You are super frustrated, angry...it's totally unfair that your W can unilaterally end your M. I get it. I feel the same way. But you will be okay no matter what. God loves you and has a plan for your life. It may be different that what you expected so you've got to cling to your faith. Pray, pray, pray, vent, vent, vent...and let go of your W and your M. This too is fighting for it. What you are doing now isn't working so you need to try something different. The more you fight and delay the more your W digs her heels in. I gave my W everything she needs to file in early January and left it in her court...and she hasn't. This is a tragedy...accept and grieve...and then move forward.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
As far as losing it goes, dont let it get to you, keep moving forward. I think she was pulling strings to get you to react.
I'm kind of in the same boat. I tried to outlast the MLC but W is bent on D. It's hard and I've been cycling but overall I'm trying to view it as what she needs (or thinks she does) to move forward through her crisis.
You are correct. She was pushing my buttons for sure. She knows my feelings that D is not the answer, but she is hell bent on it. But, she then threw in the fact that I don't care about how "she" feels about it. I will admit that I have only thought about myself and my kids thru all of this. I do not understand her feelings on this, because we have always been against D.
How do I switch my mindset to view this more from the outside looking in rather than the PO'ed LBS?
I need to totally drop the rope at this point, finish the D paperwork, sign them, and continue to work on myself. The feeling of abandonment just hits me at times. I know I can survive w/o her, but I never thought about it, because I signed on forever. Kind of stinks.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Remind me again about what will happen financially once D takes affect? This is just so I remember the full picture.
Remember that in this you are considered as the source of all her woes. She was unhappy in the M because of YOU. She has not gotten her D because of YOU and now she is running out of money ebecause of YOU. There are two sides to every story. That is a fact, but one she is blinded to. The harder you fight your side, the blinder she will become and the more sure she is right.
Many say, to stall for time. Do this if you wish but by cooperating slowly ratherthan blocking it/her. However if she perceives you are not giving her what she wants she will go after it even harder. There are many cases here where the lbs has cooperated fully with D, but the WASn never followed through. Some do of course. Why not all? I believe that up until the moment the lbs goes along with the "plan"hhe/she is the reason they don't have what they want. Once this is not so, the WAS can focus on other things and their certainty wanes. I am not saying that all of a sudden they don't want to divorce. They were locked in a fight with the lbs, and their sole focus was to win that fight by any means possible.
Get out of her way and give her time and space to think about another focus.
Earlier I mentioned her using any means possible to get what she wants. That includes the "pity" card. Poor little me may run out of money. Don't fall for that. It is not your problem. In fact it could help her see reality in face. Don't go out of your way to create such consequences, but be aware of their importance in showing the WAS that the rosy life on the other side us tainted.
I understand your anger and frustration. However it just makes her focus more on you as the problem. Sometimes anger can help to show WAS that you are not at their whim, but where possible it should not be shown to WAS. There are many reasons but mainly because you come off negatively,hhence proving them right...... in their minds.
Now that it is done, don't dwell on it. Learn from it and from this whole incident. What can you do differently going forward d? Plan how you could react ideally if the same incident occurs next week.
Tell your W that you understand that she wants to D you and that she is eager to do so as quickly as possible. Say whereas it is not what you wantED, you accept and respect her choice and are not or will not stand in her way to getting it. If you want you could state you need a little time to organise X, to process Y or to do Z. State this is to prepare in the best way possible so that D goes as well as possible for everyone involved.
Best wishes.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Tell your W that you understand that she wants to D you and that she is eager to do so as quickly as possible. Say whereas it is not what you wantED, you accept and respect her choice and are not or will not stand in her way to getting it. If you want you could state you need a little time to organise X, to process Y or to do Z. State this is to prepare in the best way possible so that D goes as well as possible for everyone involved.
Best wishes.
I feel that I am at that point now...I have been kind of stalling for a while now on some of the financial aspects of things and I only have two ways to go on them. One would give her a lump sum and the other would pay her in installments over 8 years until my youngest is 18yo. I guess my fear is that once my attorney puts that on paper all that is left is for her to sign them...then our M will be done with. That is the fear talking I know, but it is real.
I guess since my memories are clear, I remember a happy M that we have shared for 22+ years. We have had our ups and downs like most married couples, but have be great for the most part. Since she is walking thru this fog, she has re-written our life as totally bad. None of our family or friends can believe this is going on with us. I guess MLC is the other silent killer. It sneaks up behind you and wham!!! I think I was hoping for some divine intervention while we have been separated, but it isn't in his timing yet.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Tell your W that you understand that she wants to D you and that she is eager to do so as quickly as possible. Say whereas it is not what you wantED, you accept and respect her choice and are not or will not stand in her way to getting it. If you want you could state you need a little time to organise X, to process Y or to do Z. State this is to prepare in the best way possible so that D goes as well as possible for everyone involved.
Best wishes.
I feel that I am at that point now...I have been kind of stalling for a while now on some of the financial aspects of things and I only have two ways to go on them. One would give her a lump sum and the other would pay her in installments over 8 years until my youngest is 18yo. I guess my fear is that once my attorney puts that on paper all that is left is for her to sign them...then our M will be done with. That is the fear talking I know, but it is real.
I guess since my memories are clear, I remember a happy M that we have shared for 22+ years. We have had our ups and downs like most married couples, but have be great for the most part. Since she is walking thru this fog, she has re-written our life as totally bad. None of our family or friends can believe this is going on with us. I guess MLC is the other silent killer. It sneaks up behind you and wham!!! I think I was hoping for some divine intervention while we have been separated, but it isn't in his timing yet.
This is rough. Don't lose faith. God's ways are above our ways. While you are actively waiting, keep working on you. For those of us in long term M, there is a gravity that is indescribable. Praying for you today.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I know how hard this is and how painful the rewriting of history is. I think they need to do this in order to go thru with the divorce. You know what is true and you also have tremendous faith . Hang in there sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks bttrfly...I need to simply let her go. That is hard because I am the product of divorced parents and I always said that I'd make my marriage work no matter what. The problem with saying that is that it does take two people to make a marriage work.
I love the woman that she was for over 25 years and I truly believe that that person is still in there, but she is definitely hidden at this point. My faith and my kids are the things that are getting me thru this.
I thank everyone on here that have been thru this and continue to support those of us that are in the midst of it.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I had a simple policy of - if it suits me, I'll be more proactive and otherwise more reactive. So, it really suited me to get financials resolved as all my funds were invested in our home and I was 'without' enough money for a couple of years. However, I didn't want to get D'd, so I was rather slower in that area. Not slow enough to be dragging my heals, but I didn't rush you know?
As for your understandable views about marriage, based on your own childhood experience. Was it Budda who said those things we cling most dearly to, we sometimes have to lose? And also, I do think these experiences, and the trauma growth as a result, can help us revisit and heal these painful wounds from our past.
And finally, some situations need to go all the way to divorce in order to start moving forwards - that just seems to be the way sometimes unfortunately. But - even if divorced, I don't believe the situation has been resolved until/unless you decide to close the door.
Take care SBJ
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I had a simple policy of - if it suits me, I'll be more proactive and otherwise more reactive. So, it really suited me to get financials resolved as all my funds were invested in our home and I was 'without' enough money for a couple of years. However, I didn't want to get D'd, so I was rather slower in that area. Not slow enough to be dragging my heals, but I didn't rush you know?
As for your understandable views about marriage, based on your own childhood experience. Was it Budda who said those things we cling most dearly to, we sometimes have to lose? And also, I do think these experiences, and the trauma growth as a result, can help us revisit and heal these painful wounds from our past.
And finally, some situations need to go all the way to divorce in order to start moving forwards - that just seems to be the way sometimes unfortunately. But - even if divorced, I don't believe the situation has been resolved until/unless you decide to close the door.
Take care SBJ
Agree with Sotto! In my situation, when I was fighting my W on the D...she was full speed ahead...and when I backed off and said I wont' fight you on D...she slowed way down...still married today...no idea how it will end, but taking it one day at a time...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
