25yearsMLC - 10 years later I FILE D

[Mach1]

That is another mistake I (yes ME) made - when we reconciled,

despite his mothers illness - OR Because of it, why didn't I more strongly urge him to seek T?

We went to Retrovaille, had a break through and then his mom was sick and BOOM,

piecing was over. I don't mean consciously over. But In hindsight...which is 20-20

I am not positive H has ever sought help for something apart from me. Nothing individual....but God knows I have and will.

I would venture that his Mother being sick affected BOTH of you deeply.

Enough of a bottom ( not an absolute bottom ) to put the monsters to sleep for a while.

Enough of a return for you to breathe a sigh of relief...

Life moves on, things are good on the outside...

Her being sick affected you too, probably moreso considering that your head wasn't constructed of mush-brain just shortly before. Coming from DBing, YOU were ultra sensitive to your surroundings...


Him ? Not so much...

For him, is was shift in his brain from one thing to absorb his energy, into another thing to absorb his energy....





Now, for the part that you may not like... : )

Your words here...

Try not to get caught up in the "whys" of this. They really serve you no purpose for now. There will be time for that later, down the road.

Your objective is totally different than most here, at least for today.

You aren't here trying to save, or salvage the pieces of your marriage.


So my advice to you, would be, to first off...

You need to be 100% physically, or as close as you can be...

That should be priority number one for you...


From there, THEN you make plans, and go after what you want...

From there, THEN you are able to do the things that you WANT to do...

From there, THEN you become more financially stable on your own, and whatever comes from him is bonus money, play money if you will...

From there.....

So maybe shift focus from "what if" and "why"....

To how to get..."there"


Step 1 is....

[Rick1963]

Wow 25. I had a feeling something was up with you. I am truly sorry this is happening. You helped me from day 1,when I came here. And you have helped countless others. I hope you health is ok? We got your back sending prayers

[leahsue]

Hi 25,
Just stopping by to offer a word of encouragement. I always look forward to reading your posts. You have a beautiful writing style. And such wise, thoughtful posts. You are a perfect example of life handing you lemons, well, you know the rest. You've taken your story and made good use of it, dropping bread crumbs to all of us who follow this road.

[25yearsmlc]

Random journal notes...

Email from my L, replying to my "WTF is happening in the D process?" questions...

She says that h's L has "trouble getting ahold of him. That when he reaches h, h seems distracted and disorganized and won't stay on track, other than complaining about having to pay me..." (H is an MD, with an OW, and who knows what else...)

3 thoughts were triggered in me.

1) This immediately alarmed me on behalf of h, like "oh no he's flipping out like his mom and having a breakdown..."

(I'd use the term "co-dependent" but as another poster said, long marriages do tend to create some interdependencies and I'm not sure it's all pathological)

Anyhow

THEN

2) "Ha, this proves he's nuts to be doing this!" (& "I'm a great catch, his loss," etc)

THEN

3) Oh damn, such a swatch of destruction.

So Last night

I had a dream with h in it, (not exactly rare) and in the dream he was very sad, I think he was crying hard.

He felt embarrassed in the dream. In the dream, and in real life, I took no joy in his tears.

(Okay maybe a little glad that he wasn't bragging about how HAPPY he is, NOW)

but more like insight b/c of the lawyer's comments.

I think the email, via the dream allowed me to realize that all is not well in h's world.

This may seem like a wildly fun ride to the outsider (and to the spouse who wanted the m to work, that image hurts very badly.)

But as Mach & Cadet have said, if affairs lead to happy 2nd m's, why do more end in divorce?

To me, it now seems more like h has tried to hold a beach ball of unspoken resentment under water, (& kept a lot of secrets I'm now more aware of)

and now the beach ball has broken free from h's hands and is out of the water, except it's out of control and undirected.

Amid my sense of loss, I must also admit a certain sense of relief.

This^^ is Not my sandbox. H's lack of inner contentment & constant restlessness,

not my sandbox. Trying to please h, meet insane expectations or be a disappointment,

also NOT my sandbox. I need to dig in my own sandbox today.

And that's my insight for now.

[25yearsmlc]

Happy Easter!

Well, for those who are believers, liturgically, Easter is about resurrection the rebirth of the soul.

Kind of a DB event in a way.

While posting to someone else who was asking WHY they had not noticed things in their m, earlier. Why they believed their WAS when they lied OR when they returned to the marriage and ended up back here (as I am).

In my case, I believed things were alright even though I knew at times, that I should have dug deeper, or probed further and addressed that uneasy feeling I had

and I also wonder about the times that seemed really good in the past decade.

Were they good? Were they fake? Etc etc.

2 thoughts on that

First, my daughters did not want to move again. Period. The way to make that happen was to DB and wait a bit as there were no financial issues at the time. H was paying the mortgage, although from afar.

In time we reconciled. So I cannot regret this^^.

But the other reason I did not see things more clearly, is b/c I wanted to believe the things that validated my choice to stay.

This^^ is what I'll work on with my new T and at some point maybe the goal will be to just forgive myself.

[Vanilla]

There are observations in 12 steps which I love so much

Today Tomorrow Yesterday



THERE are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

TOMORROW'S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds--but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW for it is as yet unborn.

This leaves only one day--TODAY--. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities--YESTERDAY and TOMORROW that we break down.

It is not the Experience of TODAY that drives people mad--it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

So let us live one day at a time.

----------------------

For me it was one hour at a time

V

[25yearsmlc]

amen sista

mood swings happen sometimes hourly. Easter was great b/c I only rarely thought of h. I was with couples all around (all family, but still).

i was not part of a couple for the first time since I was 19. But the topics were interesting and the food was good. No obsessing!

Tomorrow I get my car. First time in 6+ months I can drive, medically. Feels like I'm 16.

Crazy small milestone but everything that makes me feel less stuck, is valuable.

Back to today...

Vanilla, thanks.

[25yearsmlc]

the mental movies of OW are gross enough

but the looking back and wondering what other lies or crap I missed, what was joyful but maybe now is not and this undermines a lot of family history. Along with the health crap of October, I find myself feeling too much self doubt.

Working on it.

Something new that I feel now, is not anger so much as kind of a hatred. Like I'd feel at a kidnapper who took my children.

This could sure make future celebrations a drag.

[TxHubby]

Sometimes D is best for everyone involved. I'm toying with that idea myself. My fWW are "reconciled" but to be honest, she has always seemed tainted to me ever since her A. I used to think so much more of her as a person. This version of her is not near as special. She's not necessarily doing anything wrong. She has been a model former wayward doing all the things that are prescribed of former wayward spouses but I'm starting to think "so what?"

TxHubby,

I worry about this^^. I don't want the ultimate road my marriage is taking, to be projected onto others. I want more for you.
You say she's being a model former wayward, and with all due respect b/c I REALLY hear your pain,

is there a part of you that wants to punish her?

In the unlikely event I ever recon with h, (and I mean, UNLikely), I'd need to know what steps he took to avoid making these types of choices and how he resolved whatever crap is within him, to be so dishonest for so long, and this could
only to be learned through therapy and workshops, where I can share the experience and feel trust again.

This^^ would take at least a few years. But my situation has been much longer than yours, and if you read through my whole thread (which would deserve an award)
you'd see a very different piecing process.

Our piecing was interrupted by H's mothers' cancer. We did not resume the needed parts once she passed away.

And years later, here I am.

Whatever plan or approach you choose for piecing, you have to keep at it. Forever. (Which we were probably supposed to do in our m's anyhow).
And you cannot hold the A over her head like the sword of Damocles, or throw it in her face every time she fails at something b/c hey, we are flawed humans. It really has to be dropped by you.

But If you mean you feel like saying, "W, I now realize I'll never see you in the light I want to see my wife in, no matter what you do. We must divorce",

just know you are then the WAS. Know that you are arguably simply not forgiving her, b/c hey, it's really hard.

Is that^^ viewpoint okay with you?

(Yes, I'm aware there's another viewpoint, I just wanted to check you on this one).

With time you can "get over" a cheating spouse but things will never really be the same. We'll tell you they will be to keep hope alive for you but the reality is it isn't. It'll never be the same once one of the spouses cheats. They're forever tainted because they violated their vows. Some choose to stay anyway and live with the tainted R. I did....for the time being at least.

[180Man]

I hesitate to post on a lot of other people's threads because (1) I've only been married 8 years and (2) I've only been DBing for a relatively short time and barely know wtf I'm doing. That said...I don't want to see you fall toward hatred. Hatred is a strong thing.

“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”
― Booker T. Washington

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
-Yoda

Just sayin'...