25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[exquisitetobe]

I' m with Cadet on this one.. i beleive the foundation is weak from the start. Other person become the next victim; or even both. Lust versus love.. and eventho they do not show it, the reactions of the people around them DO AFFECT THEM. The guilt and shame is present, burried under the mask and the ego.

[25yearsmlc]

"what if he IS happier and what if he DOES live well and what if he NEVER regrets this..."???"

I would not want to bet on that, in fact I would take the bet and give you odds on the other side of the bet.

Switching partners without doing any work is a recipe for disaster.

If it was so easy then the second marriage divorce rates would not be higher than the first time marriage divorce rates.( and third time marriages(divorce rates) even higher than that.

My Ego sure likes to hear this^^.

That is another mistake I (yes ME) made - when we reconciled,

despite his mothers illness - OR Because of it, why didn't I more strongly urge him to seek T?

We went to Retrovaille, had a break through and then his mom was sick and BOOM,

piecing was over. I don't mean consciously over. But In hindsight...which is 20-20

I am not positive H has ever sought help for something apart from me. Nothing individual....but God knows I have and will.

[Tryin2figuritout]

We went to Retrovaille, had a break through and then his mom was sick and BOOM,piecing was over. I don't mean consciously over. But In hindsight...which is 20-20 I am not positive H has ever sought help for something apart from me. Nothing individual....but God knows I have and will.

25,

Sometimes hindsight is 20-20 and sometimes it takes more bumps, trips and stumbles to shed more light to make things more visible. Clarity is hard to come by when you're in it, but when the fog of illusion is gone it's a lot easier to see.

My piecing with my W 4 years ago lead me to a point where we were both comfortable and then full stop. You think you've got it. Things are generally good, but I'm learning that generally good just ain't nothing. Got to be working on things all the time.

I wish you peace in your journey through this.

Trying

[Vanilla]

My R didn't piece, I have no experience of it. Abuse being a target is sadly square in my knowledge.

Asking about cPTSD is because you lived Alaska, with little means of escape (other than GAL).

So clean question

Did that experience cause you trauma?

V

[Ginger1]

25, I think you nailed it where you say he didn't do the separate work on himself. You cannot take accountability for that. You did everything right, great DBing, counseling with him, retrovaille, EE for yourself.

I think both you know and I know after being on these boards for so many years, that when someone doesn't truly do the work on themselves, it comes back to bite them in the butt somewhere down the line. You have absolutely no control over that part.

[Cadet]

I think the fault that most LBS make are that they continue to be Co-dependent, conflict avoiding, enablers.
I know that describes me and concerns me for any relationship.
Boundaries remain important also.
I think that is where I need to continue my effort of work.
And I would suggest most other LBS's here need to do the same.

[exquisitetobe]

Imo, we need to look at the reason we entered the realtionship in the first place. In my case, ex-H was strong where i was weak and i was strong where he was weak. We shared common interest and we truely were best friends. We have set goals and achieved them. Each of us take on a role. We help and support eachother in those roles.we help one another be the best we can be. We have done alot for our Ex's to be who they are today BUT, They have done alot for US to be who we are. Co-dependancy imo is part of a relationship. We know(or thought) we can count on our partner in our moment of weakness.
Unfortunately, when MLC hit, we are left to dry while they find someone else to plsy our role. In their mind, the role can be played by both woman and when we slap them with a reality tcheck, they are baffled.. ????

ANGER..
Like Vanilla, i like anger. It is a powerful emotion, a motivator, a protector. It could also be unhealthy if we carry it too far. Anger need balance.
In your case, it is a drive for your D. Be careful to not use it for revenge.you do not want to live with guilt and shame yourself. Analyze what your future needs and set this as your platform. No need to give him everything and no need to put him in the street.. be fair and you' ll be feeling good about the whole thing!

25, YOU ARE a woman with a Great heart and good judgement. You know right from wrong and i know you will follow your intuitions. I have faith in you and i really do admire the person you are!!

[25yearsmlc]

My R didn't piece, I have no experience of it. Abuse being a target is sadly square in my knowledge.

Asking about cPTSD is because you lived Alaska, with little means of escape (other than GAL).

So clean question

Did that experience cause you trauma?

V

There were 2 episodes of living there, for me. No I would not say living there Alaska was traumatic.

I hated the endless darkness, but had kids with me and took them out of state every January. And I GAL in a way that still makes me proud.

Parts of Alaska are barren but parts of it are as stunning as you see on television. Hard to explain what -40' is like... I enjoyed parts of it, immensely. I offered to buy property there for summers and I meant it. (Yes there are closer places I'd prefer, not quite so remote. But I'm flexible).

The first assignment there was when I noticed distinct changes in H, however. Can't decide if it was the timing of it (he was out of a residency and burn unit that $ucked for him) or that he was in THE WILDS or that something pathological in him became more self evident. Or that he had understandable pent up recreational demand.

I arrived there 8 months pregnant the first time, and he was less of the h he had been before. And more irritable, periodically. He and S spent a LOT of time wrestling and S took the state championship, twice. But it seemed excessive for the whole family to drive 6 hours for a match, up there...but we did.

Our older d once said "Dad & Alaska... I'm bored with hearing about Alaska now. I lived there, I get it, YAWN..."

At the time I laughed, but she's right. He made it about so much more than a lovely place to visit or live temporarily...like it should be paradise for all of us or we just didn't get it. He once told a MC that I had an "irrational" distaste for it, to which the MC said "but she lived there and did well. Couldn't it be you who has the irrational attachment? Most couples take destinations off the table if their spouse doesn't want to live there. Period."

H did not want to see that MC much longer after that. In fact he seemed to think I brainwashed all of them b/c I'm such a great wordsmith...

(If I could brainwash people like h thinks, I'd have done it to h!)

In sum, no I think it was an extremely harsh environment but I threw myself into it and still feel personally good about that. Not maritally, but personally.

[25yearsmlc]

I think the fault that most LBS make are that they continue to be Co-dependent, conflict avoiding, enablers.
I know that describes me and concerns me for any relationship.
Boundaries remain important also.
I think that is where I need to continue my effort of work.
And I would suggest most other LBS's here need to do the same.

YES^^^

RE Past 10 years --- When the boundaries were not completely clear, I failed to enforce them. In fact, even when they were semi clear, I somehow did not see it, or let it slide.

Why? Fear? Surely that's a part of it.

But I think there is more and that I have to explore it deeply and bravely and maybe not like what I find.

Like I didn't want to see it I know that I soooo wanted to keep the girls in one place for their schooling, (which they asked for as their priority 10 years ago),

so maybe I saw what I had to see to achieve that goal and hoped things would improve "later"??? My grief when my mom died and the other things that happened in late 2015, threw me off. But there were times before then that h was line crossing.

I'll definitely work on this^^ with my new T.

I will not repeat that behavior again in any r.

So help me God I say this here,

The next time an actual boundary or deal breaker is crossed,

I will walk away and not look back.

I would ask that you all help me remember this if it ever comes up.

[25yearsmlc]

25, I think you nailed it where you say he didn't do the separate work on himself. You cannot take accountability for that. You did everything right, great DBing, counseling with him, retrovaille, EE for yourself.

I think both you know and I know after being on these boards for so many years, that when someone doesn't truly do the work on themselves, it comes back to bite them in the butt somewhere down the line. You have absolutely no control over that part.

So true. So simple, so true and at times, so hard to do. The letting go of what we cannot control is key

but the struggle I'm having is that I DO have to get through this legal quagmire so I cannot just let go of huge parts of this, at the moment.

Balancing the letting go - against engaging in my life's most distasteful experience yet.