Counselor, how are things over in your part of the town? How are your kids adjusting? Any movement on the negotiations. It's not over til it's over. I thought my W and I had agreed on all the basic terms for D, but then she got some advice from a friend that prompted her to revisit division of assets. I was momentarily annoyed and worried but was able to return us to a point of agreement. I hope things go smoothly for you. I don't think your W (nor mine) will really appreciate us until we're far out of their lives. At least speaking for mine, she needs to feel my absence. She literally needs me gone, and know that I'm not going to walk in through the front door at the end of the day, to understand what she just did.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Thanks for checking in, FG. I missed your post, and then it went several pages deep (tons of people posting, which is depressing, the constant supply of LBSs), so I'm glad I scrolled down.
I hear you on the bumps in the road. I thought I was a day or two away from being served, tops, and then things slowed down. W suddenly realized she doesn't really understand how any of this works, how child support works (I think she thought she'd get more), and started doing her thing, where she shows SOMETHING is wrong, but doesn't say what it is, and I can either ask repeatedly, wading through 4-5 "nothing" replies before I finally get told what's going on, or I can ignore, at which point she'll usually start some sort of fight. She's basically overwhelmed at how hard it is to get divorced, and she's finally realizing it will hurt her financially. So she's slowed the pace down, wants to talk to some people. She definitely still wants to get divorced, but she's worried she might make a bad deal. I still think I'll be served sometime next week, as I was finally able to talk to her, told her I'd help how I could (main thing I won't do is file or be the plaintiff), etc., and she calmed down a lot.
The kids seem to be doing ok. We are both talking to them regularly, trying to make it all seem normal and not something to fear. What they really don't like (understandably) is Mom and Dad fighting, and we've pretty much stopped all of that.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Well, things are back moving. I took the kids out all day yesterday (brunch, hiking, taking pictures on our cell phones, and comparing notes, then Starbucks (they got decaff), and STBX took the opportunity to finalize our parenting plan and her complaint. She'll be filing it tomorrow, and the 90-day state law mandated wait period will start. I should be formally divorced in early June.
I'm always surprised how these milestone moments hurt, even though I've known for a long time this was going to happen, and it's hardly coming out of the blue.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Oh goody -- and now the draft e-mail that will go out to our friends hits my inbox. I get to "comment".
She seems to be enjoying this. I do think divorcee is in her minds a boost to her self-identity. It makes her "different" than most of our friends and family, and different is just a hop, skip and a jump away from interesting. There's some juice in that, for some weird, maybe not even healthy, reason. I don't think she'd ever reconsider, and I almost certainly wouldn't entertain it anyway, but one thing I know for certain is that the allure of being a mid-40s divorced woman with 50% custody of two still pretty young children will fade and fade pretty quickly.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I'm always surprised how these milestone moments hurt
Called all the utility companies to transition to separate accounts. Now I just have one last one: I'm on hold with our car insurance company.
It's stupid. But each time I call one of these companies, my head hurts, a dull gray pressure around my eyes; they feel like being punched by an invisible force, a dark neutron cloud, some black dense matter.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
FG -- yeah, it's odd, but everything about her seems odd to me, now.
Yesterday I signed our parenting plan in front of a notary public and, with that, signed away half of my children's remaining childhoods. I tell myself I'm fortunate, that a huge number of really good men and fathers get far less time with their children than I will, but man did it hurt to do it. She's filing today and may even be doing it right now, as I post this. The state won't recognize the end of our marriage until early June, but it ended for me when I signed that horrible parenting plan and gave it to her.
I took my ring off when I signed, and I won't ever put it back on again. I wore it 6,374 days.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Today is the two-year anniversary of BD for me. I've grown a lot. I've improved myself a lot. I'm considerably happier, right now, than I was immediately post-BD, that's for sure, although I'm still prone to pretty crushing sadness (I hope and think this will really start to lift measurably when she moves out). And I'm really, really angry that I have to lose half of my children's childhoods because my STBX is, at bottom, a selfish person. I'm not where I want to be, not yet, but I see where I want to get, and I'm going to get there.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
First off I am really sorry about your situation. I have been following you for the last year because there are some similarities in our sitches. I was really hoping it would work out for you.
My wife has yet to pull the trigger on a separation/divorce mainly I believe because of guilt/kids/finances/family/friends. She is a 2 Enneagram "The Helper".
I am struggling with accepting that even if my wife stays it is more for those reasons then actually wanting to be with me.
