Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

Hi 75Shade. I guess it depends on how you define progress...

Last night after a fun day with the kids, my wife revealed that she had a bit of a breakthrough with regards to her IC. She has a tendency to get completely flustered and lose her $hit when our kids fight and she said that she recently realized that this is because there was never any peace in her house growing up. Her parents were always verbally and physically abusive to each other, to the point that she was NEVER home. So when our kids get loud and fight (even if it just playing) all those feelings come back and she can't handle it.

So I proceeded to validate. To tell her that she should be really proud of herself for sticking with her IC despite how painful the memories are. That there are many people who would just push all of those emotions aside because it's easier. I told her that I was really happy for her.

So then she decided this would be an opportune moment to tell me that she wants to move forward with our separation! Despite the fact that I think we're making some progress in reconnecting and that she acknowledges all the changes I've been making to be a better man and father, she's over it. She says doesn't have another man although I don't really believe her. She just wants to be "on her own" and "not married" anymore.

I validated all of her feelings and then re-stated my stance that I would not move out of the house and abandon my family. I told her that I'm still a married man and separation goes against my principles. Her reply was that the only other choice was to move out and take the kids with her.

This one got to me. I don't want my children to become pawns in some power struggle, but I feel like conceding and leaving the home is the wrong thing to do in so many ways.

It's hard to imagine a person could be so selfish that they would rather uproot their kids from the only home they've ever lived in and move them to some apartment that WE can't afford (let alone her) all because she can't separate her selfishness from the right thing to do. She thinks that because she spends more time taking care of our kids, she should be the one they live with. But I don't agree. Our kids are settled in our house and neighborhood and they just finished a transition to a new school.

So then I said, "You know there IS a third option that you're not considering which is for us to go back to working on the marriage. We'll have to start over. We can't go back to the way things were. We have to learn how to reconnect again."

This didn't inspire her at all, and I didn't think it would.

So then I said, "I'm not going to go into my sale pitch. We obviously have more to discuss, but I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed."

So what do you all think? Am I being unreasonable? Should I move out for the sake of my kids? If we're still married I can't stop her from taking the kids with her if she decided to move. That would devastate them as much as if I moved out. The only difference would be that she'd have to be the "bad guy." But I don't want to start getting into this good guy/bad guy $hit.

[doodler]

This one got to me. I don't want my children to become pawns in some power struggle, but I feel like conceding and leaving the home is the wrong thing to do in so many ways.

Chris73,

Your wife has fired a warning shot. Don't ignore it or dismiss it. See a lawyer as soon as possible.

[LH19]

Do not move out of the house! She wants to leave let her leave. Get joint custody in the separation agreement and you will have them in your house 50% of the time. IMO if you leave you will never get back in that house again.

[Gordie]

This one got to me. I don't want my children to become pawns in some power struggle, but I feel like conceding and leaving the home is the wrong thing to do in so many ways.

Chris73,

Your wife has fired a warning shot. Don't ignore it or dismiss it. See a lawyer as soon as possible.

Agree. Lawyer up. I don't think she can take the kids out of the house just because she feels like it. You have rights.

[Vapo]

I agree, do not move out. Lawyer up. Make it CLEAR to her that you will not have your kids used as pawns.

Time to show her you grew back a pair...

Stay strong buddy...

[Chris73]

No plans to move out and I didn't mince words. It's hard to believe this woman would be so selfish as to uproot her children rather than just move out. I can't even fathom that she'd go through with it. She still hasn't mentioned D specifically, just "separation". Regardless, I will retaining a lawyer by next week.

Supposed to take my son skiing tomorrow and Friday. Have to try to put this mess aside until we get back. Ugh!

[Vapo]

Just one more thing, do not believe her, not a word.

[75Shade]

Mine said the same thing to me when she was at the pinnacle of her madness. I think thats what scares them most. Taking away the kids takes away the only people that dont really know what she is doing.

[Chris73]

At one point she told me, "You have been a class act through this whole thing. Giving me my space, not pressuring me, making significant changes for yourself, supporting me and our kids... but I just want to be on my own. I don't think I'll ever marry again." I felt like saying, of course you won't, you would only eff it up like you did this one.

[mvgfwd2]

Yes, don't believe a single word she says. If you says she wants to have an amicable separation, it only means as long as she gets what she wants. She will lie and manipulate (kindness, sex, etc) so be wary.