The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Thank you, Bttrfly, for the visit. Alanon hadn't occured to me. I might try to find some time to give that a try. I might be able to get D24 to go, as well.

I can't believe how fast things happen in life...I only posted that a week ago. So, I guess an update is in order.

House buying is moving along well. The inspection came out pretty good...nothing horrible about the house. Will need a new roof and paint soon, but I kind of figured as much. I'm putting a large down payment to keep the monthlies down since I don't know what my finances will be after my spousal support ends. Also, due to desirability of location making this house an easy sell if things fall out in the future, I'm paying a bit more than I want. I feel it is the safer thing to do, though, with an unknown future.

Fun twist: D24 and boyfriend asked if they could move in and pay me rent to decrease her stress levels while she goes back to school this semester (Whoops! Mine may go up!). I agreed to let them use the basement rooms and bath for half of my mortgage and utilities. Yesterday she let me know that she gave her two weeks at her stressful job, as well. She is determined to concentrate on school and therapy and boyfriend is being very supportive. Even if that R goes south (you never know), I'm all for her giving this a try. She has agreed to follow my house rules. We'll see how this goes. 0 expectations.

Fun note- a woman who bought prints from me wanted to meet at a gallery/ wine bar in the resort town nearby for delivery of said prints. She had been talking me up to the owner and wanted us to meet. That went well and now I have originals for sale there and will be bringing my prints and other (acceptable) paintings soon. She was very discerning and chose six. She also told me that I should get to painting and that if I had enough that were to her taste (now that I know what she will accept), she will give me a show in June. She is located right across from the large lakefront resort...boy would I have exposure! So, exciting times for me! I've already completed one painting in two days...now I just need to keep going.

I have more to update; there is a bit about H. But I will have to think a bit on it and continue after work. As a hint, I will be repeating "kindness, kindness, kindness" throughout the day as a reminder to myself of how to approach him and others who frustrate me. I need to remember that other's pain often drives their actions. I notice the sun keeps peaking out just when I think we've had too much rain to bear.

[ciluzen]

Mostly, this is journaling I think, to get my head around things so I can then release them. I value input from others, as I've learned so much by reading threads of similar situations or interactions.

So, enough about the "fun" part of life, which is also stressful; but I guess that makes it kind of thrilling. Now to the bit about H. We have had some contact about D24, but then we've recently had contact about taxes. We are D, so we are filing separately for the first time and needed to make sure our numbers match. Basically, my taxes are simple and his are very complicated. We had a bit of an argument about a certain amount of money that he used to pay our taxes last year, and believed I should have claimed half. My accountant vetoed it, but he was stuck on it. His defense was that he payed a lot and I had "all of his money and he had all of the debt". I got angry.

I didn't mke the choice to leave; he did. We really had no cash. As a consequence, I came away with the proceeds from our the sale of our house (it was half paid off), my car, furniture, and a small part of his retirement. He kept the vacation home (worth more than the family home and his debt is to his parents) and his office (debt will be paid off when my spousal support ends in 3.5 years). He also kept 2 cars, a classic car, and his boat.

When I got angry, I pointed this out to him. He will be debt free in a few years and will have the same job and a large home on a river. I will hopefully be done with my master's program and be able to find employment, but I will be starting a career at 52. He claimed I never appreciated what he did for me...I threw back that he maybe needed to look at the things I did do for him so that all he needed to concentrate on was his career. I not only cared for the house and kids and animals, but he came home to a hot meal, I did all of the landscaping for our 10 acres, took care of the finances and built up our stock portfolios and IRAs, on and on. I even took care of the vacation home, furnished it by Craigslisting and refinishing furniture, patched and painted walls, etc. I painted his entire office and painted all of the paintings he had on the walls. Ughhh...sorry....pity party with anger.

So, the wierd part. He starts to get mad. He's been trying to be unemotional around me...only allowing little jokes...little "I'm sorrys"...little sparks of controlled anger. He desperately doesn't want to part with the money to pay taxes and wanted to be angry with me for recieving spousal support and having the house money, but there was more...

He kept repeating through gritted teeth, "I'm not going to do this, I'm not going to do this"...I realized he was trying to hold his anger in so I started saying "do it! Just say it!"

So he spewed. Briefly about what we were discussing (mere seconds), but then all about his awful day dealing with his parents, brothers and lawyers (dealing with trying to have guardianship over their parents). Then all of the emotions involved in that. As the anger abated he was able to open up more about things and I realized he is doing some deep thinking while alone.

He mentioned something he heard about forgiving and forgetting and why we do it (for us, not them) and how he had thought about that all weekend.

He mentioned how he realizes he holds his strong emotions in so we discussed that.

We talked about his feelings about his mom's Alzheimers and his feelings about his dad. His fear/sadness of losing his Dad soon and how right now, he's accepting his mom being lost already...his concern for her care.

Two hours of him talking.

He is still very focused on him. I guess he should be with all that is happening...it is all he can handle. I need to remember that. Not everyone handles life's stresses the same way. But he is thinking. That's good. I understand that when he has said," I can't care or I will lose my mind" about our daughter, he means that about me and his mother, too. But he does. His actions show it. What he really is saying is, "I'm afraid to care deeply and acknowledge my true feelings about it." But on some level, he really seems to be doing that with tiny, baby steps. And that is something.

[ciluzen]

So this will probably be my shortest post ever, but I have a question.

After my tax conversations with XH, I saw that he was really doing a lot of thinking and I still understand that he is stressed and depressed, but something shifted in me. I kept revisiting the fact that he focused on how I have "his money" and that he threw out at me that I never thanked him for the money he paid our taxes with. That last bit was rewriting, as he's mentioned my "lack of appreciation" before and so I make a point to thank him for everything he does, even him just responding to a question.

For some reason, that made me realise that no matter what I do, I am the root cause of all of his troubles, or will be made to be. After a down day a week later and a great vacation, I woke up and felt as if the "pining" for him was really gone. I am more focussed on today and the future than the past.

For those of you out there who have moved on, I'm curious. What was the biggest cause of your shift in thought? What caused you to truly give up and drop the rope ...and LEAVE it on the ground?

[job]

ciluzen,

Each person has a different light bulb moment. Mine was after he left once, came back for 7 months and threatened to leave numerous time during that 7 month visit. When he spoke to my father is a very nasty and disrespectful way and threatened to leave for the 7th time, that was it for me. Do I have any regret from dropping the rope and leaving it on the ground. Heck no.

Trust me, you will know when you've had enough and need to drop that rope completely.

[CaliGuy]

For those of you out there who have moved on, I'm curious. What was the biggest cause of your shift in thought? What caused you to truly give up and drop the rope ...and LEAVE it on the ground?

For me .... I had had enough of the pain. the past 3 years and all I had done, mirror work, GAL, PMA, 180's all of it single handedly trying to salvage my married it hit me ... to who? This woman was no longer my wife, the things she did and continued to do ... basically it was the last straw ... reading the TM to OM, and seeing the image she sent I realized this was no longer my wife... looked like her, sounded like her, all those things but my wife would never do what this person in possession of her was doing and it was not like she was oblivious to the pain she was causing .. it was almost like she enjoyed it in a sick twisted way.

So I let it go .... was not easy but it came to a point I no longer wanted to pick it up, thing was heavy and roughed up my hands pretty good.

[Coly23]

Hey Ciluzen, just dropping by to see how you are. I just want to say that I always appreciate your comments on my thread. You really make me think!

I'm sorry that your exH is still in the MLC fog as evidenced by the fact that he still blames you for everything and that it all seems to be about the money!

Maybe for your sanity it is time to drop that rope! You have been doing so well with your business and GAL I don't really think you need exH's negativity at the moment..

(((Ciluzen)))

[bttrfly]

It's such a shock to me when I encounter exh's spew and realize how much anger he still harbors towards me. Why? He literally has everything he wanted. When I ask and mention that he gets angrier.

People often need to vilify others to justify their own behavior. I just keep coming back to that and it helps me detach even more because frankly I don't want to be with someone like this. Just not at all what I want in my life on any level!

Cil you've come so far. This is just a way of the universe showing you how much you've progressed while he's still spinning his wheels. That said, maybe spinning his wheels is exactly what he's supposed to do right now on his own path.

Leave the rope and go for a walk with your pup. Look for spring flowers or signs of renewal where you are. Focus on that. xoxoxoxo

[ciluzen]

Thank you Job, Cali, Coly, and Bttrfly for your responses to my question.

I'm at a wierd point with the whole rope drop thing right now. I'm enrolled in my program, but don't start til mid-June. I close on my house this week and am packing (in a lazy way) up my apartment. I'm coaching soccer. I'm painting and placing my pictures. I'm finding time to hang out with my friends. I'm pretty good at concentrating right now on all of these things and living in the moment and planning out the near future events. But the universe likes to throw XH back at me as if to say, "hang on...he's still here".

I went to watch my friend's daughter play soccer yesterday. She is one of XH's assistants. She told me a funny story about running into a patient of XH, who asked if he was dating someone "special". Friend said she didn't know...he hadn't said anything. But then, apparently the patient explained that she had seen him skiing quite a few times with a woman whom he seemed to like quite a bit and they seemed to be dating...and then went on to describe me. She said he looked so happy with her. So friend showed her a picture of me on her phone and patient said, yes...that's her. When my friend said "that's his XW", patient was shocked. I explained that, yes...it always struck me as strange, too. Nice to know that its not just me that read the situation that way. We both just kind of shook our heads. She told me he says NOTHING about me...except for a few paintings, I don't exist at his office anymore (he used to speak of me often). She found that stange, but to me it makes total sense.

Later that day, D24 and boyfriend came over to have Easter lunch (day early). XH had come over to drop off some tables for a garage sale she's having. We had had a 2.5 hour phone conversation before he got there (very rare for her to communicate for very long) and told him this. He wanted to know all that was said. He then told her he should probably help me (us) move. When she explained that we both have people lined up, he still went on about how he should be there to "help mom". D24 explained that I work with a h.s. football coach and that I have a few players helping. He ignored and still insisted that she tell him when and where to be. So, I guess that will be happening. He still lingers there in the background. As I said to both D24 and my friend, he can do whatever he wants to do. He seems to be really lost and not quite sure where he belongs, what he should do, or how he should feel. Adrift, if you will; or to borrow from HaWho..."unmoored".

On a personal note, I went out to an amazing dinner at a new restaurant inside of an old factory. Fantastic! Then went to a mixed art, dance, poetry, lit reading show with our local symphony. Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" was the base performance, with other musical artists (hip hop, country, alt pop), readings, dance, performance art, and an aerialist intertwined and at times collaborating with the symphony. We were standing in an open space in the same factory as the restaurant. It was envigorating! I do love this part of my new life...I'm happy that I'm coming back into me. I grew up in the arts, and I know part of my unhappiness was that this was missing. My own fault, though! I won't let go of this for anything...life is too short.

[Coly23]

Hi Cil, happy Easter to you!

How very interesting that XH's patient thought you were his new lady friend! He does seem very confused and I can see how he can seem adrift in his life as well especially as he was married to you for so many years. You were a huge part of his life and now you aren't in it anymore that's a huge hole to fill.

The dinner in the old factory and entertainment sounds like fun. It's good that you are getting back to what you love!

[ciluzen]

Thanks, Coly, for stopping by!

Yes, its amazing how lost some of us get in our marriages. I was soooo co-dependent! It happened so slowly, over so many years. First its just the two of you, completely absorbed in each other. When kids are introduced, much of your life revolves around them. I just forgot to make time for me...and then I forgot who I was. Saturday, I really remembered. It was overwhelming, almost. But in a good way!

I spent Easter alone. D26 is out of the country and D24 went to boyfriend's family. I started to have a bit of a pity party remembering the fun of Easters past...church, XH and I hiding eggs for the D's even when they were adults, making extravagant brunches, putting together fun baskets to surprise them, then lovely dinners. Then I remembered what a great evening I had. Bttrfly's gratitudes came to mind. Also, that I shouldn't live in the past...its full of nice memories, but that's all they are. Things that shaped me...and them. Like steps as you're climbing up. You can look back at them as you move up, but they serve no purpose on the rest of your climb, except to maybe build muscle and give you an idea of how to tackle the next set coming up.

I was thankful for a day of rest and reflection. I used it as a painting day and binge-watched a series that D24's boyfriend recommended, 13 Reasons Why. It was hard to watch, but good. I had to take multiple walks with my pup to break it up. I recommend it to everyone, especially parents. No...everyone. But it is HARD to watch.

I breifly considered calling XH to wish him a Happpy Easter. I didn't. I can think of reasons to do it, but every reason was self serving when I broke them down. He is not asking for my attention, right now. So, I'm NC unless he chooses. And I'm still working on finding me again.