Thanks for the kind words Cristy. Right now, that's what I really am focused on: being the best me I can be, and making sure our little girl has the best possible life.
Leahsue, I agree with you: I wish none of us had to be here. I'm doing my best to read and reply to other threads. It always amazes me how easy it is to see the "truth" in someone else's situation, yet difficult to understand your own.
I had a good day today. Made appointment with lawyer for next week for consultation. W actually had wanted to come with me to lawyer (we discussed doing this uncontested/agreed divorce) and when I explained that the lawyer rejected this idea due to conflict of interest (can't represent us both) she got upset, worried that I was out to screw her.
Work went well, and last night my daughter if we could go out to dinner and ice cream. I'm trying to keep my relationships with my in-laws (they're good people and I love them) so I invited MIL and niece to come with us. We had a good evening.
Backslid later this evening. Asked for MC. Said I had to make the offer one last time. I still plan on visiting the lawyer next week. Kaizen is right that I'm wishy washy and probably don't need a divorce, but I really don't see much in the way of alternative.
Backslid later this evening. Asked for MC. Said I had to make the offer one last time. I still plan on visiting the lawyer next week. Kaizen is right that I'm wishy washy and probably don't need a divorce, but I really don't see much in the way of alternative.
So what are you expecting to gain from being divorced? What do you expect it to change?
I think going to see a lawyer is a great idea; however. I remember being terrified of what I thought divorce would mean; me alone in a dark lit apartment, while my ex and the AP were in my house with the kids. But I learned about what the financial and custodial split would be and it made me more confident and less desperate to avoid the 'worst case scenario'. As Cadet says, knowledge is power, and you can never arm yourself with too much knowledge.
But please consider my questions above. What would be different if you were DIVORCED right now? Are there other ways you could achieve a similar outcome?
I've actually thought about this. I really don't WANT a divorce. I don't want my wife to not be my wife anymore. I don't want the three of us not to be a family anymore. The truth is, though, and this will sound bizarre, I see divorce as a measure of stability and security.
Divorce is actually LESS scary than the present situation of minimal contact, of feeling the situation with our child could change at any time, of continuing to financially support my wife while she goes off and lives her own life. The further truth is that I don't want to be married to a woman that doesn't love me. That doesn't respect me. That doesn't want me. What is my upside there? The hope that, someday, she MIGHT decide to come home? Maybe I'm still just her safety net if or when that happens, and she's just choosing to use it.
I don't know how to get to that place of stability without divorce. I NEED structure. To be able to plan. To TRUST that the plans I'm making can be guided to fruition. To know that I'm not supporting someone who doesn't want me for the indefinite future. To know that one day my wife isn't going to show up at school, take our daughter, and tell me that she's now going to have her day to day while I see her on the weekend. Knowing that if I fight that, the one who will truly suffer is an innocent six year old girl that I swore to love, guide, and protect.
When I'm honest with myself, I also want the freedom to see what else is out there. To be able to LET GO of these feelings that I have, that I hold on to because I don't want her to one (imaginary) day find that she wants me after all, and find myself not wanting her.
I don't know how to do any of that in a framework that doesn't involve divorce. If I had SOME hope? I could do it, I think. It's why I offered MC one last time. I have no illusions this ends quickly no matter WHAT I do. I would expect MC to go on for weeks or even months before I felt comfortable even letting her back into the house. But I could put the work in if I had HOPE.
As it stands right now, I have none. At that point, what's left?
Hope is a prison. It locks you down and has you doing things for an alternative purpose. This ends up causing them to seem fake to your W because ultimately you're doing them to save the M and not for you.
Focus on you, your daughter and making that relationship most important right now. Do something fun for yourself. Try to distract yourself from your sitch. I know this is difficult to do, but it helps tremendously.
Nobody knows what your W will do except her and sounds like she probably doesn't even know. You can't worry about it because you have no control. The sooner you focus on this the better you will become.
Wish you luck, EastTN.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I don't know how to get to that place of stability without divorce. I NEED structure. To be able to plan. To TRUST that the plans I'm making can be guided to fruition. To know that I'm not supporting someone who doesn't want me for the indefinite future. To know that one day my wife isn't going to show up at school, take our daughter, and tell me that she's now going to have her day to day while I see her on the weekend. Knowing that if I fight that, the one who will truly suffer is an innocent six year old girl that I swore to love, guide, and protect.
I agree that you need some kind of agreement in place. If it's your divorce decree, then so be it. But with a kid involved, I think financial and custodial agreements need to be in place so that there isnt this day to day fear. My ex and I had a separation agreement that was in effect for a few months before a divorce decree was issued. I wonder if such a document could be drafted by your lawyer(s)? Not necessarily as a precursor for divorce, but to get it in writing so that theres no 'funny business'.
That said, why are you relying on your relationship for your wife for you to have stability? Now is a great time to build your OWN stability in your life. To go out ad make new friends and start new hobbies and fill your calendar with all kinds of fun and exciting stuff. Live your life as if your W is not going to come home.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
When I'm honest with myself, I also want the freedom to see what else is out there. To be able to LET GO of these feelings that I have, that I hold on to because I don't want her to one (imaginary) day find that she wants me after all, and find myself not wanting her.
Honestly, I see that this is almost always the answer. Men on here want to divorce to feel free to 'play the field' again. To me, this looks like trying to lose your feelings for your STBX by putting them in to a new relationship with someone else. To use the new flame to snuff out the old one. Answer me this, if you were divorced right this second and started seeing someone new, how would you react if your W admitted fault, agreed to all of your terms and wanted to come back?To me, until that answer is to tell her to get in line, then theres no reason to be bringing anyone else into this. I believe you need to detach from your W first by yourself so that you can give what is needed to any new R.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
If I had SOME hope? I could do it, I think. It's why I offered MC one last time. I have no illusions this ends quickly no matter WHAT I do. I would expect MC to go on for weeks or even months before I felt comfortable even letting her back into the house. But I could put the work in if I had HOPE.
Thats your choice to feel a lack of hope. Even if the odds are one in a million, SOMEONE is that one. Could it be you? I dont see why not. As MWD writes, when youre putting, you dont need to aim for the hole 30 ft away, you need to aim for a spot 5 ft away that you think you will lead the ball to the hole. So - your focus should be on your goals to move the ball 5 ft - let the long term stuff play out when it plays out.
Thanks for the kind words, Tryin (and the honest ones too). I appreciate what you're saying about hope. I guess I really hadn't looked at it that way.
My relationship with my daughter is great, and it's what I'm pouring most of my energy into. When W first moved out, I sent a note to school explaining what was going on (in the simplest terms) and to let me know if D's behavior changed. I got a note home a week and a half later that broke my heart. She had regressed, couldn't read sight words that she'd had down for months, cried at the drop of a hat, didn't do her desk work because she was distracted all the time, etc. I got her on a good schedule, we did the full list of sight words EVERY night, worked on her reading, got After School involved in her homework, etc. Last week was report cards / parent teacher conference, and I got a glowing review. Complete turnaround. I've never been prouder of anything in my whole life.
I AM trying to do things for myself. This is a bit complicated by the fact that I don't know what to do. It's funny, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to "have fun" by myself. What most people do for fun just plain ISN'T fun for me. The places most people socialize (bars / church) just don't work for me. I'm working on fixing that, weekends are just too damn long otherwise.
I went by the airport a week or so ago to look at what it would take to get current again. I haven't flown in years, but I'm really looking forward to taking my little girl up once I'm ready to. Waiting on FAA changes coming in May before I can really start that, though, since my medical is expired.
House is still a disaster, I really can't clean because it's still full of W's stuff. That problem should go away in the next couple of weeks. Only room in the house that's really clean is D's room, because I make sure she has HER space where she can play and be a kid. When W moved out, I swapped D's room with the guest room (note to all: moving two rooms worth of furniture by yourself is a WORKOUT) because it gave her more room.
I've lost 48 pounds since bomb drop, which is also something I'm proud of. It's not depression weight loss, it's carefully managed food intake.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
No problem EastTN. My take on hope helped me detached and gave me more peace in daily life than when I was in hope mode.
That is awesome about you and your R with your daughter. Keep that up. It helps focus on the right things.
Preaching to the choir as I definitely lost a sense of self over the last few years. It's hard to think about what you like to do when you're consumed with anger, fear, sadness, combo. The more you do the more it comes back to you. Soon enough you're just doing to do.
Flying sounds like fun and a great experience with your D.
House stuff I find to be a little theraputic. I try to ignore what stuff is hers and just focus on cleaning the house. It's a little bit of my "little engine could" boost in that even though this sitch is for the birds I am better than it.
48 lbs... care to take some of mine??? That's awesome. I've also dropped some so far and excited about that. I'm happy to say too it's not depression weight loss. Typically, I am a stress eater so you'd think I'd be up 48 lbs, but I'm keeping it all in check and better for it.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
WRT to an agreement, I am pretty sure that would not be acceptable to W as a temporary measure. I'll talk to lawyer about this next week, though, and get his take. As far as our relationship giving us structure, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying our relationship is PREVENTING structure. I'm not a control freak, I don't want or need to control other people, but I NEED to control myself. I NEED to have a plan A, B, C, and D through Z just for good measure. I can't function properly without the surety of ALWAYS KNOWING what to do, because I've planned for it. It's like the pentagon having a file on what to do in case of Zombie Apocalypse. Yeah, they know it's never going to happen... but they've still got the file so they know what to do if it does. The end of this relationship is something I never planned for. Now that I'm here, I have a desperate need to plan my way out of this box I'm in. GAL, etc are a part of that planning, but "finance" and "child care" are the keystones. Nothing I do will be correct if those aren't accounted for.
With regard to "finding someone new" that's really not my intent. I'd just like to be able to have dinner with someone of the opposite sex without feeling like a cheater. That said... I've lived that scenario already. W was the new flame, and previous W (we were separated not divorced) did her level best to destroy it. I repeatedly pushed her away, and that just made her double down and come back harder. She wore me down, and I agreed to what she wanted (only to later find out it was another con). I had to admit what I had done. I couldn't imagine NOT admitting it. And then I walked away from my new relationship for exactly the reason you hint at: it simply wasn't fair for me to be doing what I was doing. That was the second worst day of my life (even worse than the ILYBNILWY speech).
I remember when I left, being told "you can't leave me, because that means you're leaving both of us." I got free of (first wife) and went back a few days later.
When I got the ILYBNILWY speech, I had a lot of anger for that reason... that someone that had played that card was now leaving me. I had come back to both of them, given everything I had to give to them, and now she was leaving. I realize that's not how it works, that we do what we need to do for ourselves, that it is unreasonable to expect someone to be loyal to you because you were loyal to them even if they're miserable. But it doesn't make it hurt any less, or take the anger away.
For the rest... thanks for the metaphor of moving the ball. I'll think about that one, it's a good metaphor. To continue it, I'm the kind of person that's planning what to do on the 14th tee before I've even left the clubhouse. That might be something I have to change, though I really don't know how to yet.
I'm positive about the EA though she refuses to admit it. Even giving her the benefit of the doubt only gets to "she just doesn't see it" so not much help there. I'm less positive about the PA. Though I keep adding 2+2 and getting 4, I don't have any proof. For sake of argument though, yes, I believe that she cheated on me.
I'm guessing you're in the "run, don't walk" camp?
