Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
jbroken,
Wise words from Sunmoon! Take them to heart. You still have so long to go to make it where you feel as if your knees aren't about to buckle with each step, but you are getting there. It took me several virtual hammers before I could even see straight, and even then I didn't want to see her for what she really is.
It's OK to mourn the loss of the marriage. And its OK to love the OLD wife. Where things get crazy is when we obsess over things. Really, there isn't anything we can do - there isn't a single action that we can do that would make someone come back. After all, would you REALLY want that? Would you really want someone to come back as a result of something you said/did over truly wanting it on their own?
You have a road ahead of you that's paved with gold - while you may not see it because of your mindset, its there. You have a blessed future ahead of you. That's all you need to know. There is nothing else you can do, or should, but work on yourself.
Sometimes things happen and the hand we are dealt isn't the one we wanted. Don't let this consume you - I've seen what happens and it isn't pretty. This is your time to shine now. I'm not going to hold your hand and blow pretty smoke, because that isn't what's needed. Take care of yourself for you and you only. The best thing to do? Act like she doesn't exist. At all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Ditto all of the above. YOU CAN DO THIS. Let her go. Start walking forward on the road built just for you. Not her road. She's put you out of the car. Get on your road in your OWN CAR and just one mile at a time. That's all. It didn't happen the way you would have chosen, but like someone above said, even if it had, you'd still be without her. It will get easier every single day. And no, you probably can't see this yet as a gift of time, but if you will follow the premise given in this school of thought, and begin to grow and expand your horizons to outside the pain of today, you will look back and be able to see it as a gift.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I wish that we had clapping emojis... But, sigh, we are behind the times. I'll just say, Bravo to you, ma'am!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jbroken, I have recently opened up to my cousin who just a few years back was left by her husband. no warning signs, just one day "I don't love you anymore" and gone. 2 kids together, the whole shot. she gave me some really good advice, she told me she literally took each day one hour at a time. she would tell herself..."okay, I just need to get through this next hour.." and so on. she said that it helps, tremendously. She is married again, and more happy than she was with her first husband. I have taken a few steps back today, as my brain wants to go back to that place of pain, upset, anger and fear. I know it's part of the process and I know that you too will have more bad than good days ahead, but like everyone has been telling us....it will get better. I am always here for you, we are both kind of in the same stages of this life situation and it helps to lean on one another, even if it is through a computer screen. I know this forum has helped me cope more so than if I never found it. try to see the life lessons you are learning from this experience- so far mine have been eye opening. a definite growing season for me. it's unfortunate that I have to possibly lose the love of my life and everything we have built together to have the lessons, but, it is what it is.
Going dark isn't a strategy to get her to come back. In my understanding, it does two main things:
1) It gives you the space you need to be able to grow and change. If you're in constant contact with W, then you will be focused on that. Instead, being dark, lets you have the opportunity to focus on yourself and rebuilding.
2) It forces you to stop pursuing. You cant very well pursue your W while you're dark, now can you?
So, basically, it provides an insulative bubble around you where you can begin to shape your life as you want. If she were to come back right now, you would be the same person and youd have the same relationship - which didn't work! So, now is the time to really focus on your life and what you want to make of it.
So, how about we work to set little goals for you? What would you like to accomplish this weekend?
Understood, thanks Kaizen. I wanted to focus on some pressing errands this weekend that have been pending since this sitch began. However, just got back from the doc's as I'm down with a bad case of the flu. So will be taking it easy so I can regain my strength. My copy of DR is here so will start reading it too.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
Thanks Sunmoon, I hear you loud and clear. But, I must admit, I can't seem to see any positives at the moment. I seem to be losing myself in all this. What has been said to me, about me, the way I've been treated and isolated in all this - I can't seem to stop seeing myself through her eyes! Keep questioning and doubting myself - was this a bad marriage, was I cause of it, did I really not listen, did I treat her badly, was I a bully, etc. I'm seeing myself as the culprit and cause of this sitch. Like I deserve. Plus, this isolation and being left with no-one is taking it's toll on me.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
Jbroken, SO SORRY to hear you have the flu!! That was me 2 weeks ago, and it did nothing to help my emotional well-being, that's for sure! Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, and get some rest. Try not to overthink your situation and pain while you're sick. Between naps and reading DB, find some good TV and marathon a series. That helped me escape while I was sick. After about the 3rd episode, I'd realize I hadn't even thought of my pain for at least an hour! (And BTW, I tell you this from personal experience, one cannot get bed sores from watching 12 episodes straight of Scandal. LOL) Feel better!!!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
It is very normal to see yourself through their eyes. It's haunting. BUT you have to remember, she is human too, she has faults, she is just choosing to highlight yours as to make you FEEL like you are the culprit. When H dropped the bomb two weeks ago, he named off everything that I had done to cause his lack of feeling toward me anymore- they all hurt, like knives, only because I knew I was guilty for most of them. however; some of the things he listed were reactions to what HE wasn't providing me as a husband. My love tank has been empty for a very, very long time, one would think your spouse would act out if that were the case. maybe nagging? maybe short temper?? yeah, I did all those things, and more. but all he wants to do is put the blame on me to make himself feel justified in his actions.
you have to get past that, Jbroken. I maybe wasn't the best wife to him all the time - but I am one darn amazing, loving, caring person that would do anything for anybody. I'm loyal, I'm trustworthy, I treated my husband like he was the only man in the world. but because he was negligent to provide what I needed in our relationship, the ugly side came out more and more and caused him to check out. again, not all my fault. not all your fault. It takes two.
