Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

WillDo...

When I confronted my W about OM1 for the 2nd time, she suggested a trial separation. I was emphatic about not moving out and suggested that SHE should if she wasn't happy, but she refused. I told her that I wouldn't let her kick me out of my bed, so she decided to sleep on the couch.

This lasted for about a month. Then one day she came to me to request that we switch sleeping arrangements. She would take the MBR and I would take the sectional in our finished basement. She made some very logical arguments: "You get up and leave for work before anyone else is awake. All your clothes are already down there and there's a 2nd full bathroom where you can shower. If our D5 wakes up in the middle of the night she always comes looking for me so I need to be on the same floor."

I validated her feelings but told her I wouldn't change my mind. Then she started spewing (just as Sandi2 had predicted). Told me that she wanted to throw a bottle at my head. Told me that this is EXACTLY what her friends told her I would do. Told me that this just proves to her that she's making the right decision.

And I have to admit, at that point I buckled. As much as I realize that I need to "man up" in a lot of ways, it's just not in my nature to respond to that level of venom and anger with more of the same. This was not a fight I wanted to win. It wasn't even a fight I wanted to keep fighting. So I gave her the bed and took the sectional in the basement.

The next day I had a phone DB coaching session and described the entire incident. He suggested that I yield the MBR to her and stake a full claim to the basement. "Make it yours. Turn it into the man cave you always wanted" he said. I guess his idea was to turn this sleeping arrangement fiasco into a GAL opportunity. Other than the laundry room, my W has no reason to spend any time in the basement. So it's basically like we live in a duplex with my apartment being downstairs, hers upstairs, and a shared kitchen.

As for how do I cope? It really depends. Frankly there are some nights when I'm very thankful that I sleep in the basement. I don't have to be constantly reminded that I'm 6 inches from the alien that abducted my W. I have the big screen TV all to myself and I can catch up shows I haven't watched or play video games. It's a total distraction from the pain of my sitch and it really helps.

And then there are other nights when I feel so tempted to just go into our MBR, climb into bed, embrace my W, tell her that I love her and that I will keep fighting to save our M for as long as it takes. The funny thing is, as I write this I don't really know how she would react if I did that. Maybe one day I will feel like it's worth the risk, but not right now.

[WillDo]

Thanks Chris! All the best

[Chris73]

I have experienced tons of resentment over the past 24 hours with my W getting closer to her 5-day "vacation" in FL.

Last night we went to a neighbor's house (cool neighbors, not the man-bashing neighbor next door) for dinner. Their kids play with ours. I could have stayed home but remembered my 180 and the fact that I hadn't seen my kids all day so I went. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable in that setting it was astounding.

There was a person there that none of us had ever met. My W introduced herself and our kids and then stopped, even though I was standing right behind her. So I spoke up and said, "I'm Chris by the way." My W apologized immediately for the oversight. I don't think she purposely excluded me from her introductions to be spiteful, it just kinda felt like I didn't exist in her world right then. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the night. I continued to engage in the conversation and even listened to my W tell a couple stories about how we met and when we were first dating. But everything was just a little off. There was tension there. Maybe I was the only one feeling it...

Then my W proceeds to take out her vape pen and smoke. Now, my W and I are both ex-smokers (going on 8 years now) and we have ALWAYS strived to live a healthy lifestyle. Her mom just died of cancer as a result of smoking 3 years ago. But this vape thing is new for her. I discovered it a few weeks ago and mentioned it. She told me she would just bring it with her when she went out to the bar with her friends. But I get the feeling that she's probably using it regularly. It was so odd watching her smoke it last night. Almost like a mini-betrayal. I mean, who the eff IS this woman anyway? Where did she come from?

After a while I decided that I was going to leave and take S8 home. We had just gotten the new Zelda game and we were BOTH aching to play it. But I was also very tired from a 12 hour day and the idea of standing out in the cold in front of a fire pit watching everyone smoke wasn't very appealing. So I told my W we were going and she asks if I can also take D5 home.

This really bugged me. Here's this woman who was only home one night this week (her birthday) to put our kids to bed (granted she was working on 2 of them) and she won't be around for most of next week because she'll be in FL. But she didn't think it would be appropriate for us all to leave at the same time so she could help put our kids to bed. She really just wanted to stay and party. And these aren't even people that she regularly parties with. She just didn't want to go home. But I didn't let it bother me. I smiled and said goodnight and took the kids home. S8 and I played Zelda until 11pm!

So look, I'm not an idiot. I recognize that her selfishness is at an all-time high right now. Sandi2 warned me about this countless times so it's not a surprise. I spent a few hours today working through my resentment and journalling. But I did eventually get over it. I also realize that I'm extra sensitive right now. Once I got the resentment and anger out of my system (I went for a run), I felt better.

I also tried to see things from her perspective. What's causing her to be so selfish these days? Does she even recognize it? This is a woman who has put her own needs behind everyone else's all her life, going all the way back to her early childhood. Her therapist has even suggested that she never really HAD a childhood because of the problems in her family. So I think the selfishness is a reaction to all of this. She's trying to make up for lost time by swinging over to the other extreme.

I don't think is an acceptable or mature way for her to handle this issue, but I can understand why she might be reacting this way. And I would never want to trade my position with hers. I had a stable upbringing and I consider myself to be emotional stable (for the most part). When she opens up about the things she went through as a kid (alcoholism, physical abuse, abandonment) it breaks my heart. Through most of our relationship I assumed that I could provide enough stability for her to get over this. That I could "save" her from the trauma of her past. I'm smarter now. There was never anything I could have done to save her, the only thing I should have done was supported her, and I didn't even do that.

Anyway, I never thought I'd say this but I'm relieved that my W will be going away for a few days. I could really use a break from her!

[Gordie]

Let it out...let it out...we need a weekend in AC to get away from all this...

[Chris73]

Lots of crying today.

W left for 5 days in FL with her girlfriends. We stood in the kitchen this morning talking and she proceeded to go on and on about how nice the weather was going to be and how beautiful the sunsets are on the west coast.

Under normal circumstances I would be happy for her. But instead I just got angry bc I felt like she was being insensitive.

(Oh, hello ego. Hello attachment. How are you today?)

As a result of this anger I proceeded to bring up the subject of how she planned to pay for this vacation. Her mood changed the instant this question was posed. She then reminded me that we haven't separated our incomes... "yet."

I saw that venom in her eyes again. Just sitting there, right below the surface, waiting to strike. I dropped the subject, she walked away, and I walked out to the garage so no one could see or hear me cry. More than anything, I mourned the loss of all the progress and momentum I had gained over the last month. My comment will likely be the only thing that sticks in her mind as she leaves for a warmer climate.

The rest of the morning went fine. We all ate breakfast and then the kids and I got ready for church. She had planned to leave for the airport before we got back, so we all said our goodbyes. I looked her in the eyes and said, "Have a great time. Please be careful and take care of yourself." No tears this time, just a big smile. As much as I wanted to, there was no way I was going to try to make her feel guilty for leaving.

She didn't even come out to the driveway to wave goodbye to the kids... "I don't have any shoes on..."

Made it to church and had a really hard time keeping the tears back, especially after the kids went to their classes. But I think most of it is out of me now. She's out of my life for 5 days and I will try my best to keep her out of my mind for just as long.

I'm excited to be Mr. Mom and have a little more control over things this week, and it will be nice to sleep in our bed again (although frankly my back does better on the couch!). Tonight I'm headed to an the open blues jam in Philly to play my guitar and drink old fashioned's. Man do I need it!

[Gordie]

I hate this stuff. My W was spending money like water and it was causing stress but has been better since splitting up the money. Do you have expectations re communication while she is away?

[Gordie]

Also, I'm actually kind of envious that you could go to the garage and have a good cry. It's really, really hard for me to let it out like that. It's healthy for you.

[Chris73]

No expectations for communication. I assume she'll call each night to talk to the kids. I won't ignore her on the phone if I'm home when she calls. And I have no doubt she'll send me a few txts. Maybe a pic or 2 just to keep me subdued. I'm sure in her mind, sending no pictures at all would imply that she's doing things I don't like. But I won't engage her in texting. She's away. There's no need for us to communicate unless there's an emergency.

[WillDo]

Chris73 your thread is inspiring. Today. Ok there will be ups and downs. She should have been more open. Did she say who she is going with? My wife palyed tricks on me. I had seen concert tickets in her bag. On the day of the concert she called and said a friends husband couldn't make it and that she was going to the concert. As sandi2 says when WW has OM n her head she is not really engaging. But I feel like you you need to focus on the friendship with W and more importantly relationship with your offspring. I feel very down as she now sleeps in the spare room. Just took maybe 1 minute.

I recalled other thing. She had her nose done. I bet she was sending pictures to OM. When the doctor came and she had to hand in the phone she paniced. But hey I don't look at it anymore.

What I am trying to say is that there could be lots going on in the background. We are doing what we can.

Read shodan. Man the thread was interesting. We would wait and wonder. It ended okish but at one point as we were waiting for reconcilation he said the D papers were prepared!

So as Michele says keep the course.

[Chris73]

Thanks WillDo. I do know who she's will. And at this point I don't think there's an OM in the picture. It's more of a Girls Gone Wild thing. She's down in Tampa, in a hotel by the beach, with a girlfriend who is going through a divorce, and it's spring break. So I think it's more about partying like a 25 year old single woman. It really [censored] when I dwell on it.

Meanwhile, like I predicted, she's already sent me 2 pictures of the view from her room...