Man, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling - mine did the same thing. Just like I didn't exist. But you know something? That's OK now. Took me a while to see the light and I'm much better for it.
That's what I can't get over I guess - why this way? Why could she have not this amicably, with some compassion, respect - I spent twelve years with her - her best friend, lover, husband. Why would you want to hurt me and be so brutal? Isn't it sadistic? Like something is dead inside her.
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
As I told Sun, the sun will always rise. And so will you. You'll come out of this a much stronger jbroken...what other choice do you have? You have this, my friend. I'm here if you need me - and you know how to find me. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
Thanks Jeep74, you folks are literally all I have at the moment. That is the truth. It's like in three weeks I went back to zero. Perhaps, even in negative.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
On some level, I do agree with this. My feeling is that theres no harm done in leaving a door open for the WS to potentially walk back through later. The destructive behavior is sitting around waiting for that to happen.
In other words, lets say its a nice, sunny Sunday afternoon. Sitting in the living room all day staring at the open door, hoping the WS comes in is I think what you are describing. I agree, thats not healthy behavior. I would go so far as to say that staying home in the off chance that WS comes is also destructive. But, if you plan your day as you wish - maybe planting flowers, then going out for some lunch, and so on and so forth with the door open is OK.
However long you leave the door open is your choice. The key is to be able to leave the door open without focusing on whether or not she has walked through it.
Very well conveyed Kaizen. I find it very comforting at the moment.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I started today with a PMA but, have been slipping in and out of the abyss.
My W has literally taken my entire world with her - not a single common friend of ours has come forward to offer any sort of compassion. It's like she took a pair of scissors and just cut me out of my life. I made her my world and she took mine away with her. I guess I keep suddenly realising how alone I am at this very moment.
JBroken - That [censored], and I know the feeling all too well. What I learned was that happiness wasnt going to fall into my lap. If I was sad for a month and moped around and did nothing, I wasnt going to magically be happy after that. It was up to ME to take control of my own life and my own happiness. Nobody else was going to do it for me.
I will promise to you that if you put in the effort to GAL, you can rebuild a life for yourself. The less you focus on your sitch, the better you will be able to maintain your PMA. And the best way to take your focus of off your sitch is to put it into something else....like your GAL.
That's what I can't get over I guess - why this way? Why could she have not this amicably, with some compassion, respect - I spent twelve years with her - her best friend, lover, husband. Why would you want to hurt me and be so brutal? Isn't it sadistic? Like something is dead inside her.
Unfortunately, that's how it is. There is no easy way to answer these things. The truth is, well, brutal...but it must be faced.
My marriage made it 10 years. At least we got that far, right? I was in your position, until virtual hammers pounded some sense into my head. When they are determined to leave, they view us as holding them back - and the more we try to do just that, it makes them that much more bitter toward us. It is what it is, my friend.
You've been given the wonderful gift of time to make yourself the best jbroken you can be. And unfortunately, that's all you can do. Nothing else matters now.
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It's like in three weeks I went back to zero. Perhaps, even in negative.
I wish I could spare you the pain that we've all gone through. You haven't gone into the negative. You are just doing what every single one of us has done before - and some are still doing...and that is trying to hold onto a memory. The butterfly, my friend. Remember the butterfly.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
JBroken - That [censored], and I know the feeling all too well. What I learned was that happiness wasnt going to fall into my lap. If I was sad for a month and moped around and did nothing, I wasnt going to magically be happy after that. It was up to ME to take control of my own life and my own happiness. Nobody else was going to do it for me.
I will promise to you that if you put in the effort to GAL, you can rebuild a life for yourself. The less you focus on your sitch, the better you will be able to maintain your PMA. And the best way to take your focus of off your sitch is to put it into something else....like your GAL.
So, what are your plans?
At the moment, I am just trying to keep my chin-up after the repeated blows. Frankly speaking buddy, I'm just trying to function in my day to day routine.
It's approaching three weeks of GD - well, I keep up my activity on FB as normal - sending out positive vibes and happy thoughts into the big wide world. So she is perhaps watching but, who knows? And I don't think I should stop doing things I usually do. Nevertheless, I don't really know if the GD stratagem is working in my particular sitch. No way to tell either. Is there?
My copy of DR is dispatched and should arrive today. So I hoping to get to that tonight after work.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
JBroken - That [censored], and I know the feeling all too well. What I learned was that happiness wasnt going to fall into my lap. If I was sad for a month and moped around and did nothing, I wasnt going to magically be happy after that. It was up to ME to take control of my own life and my own happiness. Nobody else was going to do it for me.
I will promise to you that if you put in the effort to GAL, you can rebuild a life for yourself. The less you focus on your sitch, the better you will be able to maintain your PMA. And the best way to take your focus of off your sitch is to put it into something else....like your GAL.
So, what are your plans?
At the moment, I am just trying to keep my chin-up after the repeated blows. Frankly speaking buddy, I'm just trying to function in my day to day routine.
I don't really know if the GD stratagem is working in my particular sitch. No way to tell either.
Going dark isnt a strategy to get her to come back. In my understanding, it does two main things:
1) It gives you the space you need to be able to grow and change. If youre in constant contact with W, then you will be focused on that. Instead, being dark, lets you have the opportunity to focus on yourself and rebuilding.
2) It forces you to stop pursuing. You cant very well pursue your W while youre dark, now can you?
So, basically, it provides an insulative bubble around you where you can begin to shape your life as you want. If she were to come back right now, you would be the same person and youd have the same relationship - which didnt work! So, now is the time to really focus on your life and what you want to make of it.
So, how about we work to set little goals for you? What would you like to accomplish this weekend?
Unfortunately, that's how it is. There is no easy way to answer these things. The truth is, well, brutal...but it must be faced.
My marriage made it 10 years. At least we got that far, right? I was in your position, until virtual hammers pounded some sense into my head. When they are determined to leave, they view us as holding them back - and the more we try to do just that, it makes them that much more bitter toward us. It is what it is, my friend.
You've been given the wonderful gift of time to make yourself the best jbroken you can be. And unfortunately, that's all you can do. Nothing else matters now.
I have let her go. But, the silence is deafening and the limbo unbearable. I everyone here says 'time is a gift' but is it really? I'm finding it a bit hard to see it that way.
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
I wish I could spare you the pain that we've all gone through. You haven't gone into the negative. You are just doing what every single one of us has done before - and some are still doing...and that is trying to hold onto a memory. The butterfly, my friend. Remember the butterfly.
I don't feel like I'm holding on to a memory. I know that IF, and that's a big IF, we were ever to reconcile, our marriage would have to be different. I would have to be different. She would have to be different. We would have to different. Take the good into the future. And leave the bad behind in the past. That's what I have said throughout the separation and continued to say up until the minute she walked out the door. She doesn't want a future with me. She has no faith in us. And that's what I can't wrap my head around. And to top it off, how brutally this has been done by her and her family. The scheming, planning, lying - why not just come out and look me in the eye and say 'I don't love you anymore.' It would have been an unbearable pain. But, I would have walked away. Perhaps, we would have parted as amicably. But, this way.
Me:35 W:35 M:5 T:7 NO KIDS S: 3rd Nov 2016 to 4th Feb 2017 BD: 7th Mar 2017 GD: 6 weeks
I know that IF, and that's a big IF, we were ever to reconcile, our marriage would have to be different. I would have to be different. She would have to be different. We would have to different. Take the good into the future. And leave the bad behind in the past. That's what I have said throughout the separation and continued to say up until the minute she walked out the door.
Lots of words...........
Where is the action on your end to suggest it would be different? How are you different now?
I have let her go. But, the silence is deafening and the limbo unbearable. I everyone here says 'time is a gift' but is it really? I'm finding it a bit hard to see it that way.
Time is most definitely a gift. Its how you use it that's important. You can either sit and wallow in pity or become the best you can. Which is more attractive?
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I don't feel like I'm holding on to a memory. I know that IF, and that's a big IF, we were ever to reconcile, our marriage would have to be different. I would have to be different. She would have to be different. We would have to different. Take the good into the future. And leave the bad behind in the past.
First and foremost, if you to were to ever reconcile it would most certainly have to be a brand-new union because the old one is dead and buried and no retrieving it. Can it come back? Sure, but it won't be the same. Ever.
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She doesn't want a future with me. She has no faith in us. And that's what I can't wrap my head around. And to top it off, how brutally this has been done by her and her family. The scheming, planning, lying - why not just come out and look me in the eye and say 'I don't love you anymore.' It would have been an unbearable pain. But, I would have walked away. Perhaps, we would have parted as amicably. But, this way.
No, she doesn't. Now what are you going to do? You'll find that the scheming, lying, etc., to be a common theme. Mine planned for months - researched shite and everything. MONTHS. And I was not aware of even a problem. Blood is always thicker than water...remember that.
It doesn't matter the hows or whys she did it, SHE DID IT. Nothing else can be said after that. Even if she had done it the way you wanted, you'd still be in the same place you are now - asking why, begging God, etc. It wouldn't have changed the outcome had it been done any differently.
The thing is, you've done all you can to the best of your ability and knowledge. You can't be faulted for that. Sometimes they just want out and don't know how to do it the way we want them to. They do things their own way.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jbroken, what has helped me is remembering that I am an amazing woman that could make another man so happy someday. I have thought of all of my positive qualities that H is apparently taking for granted. I know what he wants: he wants a woman that is sports crazy like him, that will go out with his "buddies" and drink, crack nasty jokes all day long and not be so needy. He basically wants someone to [censored] all day long and be "one of the guys". He has clearly shown me he knows nothing about marriage, and what it takes to stay happy in the marriage. He doesn't want to fix his end, because that would require work, and he just wants it thrown into his lap. NOPE.
I have grown so much in the last 2 years of my life, I have become so spiritual and I see the world completely different, I have become somewhat of an activist for positive change in the world. I listen to music that has meaning, I read books that help me grow- he sits on the couch and follows hollywood and facebook all day. He doesn't want a woman like me. I think it might make him feel inferior?
Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
