WH came back. Piecing. Almost at 2 year mark.

[LITB]

Hi Blu,

I understand the difficulty of being able to forgive and move passed the resentment. Forgiveness doesn't come naturally to us.

Do you love your H? Do you think if you can get beyond resentment and offer your forgiveness that you can get to a happy place in your M/R? Of course it isn't always going to be happy, but you get the idea.

This is one of my favorite quotes about forgiveness: To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

It is interesting how we can become a prisoner to resentment and how it is like an emotional cancer. Additionally, when we focus on the things that feed that emotion, it is what manifest in our hearts.

It reminds me of this Cherokee Indian Legend:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

In my sitch, my W focused on the negatives. So much so that she even turned some of the positives into negatives. Today she doesn't understand why. I believe that when people become so unhappy and filled with resentment, the happy times become unclear. That's why we see so many WAS are history revisionist.

Blu, which wolf are you feeding?

[BluWave]

Thank you for this. I don't know. I think it changes from week to week. But I will say that I personally am not filled with unhappiness or resentment in general. Someone at work commented today on how happy I seem lately. I feel good about my Rs with my kids, family, friends, coworkers, etc. I recently ended a friendship, which is unusual for me. It's sad, but at the same time I am relieved because she is a negative and pessimistic person. Whenever we spent time together, there was a lot of venting and bad mouthing involved. I have reached out to her several times in the last couple years, only to be met with how hard things are for her and how depressed she is. She has made no effort and doesn't get even get back to me. I am done. The friends I spend time with now are much more present and supportive. The Rs are upbeat and fun, but I can also be myself. It's easy. It feels healthy. I am accepting that not all Rs are forever. We change and grow, and it's okay to move on.

Now in terms of my M, I don't know how unhappy I am, but yes, I am resentful. I don't feel optimistic, or love, or joy when I think about my H or spend time with him. It feels like we go through life just taking care of work, family, and home together. My joys are with others and in things I can accomplish myself. I don't stew in negative feelings, but I generally don't feel close to him.

When things are smooth and I do feel close to him, I also think it's because I am making an effort. It's like he is waiting, but for what, I don't know. He's is just there. I don't like this back seat approach--it's more Nice Guy behavior. I want a man that will take a stand. I don't think he was ever that man. I think I saw what I wanted to see.

I met this couple today at a kids activity. Really nice people and they seemed so comfortable with each other. It was sweet. They reminded me of how we used to be many years ago. These two have been together 25 years tho. It just looked easy and right. I miss that. I wonder if I will ever have that again. And with who? I just can't imagine feeling that way about my H most days. Just being honest.

Blu

[BluWave]

25yearsmlc, would love it if you would stop by and give me some feedback. I used to read your posts a couple years ago. I appreciate your advice and what you bring to the board. I recall that you and your H were split for some time and then made it work. Are you happier with him than before DB?

I am not even sure what I am asking for exactly. Most of the posters here are not in my sitch, are newly LBS, and it seems they even look to me for guidance. I know I could have done a better job at DB, but that is in the past now.

I would love to understand how you made it work again. How did you fall in love again? I just don't see that happening. Sometimes, like today, I wish he never came back. Sigh.

Thank you,
Blu

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc, would love it if you would stop by and give me some feedback. I used to read your posts a couple years ago. I appreciate your advice and what you bring to the board. I recall that you and your H were split for some time and then made it work. Are you happier with him than before DB?


If the question is whether I was happier with him before he was a jerk, yes I was.

But if you are naming "DB" as an issue, I would say that DBing is a life approach in many respects, and I have no regrets there.

But no, 10 years later, no I am not now happier with h.

And I'm going to post my situation update soon.

Blu, I truly believe if my H had done the work your h is, and you really believe he means it, then it's about how you do the whole "forgiveness process." And that might be on you. Love is partly an act of choice and I think you may need date nights and romance to spark the fire *BUT* if that ignites other "stuff" for you, then maybe you need to figure out how to rid yourself of the PTSD affects of what you went through. It is absolutely a traumatic ordeal.


What specifically have you done to help let go of the sh!t you are replaying and feeling?


I am not even sure what I am asking for exactly. Most of the posters here are not in my sitch, are newly LBS, and it seems they even look to me for guidance. I know I could have done a better job at DB, but that is in the past now.

I would love to understand how you made it work again. How did you fall in love again? I just don't see that happening. Sometimes, like today, I wish he never came back. Sigh.


Thank you,
Blu

I don't know about the term "falling" in love as if it's an accident you hope will "happen to" you.

It takes effort but that doesn't undermine the magic of it. I still feel sparks for h. That might be a forever thing.

What was it like before, in terms of chemistry and what is it like now? What are the triggers that make you wish he never came back?

Can you be specific?

[JujuB]

Hello Blu wave

I have always read about how difficult piecing is. I always imagined I would like that experience. To have that power of being less invested in the relationship, whIle your partner who had greatly wronged you is fully vested and trying whatever they can do to win back your love and trust.

(Of course if your not invested, one would not even want that power I suppose).

Your sentiment seems to be a similar sentiment to that of the WAS. They view the LBS as partners who had greatly wronged them, whether it was through neglect, criticism, or negativity.

If you could go back to your husband pre BD, pre affair and give him advise on how to make his marriage work. How to rid himself of the negative feeling regarding you that he had built up, that had to have been there to make him capable of betrayal what would that advise be?

[25yearsmlc]

Hello Blu wave

I have always read about how difficult piecing is. I always imagined I would like that experience. To have that power of being less invested in the relationship, whIle your partner who had greatly wronged you is fully vested and trying whatever they can do to win back your love and trust.

I think that^^ is unusual.

(Of course if your not invested, one would not even want that power I suppose).

Your sentiment seems to be a similar sentiment to that of the WAS. They view the LBS as partners who had greatly wronged them, whether it was through neglect, criticism, or negativity.

that's why some LBSers b/c WAS later...

If you could go back to your husband pre BD, pre affair and give him advise on how to make his marriage work. How to rid himself of the negative feeling regarding you that he had built up, that had to have been there to make him capable of betrayal what would that advise be?

interesting question

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=JujuB]Hello Blu wave

I have always read about how difficult piecing is.


Most LBSers dream of being there. Sadly, many assume they are in "piecing" before they should, and are so terrified of losing the m that they have DB'd their way to save, that they don't set realistic boundaries.

And or they don't make the changes in themselves and as a couple, that they need. They think sorrow and remorse on the WAS's part is the cure. There is so much more to repairing the m, and some of it must come from the LBS.


I always imagined I would like that experience. To have that power of being less invested in the relationship, whIle your partner who had greatly wronged you is fully vested and trying whatever they can do to win back your love and trust.

I'm not sure why piecing would even start if both parties are not fully invested.

If an LBSer is really in the position where THEY want to reconcile, (and not just "win"), they won't stand back to watch their spouse do all the heavy lifting.

Besides, the LBSer who really wants to reconcile, will have done their own soul searching and made some changes in themselves.

I know the fear in the LBSer is that if they turn the other cheek, they'll get slapped again. They believe that forgiveness might somehow set them up for another heartbreak. And they have every right to be extremely cautious. Not withholding, but cautious.


Hence the need for loving respectful, clear boundaries and a whole lot of sometimes uncomfortable communication from both. I think virtually all couples will need new tools for this. And one change would be to schedule and keep the couple time going, over time. Not forced romance so much as time together without distraction. Even once a month helps a lot, over time.

[BluWave]

Thank you. I'll be back later and reread this, as I need to run out the door.

Quick update : Last night H initiated R talk. It's happened several times now. Long and emotional ...

This is what it keeps coming to--he is miserable, waiting for me, and begging to go to MC. Then he says it has to come from me. Then he asks again and again. He is spinning. If he were anyone else I would send him to DB land for some 2*4s!

I'm not sure what to do. I am content with my life and my other Rs. But--the big but--is that I don't know how to accept and forgive this A so we can build something new. I have thought and processeed in every way I know how and I still feel a lack of respect for him and detached.

I'll be back later!
(2*4s and advice always welcome)

Blu

[JRuss]

Why not go to MC with him and talk about the difficulty you're having with forgiveness? Seems exactly what MC is designed to help with.

[Coconut]

25yearsmlc, I wasn't able to pull your signature up in a quote, but I wanted to let you know that I've never heard truer words than "FORGIVENESS: Our way out of hell". In the past I wouldn't have gotten it, but after going through it, I get it.


(((Blu))) I wanted to let you know I stopped by and read the last two months or so of updates. I don't feel I have much to contribute because you have said you need to do what I also think you need to do (truly forgive him, fall in love with him again), but I admire your commitment, and his, to spend the time required for it to work.

OK, I just re-read your most recent update(and I do have something to say) about your husband being frustrated, and I understand his frustration. I bet he feels like this is you punishing him, slow and steady, for the bomb he dropped on you. Understand that there may (and likely will) come a time when he detaches lovingly and walks away.

Have you considered separation? I know you were separated for like a year before, but the choice wasn't yours and the circumstances were completely different. You frequently comment on how it's just nice to take a break from R talks and constantly working on the R. Maybe you need a real break from it, like a couple of months away from each other, the less you see or talk the better. It will really give you guys a chance to find yourselves and hopefully what you really want, instead of just fighting for the relationship everyday because it has become the new routine.

I only suggest this because you have been piecing for so long, I know piecing takes years, but you should constantly be moving forward and I fear you've been stuck on the forgiveness stage for a long time.

Take a break, enjoy yourself, decide if your hearts really in it, or if it's just convenience.

as for logistics, it's tough, but maybe you each could take back to back 2 week vacations and go away and visit family, then someone move out for a month or two (look at craigslist, maybe someone can sublease a place for a couple of months).. just a thought.