New member, please help.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25yearsmic,
Thank you for your comments.

My warning my wife about many men on tinder is not supposed to be a threat but


advice at a time when I believe she may be vulnerable. I guess it would not be welcome anyway.

True. Besides, trying to fix her or her issues now is pointless b/c she's not here trying to save the m.

I believe you are right in what most women and my wife want and need.

well and she also told you. As hurtful as that^^ may feel, I hope you can see the silver lining, which is her clarity.


Since my wife first talked about divorce I have got work but it has been extended hard to earn reasonable money due to getting used to a new trade and being dragged down emotionally by the situation and the intense worry, especially when my wife has gone out for the night with someone.

I don't know what this^^ means. Are you working and earning enough to help out or provide for your family? Or are you saying you are too upset to do so?

And if you are too upset to provide, can you see how circular this^^ gets?

She resents that you don't contribute enough, but you're too upset to contribute much so....

there are at least 3 reasons Not to blame her for what you do.

1 - Because it does Not help you! It keeps you from taking responsibility for your life, which 2 - makes you powerless, and finally, I'm not sure it's fair anyhow.



From my wife's point of view, and actually what I was trying to achieve the marriage would include a husband that worked hard and earned enough for financial security.

Be Debt and worry free,


A loving relationship involving our children with laughter and good conversation,
working toward goals whatever they may be. Regular trips home and abroad,

Both with a zest for life.

Yes James, I agree that most people want ^^ this type of life.

James, what about the counseling? I hope you will see someone. I thought I read that you struggled with depression and anxiety, over the past years. There is no judgement in that comment, I'm just trying to recap what I thought I read here.

In these grueling painful ordeals, I find 2 "upsides" are possible. (But WE must grab and make these happen. No one else can do it for us.)

First, pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth...or bitterness and victimhood.

this^^ is our exclusively Our choice.

Second, the LBS has NO painless options.

So at some point, we have to decide whether our discomfort with change in ourselves, and not knowing where it could lead,

is worse than our discomfort staying stuck, and facing the ordeal we are in.


IF our changes and growth begin as being all about reconciliation with our spouses, hopefully it will change and become for US (Otherwise the "tactics" will end b/c they are not authentic change).

Yet the paradox is that by letting go of the results and solely focusing on what is in "our sandbox", i.e. OUR OWN issues and flaws that WE want to work on,

we become who we were meant to become and yes, that makes us more attractive to our spouses.

Sometimes we become the people we were meant to become and that is what they wanted, all along.

Hang in there James.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Yet the paradox is that by letting go of the results and solely focusing on what is in "our sandbox", i.e. OUR OWN issues and flaws that WE want to work on,

we become who we were meant to become and yes, that makes us more attractive to our spouses.

Sometimes we become the people we were meant to become and that is what they wanted, all along.

25 - This is beautiful stuff here. It's hard work keeping the focus on me and not think of we. It's a challenge every day that can be made easier with time especially when you are dedicated to improving yourself, GAL, etc. Thanks for this.

James - Hang in there and I wish you the best.

[James66]

Thank you 25, and to Sandi, vanilla and others that have given their support.
I'm sorry to leave replying so long, I've tried a few times but fallen asleep or been sidetracked.life is in turmoil a bit as I'm burning the candle at both ends.
25 it seems there was more than one man, I believe the one still seeing my wife has been around longer but I don't know by how much.

When we met my wife hadn't kissed another man and the exclusivity of her intimacy, love and our bonding means the world to me. I cannot describe the hurt I feel at her actions, the betrayal that I know about let alone the possibility of fornication. In my youth I didn't feel the need to marry in order to have a life partner but needed to for immigration purposes if we were to remain together. Something my wife desperately wanted.
I thought very carefully and took a chance on someone I had known only a about 6 months from a different country,religion and culture. but when I made that decision I meant it with all my heart and I envisioned us growing old together.

I don't believe I am frozen in indecision but cautious, trying to learn from those that have more knowledge and experience and trying not to make (more)mistakes that will damage the relationship.

Who are you referring to when you say talk to someone there ?

Earning more money to support the family is the most crucial thing to all this.

I am trying to act now.

I have started GAL doing something that has a martial and healing aspect and which is for life. I don't intend to stop again as long as I am breathing. (I did something similar before we met and reduced it until I stopped. Something I deeply regret).

More importantly I am working. I struggle to make reasonable money, especially recently due to unanticipated costs, tiredness, and health caused by the stress and worry my wife's actions are causing me.
I cannot just detach like cutting a piece of string because the string is attached to my heart and it keeps it beating.

Today I am able to write because I can't work due to migraine and pulled back muscles; more money lost.
But I am trying. But the money is poor when I can work and I really need to work constantly 6 or 7 days a week.

I plan to do a short 9 week course to get me into another profession. One which I will enjoy and can have reasonable pay. But this costs a few thousand unless I can study under someone already established which is unlikely. I intend to work at the same time but at the moment it is pie in the sky unless I can get on top of things and start making more money.

The therapist not only has to be solution based but one that won't give up at the first hurdle.



My wife has text me asking to go to mediation to deal with this in a peaceful way for the sake of our children. I replied that I am confused by her asking for this as she has previously refused my requests including going to relate. She replied saying she hadn't refused but didn't want to go on the weekend. That the solicitors had recommended mediation and she would contact the mediator to see when we can go. I believe we should first go to relate and want to text her this. Please let me your views.



25 I am largely just replying to your comments or question in order to give information and learn more and am not being defensive. I see clarity and agreement in what you and others have have written. I thank everyone again for your insight, help and support.
I need to go now but will reply to Sandi and others asap. Your continued support is so very important and appreciated by me.

Thank you
James

[James66]

Hi Trying,
Thanks for you support.
I'm sorry your marriage has hit a second bump. Do you think something changed in the dynamics or attitude from one of you to cause round two ?
I wish you love and peace.
James

[James66]

Go all,I'm sorry not to keep in contact for so long. I can't explain it.

I was hoping you could give some advice at short notice. I written today already but I'm rubbish with this stuff and I don't know if I sent it . Just trying different things and hoping it will send.

Things between us haven't changed except my wife saw solicitors to start proceedings last week with her "friend in tow telling her that it's hard at first but how great she will feel when it's done and she will be free.

I said that she had agreed( by text) to go to counseling first and she replied that o didn't talk with her. Of course it's impossible to communicate in a reasonable way and I have been trying to give space and earn money.

So on Friday I text her that I have 2 appointments available and she agreed to go. The appointment is for tonight in 3 for tonight in 3 hours with a relate counselor for couples counseling.

I know it's short notice but I would really appreciate advice as to what not to say or possibly things to say.
For instance should I mention the other man or men ? How I only ever tried to look after her and our film, however well I succeeded.

Or just listen and sympathise with her ?

I'm concerned that after giving as much space, working and trying to look like I'm good as much as I could over the last few months that arranging counseling is giving the wrong signal.

Having said that is it possible she wants me to do this.

Having said that I recall her initially telling a friend that she wanted to go to counseling so that I would understand it's over.
O f_Co, what can I do about it anyway.

I'm just hoping that a trained counselor can persuade her to think again.

Having said that I discounted divorce busting counseling because of the cost and being over the phone but would that help after all. How could I get her to talk to someone over the phone ? I'm confused.

Wish me luck for tonight and give me your thoughts please.

Best wishes,
James.
I really sent this correctly.

[woundedfool]

Things between us haven't changed

Well, what are YOU doing different?

with her "friend in tow telling her that it's hard at first but how great she will feel when it's done and she will be free.

I take it you didn't read DR? CH 1 The divorce trap really spells out this illusion.

I'm just hoping that a trained counselor can persuade her to think again.

Counseling has nothing to do with persuasion. Its more about communication. What do YOU want to get out of counseling?

Having said that I discounted divorce busting counseling because of the cost and being over the phone but would that help after all. How could I get her to talk to someone over the phone ? I'm confused.

Coaching is about you, not her. It helps you to refine DB'ing technique. As well as plans and goal setting.