First time here

[leahsue]

Thanks Hawker. I am finding today that my excitement at his starting things back up is fading, and with that I'm wondering - do I even want him back?..... He still hasn't even give me a reason for the whole separation, except "I need some time". Of course, there was the whole one night stand thing, so there's that. I think I can forgive him for that, but the isolation and abandonment the 3 months after... I'm having trouble with that. My counselor says it's shame, in fact he did say that also, but WHAT ABOUT ME? My world fell apart!!! Jeez, I'm ready for this day to end. I want to go back to being excited to hear from him. I know these thoughts are here with a purpose though, and I must work through them. Ugh.

[Dawgs]

. I am finding today that my excitement at his starting things back up is fading, and with that I'm wondering - do I even want him back

That's called growing within your own self and accepting the reality of it all.

He still hasn't even give me a reason for the whole separation, except "I need some time".

One of the things I learned a long time ago is that you won't get an effective reason...not at all. It is what it is. I still don't have one and my divorce was done last week. I learned to accept the fact that there are some things one will never learn...AND there are some things that we should not know. Ever.

. I want to go back to being excited to hear from him. I know these thoughts are here with a purpose though, and I must work through them

He's on his own road...one that only has room for him. Make of it what you will... Own your road. That's all you can do.

[leahsue]

Wow, Jeep, you nailed it before it even happened. He's on his own road. He called yesterday after I posted my last post, and we were having a pleasant enough conversation just casual. Then he started telling me he had re-arranged all the stuff in the kitchen, moving things around. That kind of made me think-wow, it's really not ever going to be "home" for me again, but I didn't say anything. THEN, he says, this lease is up in October anyway. (Which I knew, and I had hoped we would look for a house further from the touristy, SO expensive area near the Hudson, but not mentioned it to him) Then he says- I think I'll just get a one bedroom apt down in ---- City near work. I felt like someone had kicked me in the teeth. I said, I am going to need to get off the phone now. I know he could hear in my voice that I was about to cry. He just said OK and I hung up. Two seconds later he texted I'm sorry. I probably way over-reacted privately, but luckily not while on the phone. What I heard him say was- I have my life all planned out for the next year or so and there is no room for you. He texted about an hour later and said- I know what I said came out wrong and that's not how I meant it to sound. I think we have been having very good conversations and moving forward. What I meant by a single bedroom is that's all we would need for now if we make it back to us. I didn't respond. He called and said the same thing. Who knows what he really meant, and I can't worry about it. But I'm not gonna lie. It took away most of the progress, at least for me, that I've felt we were making. On top of it all, I went to dr today and tested positive for flu, so no wonder I've felt like crap. Oh well, pushing forward on my road built for just me.

[Dawgs]

leahsue - I'm sorry you are still on this path. Nobody deserves it (well, there are some that do I guess) and you have been going through a lot. Hope you are feeling better!

What I heard him say was- I have my life all planned out for the next year or so and there is no room for you. He texted about an hour later and said- I know what I said came out wrong and that's not how I meant it to sound. I think we have been having very good conversations and moving forward.

Oh well, pushing forward on my road built for just me.

If you look closely enough at your road, you'll see it is paved with gold. It just have dirt and stuff on top of it. You got this!!!!!

It appears that his and your definition of moving forward are different, no? Either way, you seem to be doing well!

[Dawgs]

Crap - I left part of my answer out! Sorry!

What I heard him say was- I have my life all planned out for the next year or so and there is no room for you. He texted about an hour later and said- I know what I said came out wrong and that's not how I meant it to sound. I think we have been having very good conversations and moving forward.

You know, my ex said the same thing about good conversations and moving forward and all. It is what it is. Take care of yourself, my friend. You'll be fine!

[Cristy]

Hello leahsue,

It sounds like you handled that most recent interaction really well!

I'm so sorry you have the flu. Hopefully you can follow doctor's orders and take good care of yourself. No need to focus on anything but your recovery right now.

Is he still thinking about heading South for a weekend? Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[leahsue]

I need advice. Maybe I should be over on the MLC forum but there seems to be more activity here, and right now I still need the daily interaction found on this website. It has helped me in my everyday thoughts so many times, as I feel myself sliding toward negative self-talk.
I am not sure what stage I am in. I started here with a husband who wanted separation, which we did. He never said he wanted a divorce, in fact said he did not, but just needed some time. Then basically he just abandoned me for 2 months. About 3 weeks ago he started to communicate, first just a text here and there, then daily texts, then phone calls, now he wants us to visit for a weekend. So I don't really know what "rules" I need to be following during this phase. It was easy to go dark, that was clear-cut. But now, I don't know. When he first said he wants to see me, I was so excited and thought I'd love nothing more. But the more I think of it and the closer it gets, the more I think I may be reading too much into it. If you've read any of my posts, you'll see where last Sunday he made a statement about the future that did not include us back living together. He tried to back up and say that's not how he meant it- maybe he did, maybe he didn't~ believe nothing they say, right? But it had a strong affect on how I'm looking at this "get-together". I feel like I may be setting myself up for a disappointment, in that I think the weekend was going to be a magical fix, and he would want me to come home. Now I think that's not how it's going to be. I realize I am mind-reading, and crossing bridges ahead of time. My IC gets onto me about that every week. But I'm also trying to guard my heart. I don't want to set myself up for a 2nd heartbreak this quick. Should I just not see him? Eventually we have to see each other. We are 1000 miles apart so can't very well "date", which is what would make the most sense to me. I'm still not really verbalizing what I'm trying to say- usually I don't have this much trouble with words. Flu is still hanging around so maybe that's it. Any thoughts or opinions would be welcome.

[Dawgs]

Hey Leahsue! Seems like you are doing well in spite of all that's happened. You have this! If you want to join us over on TW, there's always room for another!

[leahsue]

Jeep, you mentioned TW earlier, but I don't know what that is or how to find it. Maybe message me? And thanks for checking in to my page.

[25yearsmlc]

I need advice. Maybe I should be over on the MLC forum but there seems to be more activity here,

Switching and worrying about whether this is MLC or a WAS is not necessarily helpful. I think people spend way way too much time labelling their spouses instead of dealing with what they know is happening and working on themselves.

Plus, as you said, there's more activity here so this is where you'll get the help you want.


and right now I still need the daily interaction found on this website. It has helped me in my everyday thoughts so many times, as I feel myself sliding toward negative self-talk.

Great!

I am not sure what stage I am in. I started here with a husband who wanted separation, which we did. He never said he wanted a divorce, in fact said he did not, but just needed some time. Then basically he just abandoned me for 2 months.

which may be exactly what he meant when he said he wanted space.


About 3 weeks ago he started to communicate, first just a text here and there, then daily texts, then phone calls, now he wants us to visit for a weekend. So I don't really know what "rules" I need to be following during this phase.

this ^^is a thaw and there are many people here who would love to have these^ actions happening. It's an opportunity for you to DB


It was easy to go dark, that was clear-cut. But now, I don't know.

have you talked to a DB coach? Mine was supremely helpful and specific.


When he first said he wants to see me, I was so excited and thought I'd love nothing more. But the more I think of it and the closer it gets, the more I think I may be reading too much into it.

Please have NO EXPECTATIONS and I cannot stress this enough. Try to be in the moment, pleasant and easy to be around and light hearted.

Yes, it may take all your acting skills and we can give you an Oscar b/c you will deserve it!

But you are a woman with interesting people to meet, cool places to go, & FUN things to do but you will make time for your h b/c hey, he's fun TOO!

Be upbeat and have a PMA and all the rest of the DB basics. Do them. Or fake as if you are (and then really do them.)

We hammer the GAL and Detachment for 2 reasons

1) it helps US to be happier people and our happiness and inner peace is the ultimate goal, not reconciliation

and

paradoxically 2) it increases the chances of a reconciliation

Make sense?




If you've read any of my posts, you'll see where last Sunday he made a statement about the future that did not include us back living together. He tried to back up and say that's not how he meant it- maybe he did, maybe he didn't~ believe nothing they say, right?

But it had a strong affect on how I'm looking at this "get-together". I feel like I may be setting myself up for a disappointment, in that I think the weekend was going to be a magical fix, and he would want me to come home. Now I think that's not how it's going to be. I realize I am mind-reading, and crossing bridges ahead of time. My IC gets onto me about that every week.

you are doing a LOT of mind reading. Your IC is telling you to stop it and so are we. Are you going to stop or keep doing what hurts you and your cause?

I mean, do you see how the mind reading isn't serving your interests? You think it's protecting you but it's not.



But I'm also trying to guard my heart. I don't want to set myself up for a 2nd heartbreak this quick. Should I just not see him?


Why on earth would you not see him? How would that protect your heart?
This is what you wanted, isn't it? He's exploring the connection you had, and you want to cut it off? I don't get it.

Eventually we have to see each other. We are 1000 miles apart so can't very well "date", which is what would make the most sense to me.

Sorry but what was the 1 bedroom discussion about, if he isn't open to living together?


I'm still not really verbalizing what I'm trying to say- usually I don't have this much trouble with words. Flu is still hanging around so maybe that's it. Any thoughts or opinions would be welcome.

Take care of yourself. Many of us found that we were sick more often during these stressful times, so it's clearly part of our self care to work on.