]

When he told you how stressed he was about his pay reduction, what did you say?

[That was him taking a step toward you. An opportunity.]

[T384]

I told him I understand it's stressful and maybe we could look at selling some things to reduce our monthly expenses and pay some bills off so he has less to worry about paying each month so that he doesn't feel he has to leave his job.

[25yearsmlc]

T0

I'm not disappointed in you, I'm just worried about your health, etc.

If you are a believer, maybe this mantra will help as it helped me (bc you know in your head that you will be alright in the long run, regardless of what happens in the m).


When you operate in fear, you are not operating in faith.

T0, There's no need for you to be living in fear, today.


Make sense?

And your suggestion to sell something to help pay off bills and reduce stress was a good one. Maybe you can follow up with a specific idea of something to sell-
so your h won't think you mean his motorcycle...

(& now that I write that out, I wonder if that what you were thinking?)