Gordie: trying to focus on me 2

[SBJ]

Weekly update: no major changes. More pursuing behavior by w. There was no mention of d this week. Focusing on the positives and not dwelling on the negativea. W and I are talking more and w is opening up more to me about her life. We continue to have sex regularly. I was going to take the kids somewhere for Easter and w wants to join us. I was surprised.

🙏🙏🙏I'm glad things are still going well. I guess what they say is right when they say...do what works, not what you think should work.

[bttrfly]

^^^ Amen to that SBJ ... in MLC world, what works is often not what we think will work.

Gordy keep doing what you're doing and keep your expectations to zero.

xoxoxoxo

[Gordie]

One other change. A while ago she said she no longer wanted to go to church with me and the kids and she stopped. The last two weeks she joined us with no explanation.

[Gordie]

SBJ and bttrfly--thanks so much for following along and encouraging me. You guys are inspiring.

[SBJ]

Stay strong Gord...we all have your back and are waling the path with you.

I recommend you watch the movie "War Room". I know that many of the faith movies are hokey and cheaply made, but this one is awesome. I highly recommend it. It is big on praying for our spouses to save your marriage and how best to do it.

I also recommend reading "The Shack" and seeing the movie. The underlying theme in it is that of forgiveness. The movie does stray a bit from the book, but it is well made.

Stay strong my friend.

[Gordie]

So I guess the past few weeks of closeness was the calm before the storm. I got a cal from my L that my w instructed her L to file. W hasn't mentioned this to me. Advice? I have a lot of feelings going on and we are about to leave for a family weekend away. I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was months ago but this still hurts.

[roist]

Say nothing. Carry on as normal. When she brings it up she needs to understand D removes all closeness and family perks that go with being M. I would avoid the word perks!!

I outlined my thoughts on this before. What does your coach say?

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Roist,

Thanks. Coach thinks my w is confused and that she may need to file to prove to herself that she can do it. She may need to go through with the d itself. Advice is to be steady and continue to do the things that draw her to me. Stick to disagreeing with d but not standing in the way of it.

[CaliGuy]

Roist,

Thanks. Coach thinks my w is confused and that she may need to file to prove to herself that she can do it. She may need to go through with the d itself. Advice is to be steady and continue to do the things that draw her to me. Stick to disagreeing with d but not standing in the way of it.

I have seen some file quickly ... and have first hand witnessed my own drag it out ... what 3 years before she finally filed. I do not think there is a ryhme nor reason ... but yes she is most likely all over the place emotionally so you have to be the rock and just take it as it comes ... believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do right?

I too agree ... least for mine... I do think she needs the D just to exhaust all options, in their heads the marriage is what is holding them back, after they have eliminated all those things they think are making them miserable they sit there still miserable and hopefully come to the conclusion there is only one common denominator in the equation and they hopefully start doing the mirror work back to the land of reality, or they very well may continue the path they are on ... know one can be certain

[bttrfly]

^^^^ Agree 100% ... And, to be fair, if depression is the epicenter of MLC, then one has to accept that the MLCers thinking is excessively cloudy at best. They change everything external that they can think of - hair, clothes, jobs, cars, friends ... some force their families to relocate, thinking a geographic cure will finally cure their unhappiness. Finally, they look to us, the spouse, the one constant in this mess and think, "Aha! You're still here! THAT'S why I'm still so unhappy!" and there you have it, a swift ticket to divorce court. These people are on a mission to find peace at all costs, disregarding the havoc they leave in their wakes. That's where the crazy justifications come in.

I believe ultimately, they want peace at all costs because they are so desperately broken inside. Meanwhile, the family, longtime friends, co-workers and LBS are left scratching their heads, wondering what the heck just happened.

This is why it is so important to recognize that even though we didn't ask for this, it's here and the most healthy, best, compassionate response for all concerned is to dig as deep as necessary for patience and travel our own path. One thing's certain: no one will ever be successful in stopping a MLCer determined to go their own way, so you may as well focus on yourself and damage control and give the rest to God.

xoxoxo

{{{{{hugs}}}}} hang in there! You're doing better than you think you are. We are here for you. I know it's hard but keep doing what you're doing. She needs to know that you love her, don't want this but won't stop her. She will do what she will do. You just be authentic to who you are and trust that you will get through this. We have your back. I'm very sorry this is happening.