Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Gordie]

I love your patience and perseverance.

[Chris73]

Journaling my thoughts for a Tuesday morning.

Staying busy:

Weekly and bi-weekly music gigs
Training for 8K on 4/30
Monthly movie podcast
S8 Flag Football begins on Saturday (I'm assistant coach!)
Volunteering to help with RE classes at church
Six Flags opens April 1st (we have season passes)

Last week S8 and I went skiing. It was the PERFECT day. The mountain had just gotten about 18" of new snow 2 days before we went. We stayed at a resort that had a huge indoor waterpark. So it was 48+ hours of father/son bonding... and we BOTH needed it!

As far as my W goes, not much has changed. There have been no more R discussions since she told me she wanted to move forward with separation last week. I have an appt on Friday to get some legal advice.

I'm still making every attempt to reconnect with my W and she's been a bit more obstinate lately. I haven't pursued her romantically in any way, just friendly conversations, being helpful, and occasionally asking for us to do fun things together (to which she almost always rejects me).

I know that she's very aware of the changes I've been making and I'm sure this is causing a conflict for her. Not only am I starting to resemble that guy she fell in love with 12 years ago, but I'm actually improving way beyond that guy. And I can only imagine how this must make her feel:

"Why didn't he do this before? Why does it take the threat of divorce for him to make these changes? These changes will never stick, he'll revert back to his old ways eventually. He's just trying to manipulate me."

Unfortunately, no amount of discussion will help with this. The only way I can resolve these issues in her mind is to be consistent. And of course, the irony is that the more consistent I am with my new behaviors, the less I care if she notices, and the more I feel as if I am making these changes for myself.

When I first came to these boards and read about "detachment" I thought I understood what it meant. But in reality, I wasn't ready to detach. And frankly, I'm still not all the way there. But I'm starting to understand it more.

[doodler]

And I can only imagine how this must make her feel:

"Why didn't he do this before? Why does it take the threat of divorce for him to make these changes? These changes will never stick, he'll revert back to his old ways eventually. He's just trying to manipulate me."

Or maybe, "I hate it when Chris kisses my @ss. I can't wait to see OM2."

Mind reading is a terrible thing.

[Tryin2figuritout]

"Why didn't he do this before? Why does it take the threat of divorce for him to make these changes? These changes will never stick, he'll revert back to his old ways eventually. He's just trying to manipulate me."

Nail on the head. It is just not that easy as we all contribute into the eroding R. We all have our own path to get into these situations and our own paths out. Focusing on what you can control is what's important and that's being the best You.

[Gordie]

We stayed at a resort that had a huge indoor waterpark. So it was 48+ hours of father/son bonding... and we BOTH needed it!

GWL? My kids love it when I take them there. Sounds fun.

[Chris73]

GWL? My kids love it when I take them there. Sounds fun.

Hey Gordie, actually it was the mammal with 2 humps

We had a blast! I have videos of S8 and me bodyboarding on the FlowRider. Too fun. Can't wait to go back!

[Chris73]

My W finally came to her senses and has decided that taking the kids out of our home is a terrible idea. Of course the problem is that she still wants a separation and neither of us are budging on who will move out. We met with a mediator this morning who posed a third solution of "nesting" for 6 months: We sign a short term lease on a one-bedroom apartment and work out a schedule for who stays where throughout the week. Does anyone have experience with this "nesting" arrangement?

[Gordie]

Why the change in your W's thinking?

I have no experience with the nesting thing, but it looks like there are some around here who do...though it seems like it is a temporary solution...

[Chris73]

Hi Gordie. It's definitely a temporary situation. The mediator is also a psychologist with a specialty in family therapy. She is trying to approach the change in our family dynamic in very small steps so as to have as little impact on the kids as possible. She is also trying to impress upon my W that she should not be in any rush to dissolve the marriage when there is still an open path to reconciliation on the table.

So basically, the in-home separation hasn't changed my W's attitude and she wants more space between us. I have been unwavering in my stance of not leaving my home. So initially she posed the ultimatum of all three of them moving out. Which (obviously) had me in panic mode. When we sat down with the mediator today she said that she thinks uprooting the kids is a bad idea (...despite her fog, she's still thinking like a responsible parent most of the time), which of course put us back into a stalemate again. This is when the mediator suggested the "nesting" idea. I think the idea has some benefits but it also feels like I'm conceding...

[PacLove]

Chris - would you be able to stay in another shared apartment where your W is potentially seeing OM? I'd know I would personally have a tough time with that thought...

I know you don't want to disrupt the kids routine and I can appreciate that but at the same time why should you be disrupted? It's not your decision. Let her feel a bit of the impact/consequences of her decision.