Piecing: this is a process

[LiM]

Thanks for all the feedback everyone.

While I agree that its reasonable for a person to have some privacy in a M, transparency after an A is absolutely essential. Without it, I don't think there is any hope. Just because you have transparency, doesn't mean you have to use it. Right now, its pretty rare for me to look at anything, and honestly, I probably didn't need to look when I did a couple of weeks ago. BUT, had I not been checking as often as I was when we first started down the path to reconciling, we would not be where we are at today. Although she wasn't contacting OM, she was doing LOTS of things that would have completely derailed us had I not stepped in and called her out on it. How did I know I needed to be looking? It was because of her emotional state. Things weren't right and I needed to figure out what is going on. And if I sense that things aren't right with her, I'll investigate again.
That being said, I am also 100% transparent. She has access to my phone, FB, computer, etc. I don't care what she looks at are sees. I never have. I don't care if she reads personal information that a friend may send me. In fact, I would likely tell my W about anything that was going on with that friend without her having to ask.

I do believe my W loves me and is remorseful. She has lost a lot from her poor choices. Honestly, she could have all that back if that's what she really wanted because apparently OM's W would be fine with having my W back over at their house to train. So she can choose that or she can choose me. Based on her actions, she appears to have chosen me. That doesn't mean its easy and that she isn't still in withdrawal from her addiction. I agree with the poster that said what I read was basically my W's private "thoughts". If we were all held accountable for everything we ever thought, myself included, none of us would be M. So as much as it hurts me, I choose to let that go, recognize that she is trying and continue to spend this time working on myself.

Could she be doing more to help me and us recover? Yes.
Could I? Yes.
I do believe she is doing as much as she currently can so I can't be too firm with her. This afternoon, we admitted our oldest daughter to a mental hospital for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Life doesn't stop just because we are trying to recover from her A and our dysfunctional R. I've got to remember to be patient and humble.
I'm rereading DR and since my last post, I have detached to a level that I haven't been at in a long time. That is something I really needed to do while I continue to work on myself.

[DonH]

When I say "you can't build a wall high enough," that means exactly what SH, ginger and others are explaining - which, BTW I stole that phrase. Point being, as they have said, you can't watch your spouse 24/7. If they want to cheat, they will find a way. That doesn't mean transparency is not needed at some level, but this bit that lack of it means D, I just can't buy.

It also begs the. Question how far that can be taken? Spouces should not keep secrets from each other as well, correct? So if I tell one half of a couple a very deep dark secret about myself, does that mean she/he must share it with their spouse? I should hope not and honestly I would not want my partner breaking the trust or confidence of a friend because of me. Unless it somehow directly involves me, it's none of my business and is between my partner and her friend.

Sadly, part of the baggage many of us carry comes about from things like this in our past. Hopefully through productive, spirited discussions like this we can unload some of that baggage.

[LiM]

Today is my 20th anniversary. Two days from now will be the 1 year anniversary of BD#1 (the day I discovered the A and that W was with OM on our anniversary last year).

We're not doing anything to celebrate this year although my W did leave me a letter folded up in my laptop that I found when I got to work this morning. She basically said that she is proud of me and the man I've become, that she respects and admires me and that she loves me. The whole letter felt a little bit "forced" to me; like she had to make herself write those things. But I too have had to force myself to do and say things that I really didn't feel but knew needed to be done or said.

Soon after we began piecing, I told my W that I wanted to renew our wedding vows on our anniversary this year. But not long after that, I realized that was something I would not be able to do. I love my W and believe that she loves me and is committed to me, but renewing vows was just more than I could handle. That will have to wait.
We will be going to a nice hotel on NYE and will have a night out on the town so that will be nice.

My oldest daughter had to be hospitalized for 9 days for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. She is out now and is in a partial hospitalization program. Basically she attends every day and comes home in the afternoon. She is doing much better but dealing with her issues has meant that we had to put a lot of our issues on the back burner while we take care of our daughter.

I've reread DR and another "getting past the A" type of book and I think both were helpful to me. I realized that I needed to detach more and also that I could be trying a lot harder. So I've been doing that and also continuing to work on GAL.
For whatever reason, over the past 2-3 weeks, I've feeling a lot better. I've been feeling less hurt. Not sure why. A lot of it is just gone. I thought today would be REALLY hard for me but its been ok. For many months, D has constantly been in the back of my mind. That seems to have faded dramatically. Not necessarily because of anything my W has done. In fact, I wish she would do and say a LOT more than she does. I guess its more to do with work that I've done.

I believe now that my M will survive this. I'll never be the same person again. That is both good and bad. I've made so many positive changes in my life but an innocence has been lost. Something that I always felt I could count on has been taken away from me and given to someone else. That hurts.

I have a long way to go before I will fully trust my W again. I have a long way to go before I'm in love with her the way I want to be. I just hope that with time and continued effort that will all return.

[BluWave]

Lim, my friend, I am so glad you stopped by. I am happy to read this update. You are settling into a place of calm and acceptance, and things should be more clear as you step off the emotional roller coaster.

I could have written your post. I also have a daughter (now an adult) that suffered from mental illness and she took a terrible downward spiral in HS during our seperation. I had to send her out of state for help and this was soon after H left. It's very hard to nurture a M when there are kids that need us first. It is much easier to tend to their needs as a couple than separately and that was another weighing factor in taking him back.

I also thought early on in piecing that we would renew our vows and hit certain milestones in short amounts of time--1 year, etc--and I can tell you it takes much longer than ever expected! We will be coming up on 2 years this spring, and I have no desire to renew vows. I also miss the innocence and closeness that we had for so long. I can't force it and I know we won't go back to that. What is to come instead, well only time will tell.

I also have settled into believing that this M will last. Why? Because we have both made the choice and continue to make the choice. What has changed for me coming up on the 2 years is that there is much less drama and the triggers don't get me or throw me off. I acknowledge, I feel, and then I put back on the shelf and continue onward. Sometimes with no tears, and just an eye roll :-)

What I have also come to learn is that it's perfectly okay to accept where we are at, even if not ideal. Nothing is permanent, and even the way we remember the past continues to change.

I don't feel close to my H at all--there is very little romance and time together, etc, but the thing is, it's how it is right now. I have so many other people and work and things to do in life that have nothing to do with him. This is how I want it. Our M will wax and wane and sort it's self out over time. I lost sight of all these other important parts of my life in this mess, and that is why I see DB as a way of like. Love the self first--you are number one.

So this is why I keep advising others to let go. These things work out as they should in time. Your W has come to value you and the M, so she is worthy of your love.

Lim, I am glad it's getting better. I hope this is the first step to finding your way back to a new and better M down the road. Sure there will be bumps, and there may be days that it feels hopeless again, but if you both can choose to stick it out, over time you will create a new and different life together.

Hugs,
Blu

[Jug]

Today is my 20th anniversary. Two days from now will be the 1 year anniversary of BD#1 (the day I discovered the A and that W was with OM on our anniversary last year).

We're not doing anything to celebrate this year although my W did leave me a letter folded up in my laptop that I found when I got to work this morning. She basically said that she is proud of me and the man I've become, that she respects and admires me and that she loves me. The whole letter felt a little bit "forced" to me; like she had to make herself write those things. But I too have had to force myself to do and say things that I really didn't feel but knew needed to be done or said.

Soon after we began piecing, I told my W that I wanted to renew our wedding vows on our anniversary this year. But not long after that, I realized that was something I would not be able to do. I love my W and believe that she loves me and is committed to me, but renewing vows was just more than I could handle. That will have to wait.
We will be going to a nice hotel on NYE and will have a night out on the town so that will be nice.

My oldest daughter had to be hospitalized for 9 days for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. She is out now and is in a partial hospitalization program. Basically she attends every day and comes home in the afternoon. She is doing much better but dealing with her issues has meant that we had to put a lot of our issues on the back burner while we take care of our daughter.

I've reread DR and another "getting past the A" type of book and I think both were helpful to me. I realized that I needed to detach more and also that I could be trying a lot harder. So I've been doing that and also continuing to work on GAL.
For whatever reason, over the past 2-3 weeks, I've feeling a lot better. I've been feeling less hurt. Not sure why. A lot of it is just gone. I thought today would be REALLY hard for me but its been ok. For many months, D has constantly been in the back of my mind. That seems to have faded dramatically. Not necessarily because of anything my W has done. In fact, I wish she would do and say a LOT more than she does. I guess its more to do with work that I've done.

I believe now that my M will survive this. I'll never be the same person again. That is both good and bad. I've made so many positive changes in my life but an innocence has been lost. Something that I always felt I could count on has been taken away from me and given to someone else. That hurts.

I have a long way to go before I will fully trust my W again. I have a long way to go before I'm in love with her the way I want to be. I just hope that with time and continued effort that will all return.

Thanks for sharing. Your story has influenced and inspired me. I'm sorry about your daughter's hospitalization and pray for your family. Take care and have a good time on NYE.

[Stormchaser]

I'm very happy for you, LiM - sounds like things are progressing well.

I wish I had better news to report on my end. I'm going on 11 months post BD. Over the summer, we reconnected in a way that we never did before. Vacations, traveling, weekends together - all helped to make the connection between my W and I stronger. Yet, she still works with OM and has all but refused to find another job. This has been a major thorn in my side since reconciliation.

During our last MC, I stated that the biggest mistake I made at the beginning was letting them continue to work together. In the beginning of MC, the MC encouraged it, saying it would help my W re-establish boundaries, boundaries that she never had, because she let the OM seduce her. I thought it was ridiculous, but agreed because I was so focused on us repairing our marriage....

As time goes on and we've progressed, the major sticking point is the fact that they are still in the same building together, with no one knowing. The OM's W nor my W's boss know about the affair. Had I outed them at the beginning, something may have been done, but because this "secret" had to be maintained, nothing was ever said. Had anything gotten out, my W's reputation would've been ruined. Some people say "too bad", but it would've destroyed any future career opportunities for my W. I took the high road and kept my mouth shut.

Anyway, the last session the MC finally said that she needs to look elsewhere for employment because this is hindering full recovery. Whenever my W tells me she has a full plate at work, I imagine her and OM being together. Its NOT getting better. Its getting worse. I've tried my own IC, I've tried EMDR, I've tried meditation. My W constantly reassures me, but its getting to the point where I'm not even listening to it. And when its brought up, she goes into a deep depression that lasts days. And I'm getting tired of rescuing her when she falls. Her new line is, "Nothing is going on at work. If you don't believe me, then you're calling me a liar". Things are getting twisted around anymore, and we're both hyper-sensitive to each other comments. I got mad that she friended a 72 y/o man on Facebook, and she got mad at me for making a comment on Christmas Day that no one found offensive except her.

Maybe I should start my own thread...right now I'm really depressed, thinking I need to file for D to make her quit.

[doodler]

"Nothing is going on at work. If you don't believe me, then you're calling me a liar".

Stormchaser,

My XW said similar things. I believe it was because she lacked good boundaries (she'd been sexually abused as a child). My XW believed that the only thing that defines an affair is physical sex. She'd actually say that she didn't believe in emotional affairs. To her, EA was just a term that was used by journalists so they could write interesting stories. She maintained that she never had an affair even though she divorced me because the OM told her to. It's amazing how they're perspective can be so skewed that they can't see what is right in front of them.

Maybe I should start my own thread...right now I'm really depressed, thinking I need to file for D to make her quit.

Yes, you should start your own thread; I think it'll help you.

[LiM]

Anyway, the last session the MC finally said that she needs to look elsewhere for employment because this is hindering full recovery. Whenever my W tells me she has a full plate at work, I imagine her and OM being together. Its NOT getting better. Its getting worse. I've tried my own IC, I've tried EMDR, I've tried meditation. My W constantly reassures me, but its getting to the point where I'm not even listening to it. And when its brought up, she goes into a deep depression that lasts days. And I'm getting tired of rescuing her when she falls. Her new line is, "Nothing is going on at work. If you don't believe me, then you're calling me a liar". Things are getting twisted around anymore, and we're both hyper-sensitive to each other comments. I got mad that she friended a 72 y/o man on Facebook, and she got mad at me for making a comment on Christmas Day that no one found offensive except her.

Hi Storm,

Sorry you are struggling so much but I definitely understand why. I simply wouldn't be able to tolerate my W being around OM EVER. On the very first day my W and I started reconciling (with her VERY much still in a fog) she asked me how soon I thought I would be ok with her going back over to OM's house to train because apparently OM's W indicated that it would be ok with her in time. My answer was NEVER. Now, my W does understand why that can never happen.

I'm glad to see that the MC indicated that your W should look for another job (the MC NEVER should have indicated that it was ok). How was that received by your W? Your W may very well be truthful in saying that nothing is going on but I still couldn't deal with it. That's a hard pill to swallow. Is there another location she could work from? Transfer to a new location?

I will however say that you can't MAKE your W do anything. She has to WANT to do it. If filing for D gets her to quite her job, she will resent you for it and hold it against you. She needs to want to get another job and see how much it hurts you that she still sees him, even if there is nothing going on.

I see that you are still depressed. Please keep going to IC and MC and working on your GAL. Maybe see a doctor about anti depressants. You made connections with your W over the Summer. See if you can keep doing that but also let her know how much it hurts you to know that she still works with OM. If she is fully committed to the M and truly cares about R the M and your feelings, I would think that she would come to a place where she understands how important it is that she find another job.

[NYGal]

Storm, if you see this, check my thread. It's not easy.

[brizz]

Lim, how is your M currently? Does the pain and resentment of the A ever start to fade? Is there a point where you can look at your W without being reminded of the betrayal? OM in my sitch just confessed to his W and ended the A and I'm just thinking ahead if my W contacts me and is wanting to talk. I don't know if I can do it. I see some parallels in our stories. Oddly, Girl on a Train was the last movie we saw together. I had read the book and knew what it was about. Her A was just beginning then but I had no idea at the time. I've thought about how the movie didn't have an impact on her.