Wife left two days before our anniversary! Part 2

[jbroken]

Friends,

Just wanted to get your thoughts and experience on D proceedings. I presume it usually the party that wants out that will serve the papers? How long do they usually wait before doing so?

For my sitch, I'm wondering why she hasn't as yet considering how badly she wants it. Sometimes, I also feel like I'm being baited or conditions are being created for me to move to file first.

[Vapo]

It varies wildly. It is best not to preoccupy yourself with it. She might file, she might not. You just take care you do not get railroaded. If she takes ANY legal action, do consult a lawyer. It is VITAL you get proper and timely legal advice. Do not sign or agree to anything on the spur of the moment. DO NOT RELY on her to play fair, remember, she feels entitled for all the "horror" she "endured" in the marriage so she will likely try to get what she can. Protect your assets, make sure that she cannot withdraw any money from joint accounts without your consent (set it up with the bank). If you have your salary going into the joint account, divert it to a new account that is your alone. Also do not take money from the joint accounts as it might paint you in an unfavorable picture in any possible divorce proceedings. But do protect yourself. Do check with the lawyer about changing the locks and garage codes.

It is a time for cool heads.

And yes, you are being baited. The reason is really very obvious. She wants you to make the first move, so she can continue to "be the victim". The bad old Jbroken filed on the poor innocent defenseless maiden.

Resist the urge to draw first.

[jbroken]

Vapo, I hear you loud and clear on this front. My W took almost everything of value before she left - whatever she felt she was entitled to, including our small art collection and silverware. Even our wedding pictures are gone - though I suspect this may be only to get the silver frames! She took all the jewellery I've bought her over the years that was kept at home and I'm also certain she has cleaned out all the jewellery in our security deposit box - worth a substantial sum. To top this all off, I took a $50,000 personal loan to support her business - which I'm liable to pay off - I'm still paying it.

It just makes me laugh how someone who claims to love you or even loved you once for that matter is capable of all this.

[Dawgs]

You let her take it all?

[jbroken]

Jeep74, you won't believe me if I tell you. Our silverware was moved prior a month prior to the separation - when I asked her about it, she said 'I moved it to storage to make space for all my work paperwork that you always nag me about.' I was suspicious but, backed off. The day she was leaving for our separation, she took the jewellery at home (including her engagement ring, wedding band, earrings and necklace). Again, when I asked her about it, she said 'when I come back, you can propose to me and put all this on me again.' Our security deposit box used to be jointly in both our names but when it we moved to another location a couple of years ago it was put under her name only with one key. I asked a few times to have my name included and get another key but some how or the other it didn't happen. In any case, even if it was and I did have another key it wouldn't stop her from gaining access and taking whatever she pleased without my knowledge. I don't know if she has cleared it out but, I can presume so based how the sitch has turned out so far.

Everything else that was taken on the day was packed away and moved before I got home from work. I was in such a state of shock that I was unable to stop or question her on it.

What a fool for love I have been sir. What a fool.

[doodler]

What a fool for love I have been sir. What a fool.

jbroken,

Don't be too hard on yourself; we've all done similar things. As your fog begins to clear, it'll become easier to see through the nonsense.

[jbroken]

Thanks Doodler, I appreciate that. It just feels like she has done everything to ensure she kills my love for her. I'm finding it very extremely difficult to not let my heart harden towards her. Extremely difficult.

[leahsue]

Hey J,
I second what Doodler said. Don't beat yourself up. Talk to yourself like you would talk to me or other friends on here. You owe yourself the same kindness. All of us have been played one way or another and it doesn't feel good. But the spouses are the fools, not us. BIG HUG.

[doodler]

I'm finding it very extremely difficult to not let my heart harden towards her. Extremely difficult.

jbroken,

Those are valid emotions; she's hurt you. You can use those emotions to help you focus on yourself.

[Bdog37]

Hey jbroken,

Sorry to hear all this and I know exactly how you feel. My STBEW did much of the same and even more.

Not sure how it works in the UK, but I was able to get some good legal advice prior to most of all this going down. I took before/after pictures of our possessions, prior to her taking stuff, and hired a good attorney who advised me that she had no right to do so and will fight for what I want back. In regards to all the bank accounts she closed there are definitely records of every transaction so I am also not worried about that. Here in the US, in most cases, marital property is divided evenly by our court system if the parties cannot reach an agreement.

If I were you, I would start taking proper precautions in order to protect myself. If it comes to D you want to be prepared. I know you don't want a D, but maybe you should seek legal advice on what you can start doing at this point in order to minimize the damage.

The business loan that you are paying, the bills that you are paying that are in both your names, all marital properties, possessions, retirements, any stocks, other assets, current or future debts, are all things that you should be considering. Seek legal advice before it becomes too late. You can do all of this and still work on DBing. Don't discuss any of it with her, but you should at least consult someone in case she does file.

What a fool for love I have been sir. What a fool.

^^^ I hear you there.