I want to ask you a very serious question. How would your life change if you were divorced RIGHT NOW? My guess is very little. So what exactly are you fighting against? Instead, choose to fight FOR yourself.
Physically my life would not change. She doesn't live here and I never see her.
But emotionally the thought devastates me. I don't think I'll ever be able to sign my name to a piece of paper that officially divorces us.
So, in one breath you say that your life wont actually change, and in the next one, you say that you wont be able to sign a piece of paper.
Look at that objectively and realize it doesnt make any sense.
You and your wife are divorced RIGHT NOW - the only difference is that you havent reported it to the government. Sure, you need to split some things and finalize the business transaction. But for all intents and purposes, youre already divorced.
Now, that doesnt mean you cant reconcile. But you are fighting so hard against something thats essentially already happened.
The technicality must mean something to her...she still wears her wedding ring for some reason. Being married means more to me than just words or an acknowledgement from the government.
It took a lot of "getting over my past" and overcoming my fear of commitment to give in to her obsession with marriage. I'm not exactly just willing to let it go despite the situation that we find ourselves in right now.
Maybe we're emotionally divorced...but I can't just abandon hope that she'll "come to" on her own before papers are signed.
Once papers are signed...I know that I won't have the same hope that I do now. I think it's the trip down the steep hill...with the divorce papers being the very top. It's harder to stop yourself and climb back up when the momentum takes over.
Once papers are signed...I know that I won't have the same hope that I do now. I think it's the trip down the steep hill...with the divorce papers being the very top. It's harder to stop yourself and climb back up when the momentum takes over.
Jason - Sorry your hurting and totally understand the thought of signing papers being an end. A couple of things:
1) I'm a metal head and love my music. One line from a song that I'm listening to these days is "Hope is a Prison". That hope that you have for your MR will continue to weigh you down. This is where the detachment and GAL are MUSTS. It's for your health, sanity and it will swallow you if you don't control.
2) Divorce Papers are just that papers. I've read sitch's where divorces finalized and then the relationship starts anew. I'm not saying this will happen, but sometimes that is the path. The papers saying you're not married anymore only mean you're not married anymore. You don't file taxes together. You probably can't cover under health insurance. Blah, blah, blah.
I know it's hard to sift through the pain you're feeling to understand this perspective and I've been there. Keep working at it and you can climb back up.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Perhaps it's her youth or the fact that you are so close to her family, and how you sound here,
but something tells me your story is not over. Maybe I'm missing something or maybe she's leaving something out about her feelings or the marriage (intimacy issues, no chemistry, not earning enough money, etc)...
But if there aren't issues like those^^, then maybe you can trust that the truth^^ will be revealed, in time.
From where I sit, she may "need to be released", she may think she needs to dip her toe in the water of singleness or just want to be on her own and self reliant...
But here is what I know.
When I was dating H, he wanted exclusivity - but I dated other guys more, before choosing to commit.
Why? Because I Began dating h when I was 19. So I wanted to meet other men and at least have some basis of comparison, and fewer regrets about my "lost youth", later.
And here is the good news. I didn't date jerks who "made" h look good by comparison. No, I met nice, interesting young men, cute ones, funny ones, smart, etc. "No abusers and no losers."
Ane yet, on an individual basis none of them could compare well to h . H was smart and funny and in good shape, and we had chemistry...So we married. My point is that I found dating other guys only proved to me that h & I were very well suited.
So If your w is having second thoughts about marrying so young, or a delayed reaction to the reality of committing to so much so early, and "giving up her youth" or whatever she is telling herself
Or if someone else is giving her attention at the same time, I think IN TIME
you'll end up looking like the greenest grass around. Because you are.
She may need to see this^^ for herself and that is hard to do while married. Maybe that's why she continues to wear a ring. Once it's off, she'll be free to jump in the water...and see the truth she'll always wonder about, otherwise.
Of course this^^ is not harmless! It wounds you deeply.
I'm just afraid only time apart will teach her that you are a man only a fool would leave. I don't see her figuring this out with you being too available to her.
It's not as if she said you were an inattentive h, or neglected her, or "never did things" she wanted, etc.
Look, there are guys here in much worse positions. Some poor guys here just got complacent, some were downright mean, or irritable and critical, or controlling, jealous & insecure....
And I feel for those guys b/c they have deep stuff to face and it takes so much bravery and fortitude to meet those challenges...
In your case, with the r's you have with her family and how "amicable" she wants it and the age difference and from what you say here...
I think she is on a journey you are not invited on. But it may be a journey back to you,
and since you are going on your own journey, we can't say for sure where you will be when her journey ends.
Keep the road home, paved and smooth. (Meaning, don't create obstacles in her way back to you. If the time comes for piecing, we can all deal with boundaries and such THEN, and not before).
Be a man of strength and honor. You will never regret that.
GAL so you can detach, so that your time is spent more on meeting new people or doing interesting things, than on missing her. GAL and detachment are for your protection AND for the chances of a recon.
Jason, if your w has fundamentally changed what she wants in life (which can happen to people who marry young)
then GAL only benefits you that much sooner.
And if I'm right, and she stops herself somewhere along the way, to turn and look over her shoulder at you what will she see?
Do you really worry that GAL and developing into the man you were meant to become,
means she'll look at you and say "Oh, no! Jason has an interesting fulfilling life & must therefore NOT want me back. So I won't say a word to anyone..."??
More likely she will say "yikes, looking back, I can really see what a great catch he was. Oh my God, I hope it's not too late."
I'm as certain as I can be about someone I've never met, that pleading & needing are the least likely ways of attracting her back.
Jason, your heart is broken and from what you said here, it's not the first time.
((( I ache for you and yes, I really do get that )))
Trust this process to reveal the man you are. Trust that you deserve to be valued and loved, and in time, you will be.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
i know it's been months since I've responded...but I have taken everything that you've said to heart. here is an update...
there has still been almost zero communication between my wife and I. we last saw each other on April 1st where she wanted to "meet up for coffee to discuss divorce"...which turned into smiles and laughing and catching up...then like 2 minutes of her saying "I want to make this as quickly and as painlessly as possible." we discussed splitting the money briefly..and then I paid and we went our separate ways.
the last communication we had was April 17th when we were texting about our tax return...but that was it.
I've heard nothing since about divorce....nothing since about money....nothing from her parents (who i haven't spoken to or reached out to since March 12th when they came with her to pack her stuff)
this is all so very bizarre. she was in such a hurry and now i've gotten no word on her position. she's not on social media all that much so I have nothing to stalk even if i wanted to. she canceled our netflix...not sure why...i was paying for it anyway lol...but that got reopened because I wasn't done with the new season of MST3K. >:[
here is the part that is upsetting me badly lately....our anniversary is coming up on May 17th. we always went away on our anniversary...i'm getting chills from the lack of contact I have with her. it's one thing to have the feeling of missing your wife or girlfriend which sometimes I feel is the result of rejection almost as much as the physical individual themselves....but I miss being near her just as a person. I feel like we complimented each other in such a way that I've never felt before. i don't believe in fate at all. in fact i'm the least spiritual person you'll ever meet. but as much as i better myself, get a life, be musically creative, start new things and just make myself busier....i still feel like i'm half the person I was when she was even just near me.
I wish we could've celebrated our 3 year marriage anniversary together at our favorite breakfast spot in Ocean City new jersey.:(
That's hard to just have no communication whatsoever. I feel for you. Best of luck getting through the anniversary. If y'all aren't going to do anything, why not you do something for yourself?
All the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
do you think that writing her a card or a letter would be a bad idea? it would most certainly reveal to her that I definitely not over this. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. i was good for a while...but it's all starting to bother me day to day again.
i mean....don't get me wrong...i think about this every waking second of every day...but it's affecting my mood again.
I'm sorry, I imagine that was quite devastating. Would have been nice had she given you a heads up or asked you to waive the service. You probably know this, but many divorce petitions are dismissed before finalization and I've seen 25 say that something like up to 15% of second marriages are people remarrying.
Obviously you need to talk to your lawyer and figure out your game plan, but this does not have to change anything that you are doing. There are also threads here talking about legal divorce vs. emotional divorce. The legal divorce is really just a piece of paper.
I hope that you are working on your GAL and detaching to help you during this process.
It appears that completely out of nowhere...this is no longer an amicable divorce. Her demands from her lawyer are insane and now I have to hire an attorney to fight it. For no reason at all she has decided to make this ugly. She won't respond to my requests to speak at all.
It looks like this marriage is legitimately done. And for nothing. I'm gonna have to go the abandonment route to see if I can protect some of my money. I was totally willing to give her a large chunk of our savings...but at this point there won't be much left for either of us.
This is no longer a case of getting her back. It's over.
