Gordie: trying to focus on me 2

[Sotto]

Hi Gordie, I agree with others and think you are doing well to maintain your own sense of calm and control in these circumstances - good for you..

I'm sorry to hear that she says D papers are on the way - but I always think with these situations - nothing is happening until it has happened...

I would stay on this path, which I think is a good one. Keep reading and learning and reflecting - and become the man you want to be. If you do those things, I don't think you can go too far wrong, however your marital situation ultimately unfolds...

[Gordie]

SBJ--I don't know how you can deal with your long time lover and partner just shutting you out completely, particularly with children!

Sotto--thanks. I think I'm doing the right things but who the heck really knows? And how can I not get my hopes up when she tells me she questions what she is doing? I guess working on me and my issues is the right prescription because it is independent of my W and will serve me no matter what happens. The side benefit is that a mentally and emotionally healthy Gordie is more attractive, even if my W is too in la la land to notice.

[SBJ]

I don't know either, but I've got a good group of friends for support here and also a few from church who have gone thru similar things.

Proverbs 3:5-6New American Standard Bible (NASB)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.

[roist]

Gordie. Your situation is tough and must be head wrecking.

Your coach is surely more attuned to the details of your situation and M situations in general, so I tend to urge people to follow their advice before that of us fellow dbers.

Your W is confused and that beats her being sure at 100% that things are over. Keep going as you are.

The sex issue is important but not an easy one to determine the best approach. Follow your coaches advice if in doubt. Sex is the most intimate connection a couple can have. That is why I would be reluctant to advise against having sex with W. So I say enjoy it while it lasts. Look at it as a perk of a bad situation. I would acknowledge verbally that you understand her saying that having sex is not a sign that she wants to stay. That could take some pressure off of her if she knows you know that.

However if W moves towards OM or files for D, I advise stopping that immediately. This is not about cake eating but moreso about you having respect for YOU.To some extent we need to put ourselves aside during this, but not fully. Continuing to have sex afterwards will undermine your self value. So by saying no, you show self respect, you show you accept her decision to end M and thirdly you show her a, taste of what not being there for her is like.

Similarly I think that if you have not already done so, you should tell W you understand her desire to not share a bedroom. Tell her you will respect her wanting to no longer share a room, but you will stay in MBR. Don't be confrontational or aggressive but be firm.

Just my thoughts to bare in mind IF she makes a move away from.the M. But as sotto pointed out, nothing is done until it is done. Even if W decides to want back in, to get to that point will take a long time. How much of that time are you using to "focus on you"?

[ForGump]

Gordie,

Despite all that's happened to me, I'm an optimist at my core, and somehow I feel like things can really turn around for you. But I don't think it will come about without turmoil. I think you will have to survive a hurricane.

Steel yourself, man. Be as solid and grounded as possible. When the D papers hit, when you have to talk to your kids, when you move out, when you see your W with someone else (not the 22 year old kid, I promise!) -- you're going to have to be solid.

I don't think I was quite that when some of those things happened to me. I twisted in the wind.

But there's very little you can do to control your W. She's going to do what she's going to do.

You be a rock, man. Lean on all the pillars in your life that you know to be true. But try not to let your W's foolish storms knock you down.

Based on all that I've read from you, all the heart you've poured into this tragedy, I'm confident you will pull through.

[Gordie]

I would acknowledge verbally that you understand her saying that having sex is not a sign that she wants to stay. That could take some pressure off of her if she knows you know that.

Roist--thank you for your support; I said exactly what you suggested...and it definitely was the right thing to say...it was like a weight was physically lifted off of her shoulders.

ForGump--thank you for ongoing support; I keep dreading the official D filing...but the longer I wait...and fear the mini explosion of it...the more peace I seem to be achieving that it's not the end of me.

Scene from the twilight zone:

W: I'm an idiot...I keep coming back to you.
Gordie: No, I'm the idiot...for hurting you and losing you.

W laughs and starts pulling Gordie towards the bedroom.

Gordie: Are you sure you want to do this?
W: Yes. I want you. You are exactly what I want.

[Bird]

Scene from the twilight zone:

W: I'm an idiot...I keep coming back to you.
Gordie: No, I'm the idiot...for hurting you and losing you.

W laughs and starts pulling Gordie towards the bedroom.

Gordie: Are you sure you want to do this?
W: Yes. I want you. You are exactly what I want.

Wow, I'm the farthest thing from an expert on this board, but it sure sounds to me like she is absolutely confused and conflicted. It doesn't sound like she can make heads or tails of what's going on in her head right now. Since I haven't learned to detach or remove my expectations, that would make me feel like there's still hope to fix this M, and I truly hope there is.

So many of these threads don't seem to result in DB but in helping to better ourselves as the LBS spouse to make it through D. Your W's obvious conflict within herself gives me hope that your M will make it through this crisis. Keep doing what you're doing, Gordie.

[roist]

There are worse twilight zones

I found it interesting and comforting that she said she wants YOU and YOU were exactly what she wants. Not sex, YOU. I think that is good, but keep those expectations low.

Don't put yourself down by saying you were an idiot. Better to say you were wrong to have hurt he. Also be careful not to own too much of that blame. Own only your fair share, but own it fully. Best way to make ammends is to change what your contribution to this was.

Continue working on you to become the best you possible.

Your W is on a knife edge and could go either way. If she goes towards separation/D you need to have no reaction.it will be heart wrecking for you but you need to be able to have a steady calm reaction. Know this but do not dwell on it. It may not happen soon or maybe not at all. I hope that is the case.

Your best way to influence this outcome is to ensure she feels no pressure from you. Her perceiving/feeling pressure is not the same as you applying pressure. The best way to achieve that it to minimize your focus on her and on M. This is v hard to do. I have not mastered it fully but I have managed somewhat to not let it affect my behaviour.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

KarenHC and Roist--thank you for your ongoing support; you (and others) make me feel like I'm not alone on this crazy journey which is so helpful to me; your comments echoed my DB coach's this week almost verbatim--you guys are experts!
*
Highlights from my latest DB coaching session:
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Gordie: I feel like I am on the merry go round of death. She keeps getting closer and closer and then pushes me away farther and farther. What should I do?
*
Coach: You are doing a great job. Keep doing what you are doing. Your W is so conflicted right now. She had a plan in her mind: D. And you—by your changes—are screwing up her plan. She doesn’t know which way to go. Her words don’t match her actions. She’s not done with you. If she was done with you, then she would stop pursuing you and having sex with you.
*
Gordie: When W is pushing me away, W’s rewriting of our history is getting worse. In her version, I have become a complete monster. The last time, I couldn’t take it. The accusations were so inaccurate and poisonous. It was so outrageous, I didn’t fight back. I just looked her in the eye and said nothing.
*
Coach: And then what did she do?
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Gordie: Her look went from anger to sadness. Neither of us could say anything and I left the room. I thought—maybe this is it—maybe this is the end of us. We didn’t speak the rest of the evening and then we both went to bed. And you know what? She came over to my side of the bed and cuddled with me. I’m so confused.
*
Coach: I think she’s confused too. I think you did the right thing. You didn’t fight back. And you know what? When you didn’t fight back, you were actually standing up for yourself. You were saying—by your actions—that you aren’t going to accept these false accusations. She’s trying to provoke you and push all of your buttons so you actually become a complete monster; it would make it easier for her to go ahead with the D. Don’t react; be steady and patient.
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Gordie: W asked that we not go to church together anymore. She says we’re not married anymore and she doesn’t want to pretend that we are. Is this a bad sign?
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Coach: W is doing what she didn’t do during the M: she’s telling you how she feels and what she wants. Listen to her and if she doesn’t want to go to church together, then don’t.
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Gordie: W suggested going on a weekend getaway. Do you think it’s a good idea?
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Coach: I think it’s a fantastic idea. Go and show her an awesome time. And when you get back? Don’t be surprised if she ignores you or treats you like you have cooties. She’ll need to distance herself again.
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Gordie: So what do I do if W actually goes ahead and files for D?
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Coach: Don’t fight her and act as if you are fine either way—whether you get D or not. When you fight her, she digs her heels in. And filing isn’t the end. She may be saying to herself that she is a coward if she doesn’t actually go through with the D and that she needs to file in order to prove to herself that she is a strong and independent woman. She needs to feel no pressure from you—to D or not D.

[FightOn]

Hi Gordie! I have been reading your thread and keeping up with your story, but like you, am pretty new to all this, so I don't feel comfortable offering anything more than support.

I stopped by this morning to say "thank you" for sharing the words of your DB coach. The insight is helpful.

Thanks again and it sounds like you are doing fantastic!

Fight On!