Status Unknown

[MoveFrwd]

I guess I will work on detaching and GAL, although I struggle with the GAL because that means time away from my son, which I don't know that I am willing to give up. He needs me, especially now.

You know what they say on an airplane....secure your oxygen mask before assisting others.

I get that he needs you, and Im not suggesting that you ignore your son. Now is the time to be the best dad ever.

However, you arent of any use to him long term if you dont get yourself healthy too. A night out a week, for example, to start a new hobby isnt "giving up" time with your son and wont hurt him.

[LW2381]

Kaizen-

Thanks, you are exactly right. That's something I am starting to see as necessary, and will work towards that. Thanks again-

[LW2381]

Journaling:

Last night was good...hung out with S while W worked. When she got home, we were pleasant with each other. It is all still so awkward, I'm just trying to give her space to work through her emotions. Now I'm struggling with the idea that I am so willing to fight for someone who I am not even sure wants to fight for me...

[doodler]

Now I'm struggling with the idea that I am so willing to fight for someone who I am not even sure wants to fight for me...

LW2381,

I think that happens to most of us. Once our own fog begins to clear, we begin to use our brains again and start to question if the spouse is worth the fight. I think it's a good thing.

[Dawgs]

Now I'm struggling with the idea that I am so willing to fight for someone who I am not even sure wants to fight for me...

Hmmm. A corner is being turned.

[Gordie]

LW2381,

I just read through your thread and have a few thoughts for you:

1. Looking back on the first months of my situation, I can see now that I was a complete and utter emotional mess. This is not attractive at all. You still sound pretty emotional, which is normal. Do what you have to do for yourself to get to a better place. Get the support you need. Vent your feelings to a confidante who is not your W, don't stuff them.

2. You need to avoid the R talks and like Sandi says, when your W initiates them, your job is to just LISTEN. Make eye contact, make your W know that you are listening, but don't feel like you need to defend yourself, make counterpoints, or express your feelings "I can't live like this much longer"... There may be a time for that in the future, but it is not now. You're too emotional and the situation is too fragile, so the most important thing is that your W feels like you are listening.

3. Your W is an emotional roller coaster right now. Everyone here says detach, detach, detach. This is very hard to do and as someone who struggled with it...here's what I learned. My W's crazy ups and downs were controlling MY feelings. W was happy, then I was happy. W was angry, then I was sad. Work on stopping this dynamic. Your W is going to treat you like doggy doo some days...don't get down...be steady. Other days, W will want to be close to you...don't get too excited...be steady.

[LW2381]

Gordie,

Thanks for all of your insights.

1. You are exactly right, I have been an emotional mess, and still find myself there some days. Not as many, but some. I have been venting to a good friend, and IC, bc stuffing my emotions may have helped lead up to this problem.

2. I tried the "I can't live like this much longer" talk several times, and was not even really sure if I meant it, but was really hoping just for some emotion from her. Instead, I saw a cold, dark, emptiness in her eyes I haven't seen before. I really made me sad for her. Per Sandi's instruction I have stopped all R talks and will wait for her to initiate (if that even happens). At this point, she may just be biding her time until she can walk. If so, so be it. I will be fine.

3. I have absolutely ridden that roller coaster with her, just like you said. Even now, I still find myself sometimes feeding on her emotion. "Be steady" is the best use of words I have heard, and can feel myself starting to level out a little every day. Still a lot of triggers though.

I keep telling myself this is a marathon that has just begun, biggest problem is I have always been a fixer that needs to fix things NOW (another possible reason I am here.).

Thanks again for reading and for your input into my sitch.

[Dawgs]

What are your hobbies?

[LW2381]

Jeep-

Currently golf and running, but fixing to ramp up with Crossfit again also. I have also always been passionate about cooking, so I may look into classes for that as well.

Hobbies have always been tough for me because I run a large company (I have never neglected my family for this) and so when I am home, I have always tried to devote all of my time to my W and S. That has never really left a lot of time for me. I am absolutely not complaining bc I find more joy in being with them than any hobby I could ever have.

However, now that the situation has changed, I am going to make some time for ME. I can only work on me, and I see this is a big part of it.

Thx-

[sandi2]

I am posting a copy from a former board member. The first time I saw it was when 25mlc passed it forward. I really like this explanation of BD detaching.....it is a shorter version. I hope it will help.


Detaching is not you punishing her.

Here is a shorter version of what DB detaching is and is not.

*****************************************************

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.