First time here

[Dawgs]

25years and Jeep,
You are both so awesome. I love reading everything you write, of course on my own thread, but everywhere you go on here, you spread hope and encouragement. What a gift!

Thank you, ma'am. You are doing a great job! You more than have this!

[leahsue]

Well a bit of kick in the teeth.... UGH.
H just called and has had to postpone his visit. They changed the date of his office move from May 1st back to April 21, so his plan to come here April 12-20 has to move also. He sounded really disappointed and I believe he truly is, but I kept it very DB- which was harder than I thought b/c I don't think I realized how much I was looking forward to seeing him. Which may be a very good thing that it moved, considering that. I think I said all the right things and did not make it about me- acted AS IF it was fine either way for me, but when I got off the phone the dam burst and I just cried and cried. Such a letdown to think now it will be at least another month before I even see him. I'm fighting the urge to not answer my phone when he calls next, or to say things that are purely motivated out of my desire for reassurance, which I already know I won't get. I know that's not the DB way. But OH I HATE THIS. Oh well, more time to be working on me, I guess. Just needed to vent for a minute. Hope everyone is having a good Friday. Tomorrow is APRIL FOOL'S DAY, for all the fools out there who are letting us slip away.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Tomorrow is APRIL FOOL'S DAY, for all the fools out there who are letting us slip away.

Leahsue - Sorry you're not getting the visit and that it was hard on you. Thank you for the April Fool's Day comment above. Made my day!! Hope you have the best weekend ever!!

[leahsue]

25mlc,
I AM HAVING A HARD TIME TONIGHT. If you're here, please give me some positive self-talk. I feel so sad. Like I want to give up and just either live here in this amazing house, alone, and give him up, or keep thinking this MAY work out. If he were on this board, this is what I would say~ Go To He$$. I am so tired of this. Let's just call this now, and you won't even have to "work" at trying to love me anymore. Someone else will love love love me, someday, and they will be one lucky SOB. Thank God for this place I can vent, b/c I will not stoop to this BS with him. I am a HOT MESS and I don't deny it. So much for "rockin it". HA.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Leahsue,

I hope you got a good night's rest. The hope or thoughts of it working out with y'all together can weigh you down so quickly. It's a daily fight and sometimes an hourly fight to not do that.

It's totally ok that you do this. We all do it. We all think about what we could have done differently in the past now that we see things clearer. We are all concerned about what the future holds with this BS cloud flying over us. But...

The beautiful thing is now is the only thing we can do. The present... today... enjoy it. I know it's not the weekend you planned, so now what will you make of it. The Leahsue I've read on here will be rockin it this weekend.

I wish you the best to have a great day TODAY.

Trying

[leahsue]

tryin2figure,
Thank you for the swift kick in the pants that I needed this morning!!! When I read your post, I thought, you know what, you gotta get yourself up and back in the saddle. So I did! I went and bought flowers and shrubs, worked in the yard all day, and had like 6 different people stop by and chat, some I already knew, but some new faces too. So tonight I am tired but happy that it was both a productive day, as well as a fun one. Not quite back to rockin it, but hey, closer than yesterday.
Confession time. I know I should not have allowed this to continue, but since the BD I have still shared an Uber account with my H. Which means he pays for it (which is nice although I don't use it much here in the south) but it also means I get an alert on my phone when either I call for one, he calls for one, or his 19 year old daughter calls for one- all on the same account. I've tried to create my own account by deleting the app and re-loading it, but it still would come up under his name. No big deal. He mostly uses it in NYC during work hours, and unless I deliberately go into the app and look at Your Trips, I don't even know. But if I happen to have my phone right by, I hear the alert and I can actually see the car picking him up, and where he's going, etc.
THIS MORNING at 7am I am asleep and the alert goes off, Your Uber is on its way. (In NYC.) Well, who the he$$ needs an Uber to get home that time of day, unless it's been a very wild night. It made me sick. Before anyone says anything, I ALREADY KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS- smile- but I texted him and said- "Your Uber is on the way." He texted right back and said- Thanks, I'll let daughter know.
Well, whether it was H or D, I don't really care. It is bad on several levels, no matter who it was. But NONE OF MY BUSINESS. The more I've thought about it today, the madder it makes me. Reminds me that I ASSUME (and you know what that makes ME) he is not seeing someone or sleeping at other peoples' places, but in fact, I have no idea where he goes or with whom. I realize none of this would matter, except he calls every day, and appears to be wanting to re-build some kind of future with me. He called about noon but I just did not want to talk to him. I feel like life is passing me by, while I GAL and all that, I know, but I feel almost ready to just say to him, you know what? Don't call me for a while, I need to think about what I WANT, for a change. And I'm not sure it's him anymore. I figured out the reason the Uber account won't go away is b/c it is saved in my icloud. Going now to figure out how to delete from there. I really don't want to know where either of them goes, much less see it in real time.

[PsySara]

I think you did okay considering. I see a lot of positive steps here, you working on your yard and engaging in chats with new friends. You are starting to get spunky and think about placing boundaries. Keep up the mask when engaged with your H, eventually the mask becomes the actual face. I watch The Tudors a lot to see grace and dignity when Catherine of Aragon is being portrayed. Silly but effective for me.

[leahsue]

Hi Sara,
By keep up the mask with H, can you be more specific? I think this is where I may be slipping if I let him know I am feeling really tired of all this.
Also, I'll check out The Tudors. I'm watching Reign right now, and Mary, Queen of Scots is also a woman of grace and dignity.

[PsySara]

Keeping the mask in place is showing a warm, happy, gentle and retiring person. I look at it this way, WH doesn't deserve to see my more vulnerable side yet. I get the fatigue, honestly I do. But letting them see your anger (which is really just a cover for sadness and pain) ends up making you lose all the ground you have gained.

So look confident, gracious and assured. This is attractive and "acting as if" usually becomes the reality. Like me you are waiting on some sort of dramatic change and this is counter to DBing. You are becoming a better you for the sheer sake of self improvement. Stop setting expectations because it will result in resentment. Easily said, extremely hard to do.

[leahsue]

Now that makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to help me work through this very hard day. I have so much admiration for you, and for your sheer determination and stamina. To quote one of my favorite people- Glennon Melton- WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.