Stop the mind reading, the best way to know what he wants is to talk to him.
So text him to set up a date where you are available (keep it simple), make sure you are not too exhausted at that time. Keep your expectations very low or better to none.
Get ready mentally, reread the thread on Detachment, and whatever he is going to say, keep your calm (talk to yourself mentally), don't spew, don't using any offensive words at all, keep control of yourself, don't ask him any personal questions, let him doing the talking, don't try to advance or talk about issues that's not the time for it and anyway he won't answer you most probably and will get upset.
Basically, let him talk and just listen while trying to control your mind and validate, validate doesn't mean you agree it means that you show some kind of empathy, it will help him to keep talking.
By doing that it doesn't mean you are acting as a doormat, not at all, it means you are trying to keep that door open for other future conversations.
Even if he says something offensive, stay calm, MLCers like to push our buttons a lot, so don't play any of his games if he tries any of them. Keep in mind what used to set you up and don't fall for it this time.
That's the time to show him that you changed, that's you are not the overreactive person you used to be and also somehow you are detached now, that's you are moving with your life, congratulations for the new car. You want him to become the pursuer if that's want you would like.
Dealing with a MLCer is like a game, you need to have a strategy.
Believe in yourself, show him what he is missing. Good luck!
I love this advice!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You know how you should go with your gut on certain things, well that's what I'm doing. I feel pretty certain that he only called to get me to go to that forum. If he really wanted to speak to me, like he said he did, then he would have responded to my text.
And the marathon continues.
Hope things are going well at your end of the world
I have a friend who did the class and yes there is a big push to get others to come to graduation
Does he have any family that would go?
He may also need to speak with you also to clear something time will tell I agree with you he will reach out if he needs to or else maybe better to let it go
sometimes I think they reach out maybe they need to connect for a moment but it soon fades because they are not ready or it is too hard for them
I believe my xh would like to clear the air and put things in order with me and the kids, but he lacks courage to do what it takes better to take a step back and refocus on yourself next time he calls , if you have it in you you can listen to what he wants
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So today is H birthday. I don't think I will send him a text or email. I did send him a birthday card from the dogs
Nothing much going on here. I still have not heard back from H after I sent him a text on Tuesday. I just wish he would have never called me because all it did was upset me. Is that what he was trying to do? Why would he say that he really wanted to speak to me and when I try to reach out to him NOTHING. I just don't understand it?
I have since learned that he has been spending time with a woman who is going through a divorce. She is a bit older then H and has 2 kids in their 20s. I do know that long ago this woman's husband cheated on her and she stayed with him. Not sure the circumstances now why they are getting divorced. H has always reached out to women when he needs support. When I kicked him out of the house he had several women that he was "talking to" about out situation. I used to tell him that's what got us in this predicament in the first place....him talking to other women about us instead of him talking to me.
peacetoday.....I agree with you about them not having the courage to do what it takes. They really don't know how much that would mean to us.
As far as H and family. He is originally from England (but lives in the states) so all of his family are still living there. His parents visit frequently (almost to a fault)
Needing to vent and not make a phone call I will regret!!!!
So today is H birthday and he posted a photo of a piece of cake with a candle with two forks saying "happy birthday to me"...it looked a bit intimate too. Trying not to call him and tell him how disrespectful it is to post photos like that clearly of him with another woman who is NOT his wife!!!!!!
I really don't know what to tell you! That's a total lack of respect for you, I share your anger and totally understand you need to vent. Usually I don't use bad words, but right now a bunch of them as filling my mind. Don't contact him, don't make his day even better!
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
He is the poster child for MLC right now, he has no empathy at all for you. I know how tough it might be for you right now not to let him know your thoughts. You must be boiling in the inside. Write down your anger and thoughts on a paper, it might help you to calm down.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
This is going to be long, so brace yourselves.......
I had a pretty intense emotional conversation with a longtime friend yesterday about what has been going on in my life. She said she felt like H was being cruel to me by continuing to do what he is doing (ignoring me, not answering phone calls or text messages). We spoke further about expectations and moving forward. I of course cried for quite a while after that, but then I took some time to chill out and walk the dogs, then I decided to call my H. I did read the detachment post before I called, and also read what Skyhigh and others have mentioned I should when I did eventually speak to him. I also wrote down on a sticky note "stay calm, validate, don't raise your voice, dont swear"
I had a conversation with him that I have never had with him before. I asked him why he never called me back, especially when he said he really wanted to talk to me. His answer was the most honest answer he has ever given me in the last 11 years. He said because he was trying to find the courage to call me back. He also said that he has been lacking in responsibility when it comes to communicating with me.
I continued to listen to him, and as I did that he opened up like a book (I had to write things down because he was saying so much). He said after attending that forum he learned that his life or his reality has not been driven from his own thoughts. He said he learned that his reality has been determined by a story that was learned due to something that happened in his past, and he has continued to believe that story and has continued to live in that reality. He also said when we are able to separate what actually happened from the story we learn we find that our reality may not actually be that way. I had to think about that for a bit after hearing it. I can only assume that this is some lingo that was used in the forum, because H does not speak like that normally.
But, what he said to me was that he finally "gets it" and that he has seen the error of his ways. He mentioned several times that he has lacked courage to do the right thing.
He acknowledged that he had a lack of communication in our marriage, and that he was not able to discuss his emotions or feelings, and now knows that contributed to a lot of the issues we had.
He talked about being authentic and wanting to have integrity. He spoke about not just saying something but also following through with it.
He talked about not acknowledging me when I would speak to him, or how he would ignore me because he was on his cell phone or social media.
He realized that he had been living his life and making decisions on how others would respond, or what they would think about him after making his choices. THAT IS HUGE FOR HIM!!! A big issue for me was that he would make the decision to go and be with other people, only wear certain clothes or drive a certain vehicle so that he could tell people he worked out with "so and so", or he wore this label, or drove that kind of car.
He has said that he never really thought that his parents had control or manipulated his thoughts or decisions, but now he does question that. That is also HUGE for him to say. During our M, he liked to speak to his parents first before making certain decisions and that was a big issue for me. They would arrange to come over for a visit and not even ask us first if it was okay. I would ask him to speak to them about it and he was too scared to do that. He still has a parent-child relationship with them today and he is a 44 year old man.
But, the big thing is that he FINALLY apologized to me for the affair, how he treated me during certain times in our marriage and has treated me since.
Prior to calling him I told myself that I would not discuss our R, but of course you know I had to backslide I told him that I felt abandoned by him, and that I still love him and don't know how to turn that off because when I married him it was going to be forever, no matter what. D was not an option for me.
I acknowledged my faults in the marriage, my need to want to control him and almost every situation and that I could have been a better wife. But I did tell him that did not excuse him or give him the right to have an A (he agreed). I also apologized that he felt like he could not speak to me about how he was feeling in our M, and that is what ultimately lead him to have the A. He said that the A was a "symptom" of what was really going on. I told him that he didn't give me a chance to make things better between us.....he just left.
Divorce was never brought up or discussed, neither was the future of our relationship. He said he is continuing to do more classes through this forum for the next 10 weeks, and that he hopes he can continue to learn and grow from it. We both acknowledged that we never discussed what happened, and that we really need to do that.
One sad part of the discussion for me was that he said he doesn't really think about the A, doesn't really have shame or guilt like he used to, and that he doesn't really ever think about me. He still relates to me in a negative way when he speaks about me...which he says he rarely does. He said "out of sight, out of mind." OUCH.....that hurt.
He wanted to make sure that I knew he did not have a girlfriend, and that he is not spending time with anyone in that capacity. I asked him where he keeps his wedding ring and he said in his bathroom on the counter where he can see it.
So now I move forward and continue to try and detach and GAL.
Well that was quite a conversation. Rather than commenting on all the many parts of it, let me ask you this:
what was your goal when you called?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
