I wouldn't say more/stronger, but different. We process things differently. But you are correct, it's the ones who are dumped that behave the way we do, especially when we didn't know.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Man, what would lead a person to be someone's best friend and lover for 10 years, being very good to that person throughout that time period, to just all of a sudden cut the person out of their lives and sever all ties and affection? That's cruel. I could never do that to someone.
Here's the problem with your thinking.
It wasnt 'all of a sudden'. It may seem that way to you, but it was definitely not for her.
In my opinion, she has been hurt and disappointed and frustrated for years. Sure, you may say she should have told you, but I'm guessing she did somehow. I know my ex did. But I wasnt able to listen, to receive it, to understand it. I attributed it to 'normalcy'...to stuff every couple deals with. To life.
It didnt really become serious to me until action was taken. Until I was told "I want to separate as a way of preparing for divorce. You know what I did? I thought to myself 'why dont I deserve another chance? Why are you springing this on me? Im sure I can do better; why wont you work with me?"
Of course, by this time, AP was in the picture and it was full steam ahead on the D train.
Ive thought of this phenomenon as ice freezing upwards. Imagine your wife as a lake that is slowly freezing from the bottom up. You arent going to notice the trouble until that last layer freezes and the top surface is ice. But over the years, the ice has been accumulating, and what you see as the top freezing over is a giant block of ice.
So, like Ive said to you before, how can you change your perspective to be focused back on what you need to do instead of trying to thaw her? Thats like going out onto that lake and trying to thaw it with a hair dryer!
I wonder why we men don't take our wives seriously when they complain? And why wives don't understand how we never got it, that they were that unhappy? Then some other guy comes in and swoops her up while the relationship is in a slump. It's a messed up dynamic. You would think men and women would be able to understand each other better than that. We are supposed to join together and raise families. We ought to have some sort of innate understanding of how each other work. But instead, we are like two people from different worlds trying to understand each other.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I've gotten bad lately about putting question marks on the end of statements. And this site won't let you edit your posts. I think it's that I just don't care as much about typing perfectly.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
This is your opportunity to learn new communication skills. Just like you loved your W the way that you wanted to be loved, our expectations work the same way. We place expectations on others based on the way we would do things, then we come away disappointed when our expectations are not met.
How are things going with GAL? What are you doing different these days? Have you had any interactions with your W?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
It is very common to see the WW respond this way. The hurting and hoping H mistakes her sense of relief as being a sign of her softening.
I wish I had the skills to explain how the WW is on a completely different page from him. She might as well be on another planet. When the bomb drop occurs, it is usually her announcement that she is unhappy, doesn't feel in love with him, starts blaming him for this & that, yada-yada......but in truth, she has long had disrespectful feelings toward him.....and is emotionally done (whether she actually says those words or not). It wakes up the H and he begins trying to correct the things he remembers her complaining about. Whether she gives him a laundry list of complaints at the BD or not.......it is not the true root problem that currently exists. That's why the LBH does not see the desired results when he is trying to fix the laundry list. The reason behind her complaints may be legitimate and could have played a part in the breakdown of relationship.......but eventually, she allowed her feelings of disrespect and resentment to take over and lead her into rebellion against her H and their M.
If she was willing to work with him to save their M......then he would see positive results. The current issue is her waywardness. The wayward does not want it....and is not willing to work to get it. IMHO, that is just one of things that separate the wayward from the WAW. The wayward has a hidden agenda. The wayward is cold, selfish, and mean....in spite of what her H tries to do to please her.
IMHO, it works better for the LBH to let her go.....b/c she is going with or without his emotions tied around her. That's not to say they won't ever be together again, but certain things usually have to take place in order for it to occur.
If she goes her separate way, and she's in an affair or living like GGW..... or whatever, he needs to spend that time working on himself and preparing for better things to come. If she's in his future, then he will be better prepared for her. If she's not in his future, he will be better prepared for something else. This is his time to fix himself and become the man he likes. He needs to be a friend to himself and do things he enjoys that maybe he hasn't done since marriage. He needs to use this time to grow! But he needs to do it independently from his WW, and stop making everything about her.
So, she will be in her fantasy world, until it begins to crumble and she experiences consequences that come from her decision to tear apart her family. In the meantime, she still gets glimpses of her LBH, or hear tidbits from others saying how good he look, or how he seems to be enjoying his life, or whatever. She may try to temp check or manipulate him in other ways, but she discovers he has changed and no longer succumbs to her demands or complaints. He no longer is interested in her games, who she is seeing, or what she does (this is from her view). She begins to feel she has reallylost him. She sees a confident man who seems in control of his personal life......and she sees some things in him that may remind her of that guy she loved & married.
In time, the affair usually ends and she will either turn to OM2 b/c she doesn't want to give up that type of lifestyle, or she will turn to her the LBH she dumped. That is the time he needs to play hard to get, so to speak. He doesn't need to be her backup plan. And, he needs to use a lot of caution, b/c she should have to work to get him back again. Not through manipulation and playing games, but really doing whatever is necessary to be in marriage relationship with him. Her apologizing and having remorse for the pain she has caused, is a good place to start, but it's not enough. She still has to do something about her wayward feelings in her heart, otherwise, the M will be right back in the same shape again.
Instead of sweeping things under the rug, acting like nothing has happened......they need to attend therapy for couples healing from infidelity, and take reconciliation slowly. They should not jump right back into living together before the problems are resolved. And even after they move back together, they may need to follow a long term program that helps couples who are trying to recover and have a better MR.
The LBH was working hard on himself during the time she was gone. Her hard work begins on herself once she faces her reality and takes ownership for the pain and destruction she has caused. If she really does it, then her heart is more likely to soften enough to feel remorse. Her remorse is very important. Without her taking responsibility for her behavior, the affair, etc., she will not make the changes and do the hard work ahead of her....and she'll continue to blame her H. If they make the decision to be a couple again.....then their hard work begins on their relationship. This time around, the H will be wiser and better prepared.
I want to post what sandi2 posted to KevinIn. It is pure gold. She is spot on. I lived it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
This is your opportunity to learn new communication skills. Just like you loved your W the way that you wanted to be loved, our expectations work the same way. We place expectations on others based on the way we would do things, then we come away disappointed when our expectations are not met.
How are things going with GAL? What are you doing different these days? Have you had any interactions with your W?
My wife seems to be keeping interactions to a bare minimum. I met her at a store parking lot a few days ago to trade some of her things for some of my things. I thought she looked at me with love, but she ran away so fast, making the usual claim that she has things to do. I think she's desperately trying to detach from me, and/or has been advised by her lawyer to not talk to me much right now. I hope that if she cheated on me, that she doesn't feel like it could never work out, that I would never forgive her. Had I been a great husband, and she did that, or had she been a poor wife, and then cheated on me, then I might not forgive. But since I hadn't been a great husband, and she had been a great wife, I could forgive her. My counsel agreed with me that I should not extend any forgiveness to her during this time of separation negotiations. I wrote her a letter a few days ago telling her that I have forgiven not only the things that I know about, but also anything that I could conceive of her doing, including infidelity. I have not shared with her the letter. It's a shame that the legal process gets in the way of reconciliation sometimes like it does. But I also later saw where Sandi wrote in this thread to not give W a letter of forgiveness, because as long as she is with OM, she will not be receptive to it, or something like that. Hmm. But what if she were on the fence about OM? --which I wouldn't have much knowledge of, because I barely talk to her or see what's going on in her life. It's like she wants me to be dead to her.
GAL and changes I haven't been doing much lately, because I've been working on the separation. I had to wait about 2 hours this morning for a locksmith to finish changing all of the locks in the house. I haven't worked out much over the past week or so because of how busy I have been, and because of how much I have been avoiding being in my house. It's so depressing being there, because everything reminds me of my wife. The friend that I had made a few weeks ago started showing interest in me again, I'm not sure why, but said he was sorry for being "a little out of touch". If I can make one friend, then maybe that can turn into more, if he has friends that I like. I know my dad and step-mom have to be sick of me constantly wanting to be around them, when I'm not at work. I don't know what I want more of, being away from the marital house or being around people that love me. I'm trying to think of things to do to GAL. I have so few interests. I've always been very introverted and wanted to work on my personal hobbies, at least since I was a teenager. All my wife needed me to do was to show a little more interest in going out and being around people we know. But now I feel like I have to change into another person to show that I'm making changes. I don't want to waste away on the computer, but I don't know what else to do. I've thought about looking into a pilot's license, to fight fear, just as I considered getting a motorcycle. I have thought that the way that I at times am very emotional, right now, I probably don't need to be on a motorcycle. So far, through this breakup, I have had one close call in the car. (Tangent) It seemed that my anti-lock brake system failed when I needed to slam on brakes. It kept my wheels from locking, but something caused my brakes to become very weak, and I had to go off the road to avoid the car in front of me. That car is 8.5 years old. I don't like the idea of keeping a vehicle more than 10 years. So, it's coming up on time to get a new one, because I don't like having to get cars repaired. (End Tangent) I've also gone to church the last 2 weeks, by myself. I don't really want to start talking to other women yet, because I don't yet have the legal right to date. But it would be nice to find some to hang out with, whether I think I could ever marry them or not.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Had I been a great husband, and she did that, or had she been a poor wife, and then cheated on me, then I might not forgive. But since I hadn't been a great husband, and she had been a great wife, I could forgive her. My counsel agreed with me that I should not extend any forgiveness to her during this time of separation negotiations.
For me, forgiveness is a personal choice. She doesnt need to know if you forgive her. To me, reaching out to tell her you 'forgive her' is pursuing.
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
It's so depressing being there, because everything reminds me of my wife.
How can you change that? Replace photographs? Take down artwork? Buy some new 'man' stuff?
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
I don't really want to start talking to other women yet, because I don't yet have the legal right to date. But it would be nice to find some to hang out with, whether I think I could ever marry them or not.
For love of all things holy, NO, dont start thinking about dating. Thats ludicrous. You just spent pages talking about how much you are pining for W; you need to get clear of that before you have any right bringing another woman into this.
BUT, yes, you shouldnt spend your life alone. Get out there and meet people. Try some new things. Im super introverted too, but I was able to get into a group through a meetup and that really helped me change things around. Look to go do something new: join a club for dancing, gaming, socializing, whatever. Meeting people that know you as you and not as Mrs. WshIKnw's husband is so liberating.
