That my dear friend sounds a marvelous idea, add in a beach, a sexy waiter with cocktails and I am in
I think it gets to a point where you start to slow down and you suddenly realise you have been running on fumes for a while. Life has a funny (not ha ha) way of taking you in the direction it wants you to go in, so find that peace and calm within you Gwen, the answers will follow.
I keep up on the board from time to time. I read about your heartache and triumphs. I find myself feeling physically ill when I read a new post from someone just trying to understand MLC and trying everything to connect with their spouse. I am comforted by the posts of wise people who comfort and guide and support each other. I cheer at my kitchen table when I read a post from someone that got through the day without crying or found a new job. Each day the LBS survived and ultimately thrived is such a sweet gift.
Hi Gwen ,
I read this and I feel and see your heart and love you share with this world. You are an amazing woman and so strong.
2 years is but a flash in time. If you look back at your day 1 here and at your self today.. you would be so proud of yourself.
I am ever so thankful to have you here as a friend and to have your support. You are loved. xx
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
echoing Lou and Irish ... Gwen my love, you are such a wonderful soul. Take all the time and stillness you need, heal, but don't isolate. Remember this is now your time to write your dream and your future. Wishing you only good things, Gwen and much love, peace and happiness xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Finally starting to believe fall is not too far away. Leaves are still green and yesterday the high was 90 but mornings and evenings seem to carry a whisp of coolness.
Thought I was doing better with this new chapter. In many ways I am better but in other ways I feel adrift.
H is living with OW far away, in a newly built house, wearing matching wedding bands and attending a church as a couple on the welcoming committee. The internet is a blessing and burden...
Only contact in months was a few weeks ago - Had to email him to pay D's counseling bill because he ignored it for months. Felt like his other as I had to explain the consequences so he would pay as agreed in our separation agreement (D is 18 so her credit would be at risk) Received a one line text an hour later "it's been taken care of" I sent a thank you.
Trying to GAL and continue with IC. Joined a writing group and searching for a new job. I am in a place of acceptance but still overwhelmed with doubt and grief that casts a shadow. Not really able to trust my inner voice. Definitely unable to banish this feeling that I can't trust my impressions of anyone else. At times I feel paralyzed and anxious in crowds and social situations. I used to be able to enjoy social situations but now I second guess what I say and how it is received. My confidence is at an all time low.
They say the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. I am not bitter these days just sad and unsure. How did I spend decades with a false sense of reality? And now the lies and indifference are weighing me down because I can't seem to detach from it. I think a little anger would be productive but I've never been able to get to there - perhaps because he ran away under a guise of lies.
Maybe it wasn't MLC??? I mean I thought we'd been happy and I have emails and pictures and parties for over 20 years then my mother died in our home, oldest D went to uni, H had career issues and long commute and serious car crash. I was unaware and naive but perhaps I had been unaware and naive for longer. I just never imagined his love was on a path to discarding me and our children.
H texted the girls a few weeks ago to enjoy their year at college and he's always answer their calls. H hasn't returned to them since he left town over 2 years ago. He never asks me any details about them (like school or why the doctor bills for an er visit?) He sends bday and xmas hallmarks with a small gift card but the one time last year I confronted him last year about why our youngest was going to see a counselor he said, "she gives me nothing" D's choose not to answer and I fear H blames me but they are older now and I tell them that I love and support them if they choose to have a relationship with their D or if they don't.... I really am neutral but I won't force them as young women to be treated with disrespect. If H was leaving the marriage wouldn't he have visited them? Attended graduation or done something other than texts and hallmarks? He left under a lie with a woman who was in our home.
Sorry for the rant - I feel very stuck. Perhaps this is my last gasp? - I think dropping the rope was never an option as H seemed to throw it away.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen, I’m so sorry you are having some tough times again. I ask myself the same question sometime, did I spent all these years with H “with a false sense of reality”… I also question if it was/is MLC. In your case, I think it is MLC for sure. He can be upset with you and blaming you for his “misfortunes”, but what do your D’s have to do with that? How a parent can punish his children for his partners faults (from MLCer point of view, of course)! I think your H has been in MLC, no doubt.
Also, the internet is not an indication of anything, if you mean that he and OW appear to be happy on the social media. Sometimes, the more happy and exaggerated messages you see on FB and other social media, more trouble it means… I do know for a fact, as I’ve seen a couple of instances of that, when people appear like they are best sole mates ever on FB, but fight and trash each other in real life. Take everything you see on the Internet (if you do that) with the grain of salt.
I think your H is at stage of his affair with OW (about 2 years), when things start going sour… the things are not new and exciting anymore… I think him texting his Ds with the wishes for new school year is some indication of that. At some point, he will realize what he’s done not only to you, but his D’s, and the awaking will be brutal. I’m a true believer of “what goes around, comes around.” And that OW… She is nothing… What kind of woman would not encourage her partner to maintain the relationship with his children… She is not decent woman in my books… And this is a woman your H went for… I’m absolutely sure she will show her true colors someday…
Gwen, it’s been 2 years since the BD for you. For some people this is not enough time to recover and heal. I know I’m one of these people. I was a royal mess 2 years into this. I think I had my heart pounding like crazy for the good 2 years after the BD. It was getting better after that. Gwen, give yourself a credit for making this far and giving so much support to our D’s. I know it must be tough in your case, as your H is one of these vanisher MLC types. Dropping the rope is more for you though. Take care of yourself and good luck with your search for a new job!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Gwen - What you're describing is the PTSD we LBSs experience. I think it's worse for you because of the lack of closure with your ex: sudden departure, no divorce etc.
I hit the wrong button on my email the other day and it brought up ancient emails from my ex, dating a couple of years before he left. The emails were full of love and adoration. They rewrite history afterwards, but usually, you weren't crazy. There WAS real love there, until the MLC alien took them.
You're doing a fantastic job with your girls, I know it's been a struggle but you're taking care of business. Now it's time to let go and start flying.
Your H and my W could be related. I know for a fact both are in MLC It's too similar our sitchs that it can't be anything else
Add in some other mental health issues and they have no choice to run.
Your girls like mine aren't blind and our MLc'rs are aware of this. So they will avoid, can't face them in hopes that one day they will just forget and accept them as is.
My girls won't. I've always told them to open their hearts, apologize and forgive. Talk about it and don't put it up Ina shelf for a later time. My MLC'r doesn't fall into that plan, until she doesn't the girls will avoid.
You are an amazing mom. Keep it up
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I guess I just needed to retreat a bit - Halloween was always big for us and seemed to mark the beginning of that busy season with a long list of shopping, crafting and baking.
This year was very different with 2 at university. I made a real effort to start new traditions and celebrate our lives in new ways. We are all older and wiser and capable of enjoying ourselves as a family of three adults. It was a good philosophy and we made it through New Year's without any drama. A bit melancholy here and there but we did well --- 3 ladies could have a dinner of appetizers and a movie marathon. We had a pedicure day and we just embraced our family dynamic as if that was the way it had always been.
H sent them each a token gift and hallmark card. No real personal message. Sent them the usual holiday group text. They did not respond. I felt bad for him but his gift was outdated and to text them after leaving 30 months ago???? It is tragic in many ways but you can't move thousands of miles away and just text. --- I wanted to try to fix it but this is not my relationship to fix. I simply said it was a positive thing that he is trying and I am not sure how he could handle things without it being awkward. They just moved on....
After new year's I discovered both girls went back to counseling on their own. It was a moment of great pride because I knew they'd be ok.... They knew to ask for help. They did not shy away from needing to work through things and they each said they knew I would support them 100% for practicing good self care. I was so happy just knowing they were setting boundaries and practicing self care.
It took me decades to understand self care. Life is not about perfection but they have a lot more in their toolbox when the storms roll in. For the first time, in a long time, I realized we were all starting to detach from the past.
So it is almost April. I have a new job that suits me for now. I am still in IC but the focus is on the future and my GAL is picking up. The girls and I are living well and moving on. We are a tight family. A small family but we have friends. We also celebrate each of us as individuals. I want my daughters to be strong on their own as well as with a partner. I want them to know we are not defined by H's MLC.
Guess I am up to date. Oh yeah - date??? No definitely not ready for that yet but starting to think more about tomorrow and the endless possibilities ahead.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I'm glad you returned to post an update. You sound good and I'm proud of you and your children for all that you've been through and survived in the last 30 months on so. It's never easy when a parent goes missing and has very little contact w/the family.
Yes, your h is missing out on a lot of important things going on in the lives of his family. It's sad when the gifts are outdated and the cards have no real meaning behind them. It just goes to show that his empathy chip is broken and his life isn't all that grand.
Congratulations on the new job! I'm glad you are keeping your focus on the future and your GAL activities.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
