Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #3

[Woke_Up]

Gordie

I thinkI know what her LL is, but she hasn't done the test yet. On the upside, she has said she will read the book. MY thoughts are Acts of Service & Quality Time (certainly based on criticisms - although I think AoS have to be specific things, as general helping out doesn't seem to get much of a positive reaction. She still says she 'does everything and never gets a thank you) - the irony being that W is the one in the house who very rarely says Please or Thank-you. Thank-you's are more common than pleases.

Yes, point 2 - I am trying to do that . Listening, focusing.

I'll be interested to see her take on the 5LL and what the quiz says her primary/secondary LL are.

[Woke_Up]

Bit of journaling - over the last 7 days:

Wednesday: Very little happened to report. Minimal interactions, other than 'demanding' a new car seat for D5 as buckle was broken and she had to cut her free.

Thurs:
She sent me another video link on R counsellor and said to listen until the end – where it mentioned old marriages being dead after infidelity but possible to have new one.

I went training (my GAL), picked up SS16 on way home. In car he gave me weed that W had asked him to get for her from one of his friends. I was furious, told him not to do it in future, let her sort her own mess out . At home had a go at W, told her never to do that again, if she did I would throw it, and it was really unfair to ask her S16 to get her weed, what would happen if he got caught by police? W didn't really say anything. I went to bed left her to it. Selfish? doesn't even come close. She has done it before and I have told her not to.

Friday: DB coaching session at 5 am, and stupid mobile phone kept cutting me off. Coach advised working on building connection, got me to verbalise how W sees me and what her issues are with me. Have to write a letter apologising for my prior failures, and run through it with coach on next session.

That wasn't easy. I did it based on what W says, and when you don't agree with that, it is really difficult. OK, there will be some truth in it, but it's not as black and white as all that.

Texts from W on way home, wanted me to pick some stuff up, asked me to hurry up, said she hated being alone this much. Home - bickering. Said she was lonely being in her own, but that she also didn't like people. Didn't want to do things with people. I validated.

Saturday: Pleasant-ish morning but in the evening had an argument about D5 and bath time and getting her into a routine - W started off being rude and insulting, but then nearly burst into tears, (stress and anxiety?), said she can't handle things being made more difficult. Said she was really struggling. Held her, apologised. Things seemed better after that.

She went upstairs to lie down, said I could lie with her. Chatted, pleasant enough.
Checking her phone, she pulled up Skype out of habit I guess, rather than Twitter which she meant, displaying a conv with OM. I said that's my cue to leave. She said no, held me. Said she didn’t mean to do it. I felt pretty cold and angry, hurt. She went for a smoke and I talked to her, but afterwards, back in her room, just said good night. She asked wasn't she even going to get a kiss, and I said it's hard to be affectionate after that. She said she didn't mean to do it, and I said it's just a reminder that it's always there. She said not for much longer - I said I can't count the number of times I've heard that since September. Left her room, closed the door, went to bed.

I don't like this softly softly approach even when I am no good at the tough love approach. It tears me in two.

Not much to report since then. Some minor bickering on Sunday, but W appreciated me cooking dinner for everyone. I'm going to aim to do this every weekend - work on my cooking skills and give W a break from cooking. Minimal interaction while I have been at work, zero messages from her on Tuesday, and I sent none until after work to remind her I would be late, and how was her day. No reply. She has been quite withdrawn since the weekend.

So both of us are doing the NC thing. I try not to mind read, but it often feels like when I am upset with her for a reason & pull away from her, she pulls away from me in reaction. I am working on not pursuing. I have been a bit, particularly by overstaying in her room to talk to her before we say good night. I will stop that and monitor for any reactions.

I also need to stop worrying. I've recently found myself standing outside he door before I go to bed, like I used to do after BD, wondering what she is up to. Pointless. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that.

[Woke_Up]

OK, that was some long journaling.

Key bits for me:

WW saying she feels alone, stuck at home in the day. But between a rock & a hard place as she doesn't feel like meeting people and doing things.

WW nearly crying on Saturday after the argument, saying that my actions always made things harder for her. WW NEVER cries. I have seen it once, when she was pregnant. She suffers from anxiety and depression also, which I have mentioned earlier in my sitch, and her anxiety has been worse recently - breathing and heart pounding.

My GAL has improved, and on Thursday and Tuesday we were doing some BJJ work Brazilian Jujitsu) - I've never done any grappling work before, so this was really good for me. Left me with some good aches. There's a couple of young ladies who were training there, and while you gentlemen may think it sounds erotic to be straddled by a lady in her early 20's, when they're trying to stab you with a knife (even a plastic training knife), there's precious little erotic about it at all. Those girls take no prisoners

[doodler]

There's a couple of young ladies who were training there, and while you gentlemen may think it sounds erotic to be straddled by a lady in her early 20's, when they're trying to stab you with a knife (even a plastic training knife), there's precious little erotic about it at all. Those girls take no prisoners

Woke_Up,

That sounds like heaven.

[Woke_Up]

Woke_Up,

That sounds like heaven.

HaHa, yes, they have no issues with invading personal space I'm sure some of the moves would be more at home in the Karma Sutra! I just wish I had more time to train - I'm giving it one night a week, was hoping to get a 2nd session in on Saturday mornings, but so far that has evaded me. If I add another weeknight, that's another night I miss putting D5 to bed.

Oh, and due to my online nosing of Tacoma World (Jeep74 keeps mentioning it), I now know we share the same first name. Good man.

[Woke_Up]

So, I've been doing some reading. I read the 5LL, but need to do the quiz, & plan to do that tonight.

I also started reading the 7 Principles by Gottman, recommended by DB Coach - have just read the first couple of chapters, about what causes things to go wrong. That was depressing. Those 4 horsemen have been rife within our R for so long. Plus all of the signs. Jesus.

Flooding was a new concept to me, and yes, I can see how I suffer from that. My amygdala kicks into overdrive almost as soon as we start arguing about things, horrendously so.

Anyway, I'm now about to start the chapter on the 1st principle, so maybe that will cheer me up that things aren't doomed quite yet.

[Woke_Up]

OK, so 1st principle is going to be difficult. How can you talk and do your love maps when you're barely speaking to each other, and definitely not about R?

Monitoring: Came home, W was up in her room with D5. D5 was ready for bed, watching something on her tablet, while W finished doing D5's plait. Spoke briefly, put the clothes back on D5's new doll. Then said come on, time for bed. Took the doll, put it in D5's room, and then walked to my room to put my jacket down.

Could hear W was saying something, then she started giving it the "Hellllooooooo" in a sarcastic tone - you know, bit like the guy from Back to the Future "Hellooo, McFly". Anyway, I walked back in, and told W that using that tone was rude. She said I was being rude by what I was doing, what was I doing? I told her I was putting D5's doll in her room and putting my jacket down, and D5 had heard me (she just didn't follow). I then took D5 to her room. I'm not letting rudeness slide these days. W made a comment about she'd done her duty and it was someone else's turn now.

Later, after D5 was asleep, spent some time talking to her (mostly about psychopaths, she has a new book she is reading on the topic - she is fascinated about it and spending a lot of time on it. She believes her father is a psychopath). She asked if I thought she was a psychopath, because there is a hereditary component to it. I said no, she wasn't, because I knew she had too many emotions and feelings, especially for her children, and that was the same reason I knew I wasn't, even though she had said I was.

W then said she didn't think I was a psycho - I said I know you don't *think* I am one, you just *said* I was one. We both smiled and laughed about that.

Later, she wanted me to keep her company while she smoked in the utility room. We talked some more, nothing serious. Then, at one point she reached out with her legs and put her foot on me in a friendly way. Asked 'Do you love this psychopath?' - I said I did love her, probably the wrong thing to say, given the sitch, but I'm not very good at being stand offish.

Anyway, went to bed separately again. She gave me a hug when she came out of the en-suite. I went to her room to say goodnight, standing near the doorway. Was waiting to see if she would say or do anything further but she didn't, just smiled and said goodnight.

Later, W sent me a picture msg with a pic of D5 and W's old cat that died a couple of years ago. She had been talking about the cat earlier.

So, minor reactions, but I am still too eager to see if she is pursuing me in any way and that ends up with me acting pursuing. Doh! However, will keep maintaining my distance, and get better at these 'good night' moments.

After reading some of Vanilla's advice elsewhere I am now researching and listening to mindfulness and self-help on youTube - currently focusing on boundaries and self-confidence.

[Woke_Up]

I'm on a down swing at the minute. Had ups and downs since Friday - W was nice, then spewed and raged about MBR, I grabbed her phone, not good. She texted abuse so I blocked her til the morning.

Weekend went OK, mostly pleasant, until she went to take a photo of D5 while she was sleeping, and had Skype on it when she opened her phone. I got mad.

Then have been eaten away at since then, really want to make sure the EAP (OM) has a god awful 30th birthday tomorrow. So got home angry and told W that's what I was going to do, that I knew it would make her angry, and I didn't care any more.

I'd had enough. I also told her she should leave. She said she would, so I said she could go to her mother's and get up at 5:30 every day to come and look after D5 when I leave for work, see how she likes those early starts...

None of this will happen, she won't leave, it's not practical. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. Don't think my DB coach will be pleased... I was meant to be writing and giving her the apology letter.

I just think it would be easier if I didn't have to see her every day, but that's just my anger talking.

Deep breath. Start again.

[Gordie]

You had a bad day, don't beat yourself up. Forgive yourself. Start again tomorrow. You need space. Create it for yourself by taking your eyes off your wife. Pay attention to yourself and your feelings. Treat her like a cranky, house guest. Don't let her ups and downs affect you emotionally. Be strong and steady.

[Dawgs]

There's a couple of young ladies who were training there, and while you gentlemen may think it sounds erotic to be straddled by a lady in her early 20's, when they're trying to stab you with a knife (even a plastic training knife), there's precious little erotic about it at all. Those girls take no prisoners smile

Very, very much like my Harley Quinn... Hoo boy. As doodler says, that is heaven...