You know, reading your exchange with Doodler last night and earlier today has given me some food for thought that I don't think ever even entered my realm of possibilities before.
Let me preface it by saying that I have said before my D came completely out of left field for me but I found DB pretty quickly on and I tried to DB, but he was just done and I didn't beg or plead because I just wasn't in the place where I was willing to do it. And, it's a long story and doesn't really matter, but the long and short of it is, my XH always complained that he'd been abused by his alcoholic father as a child and into his teens. He talked about it a LOT. And, I always believed him, but I also always thought that he never really dealt with it fully.
So anyway, your exchange has made me think that maybe I never gave enough leeway to him for what he had dealt with in his past and was still dealing with. I mean I can't go back and change that now, obviously, nor do I really want to, to be perfectly honest because I'm good with where my life is right now, but looking back, if I could change things, maybe I would be a little more..........not even sure what word to use here.......I would be a little more flexible.
Ultimately, I like what Doodler said about he's responsible for his kids and himself and that is kind of my train of thought too. I'm responsible for me and he has to be responsible for him. I'm responsible for what damage I did to the marriage and he's responsible for his part of that as well (though he doesn't think he did any....it is all my fault, of course...but I digress).
Anyway, I rambled on and hi-jacked your post here, Jeep, to say thank you to you and Doodler for opening my eyes to something I hadn't seen or thought about before. It really helped me see some things in a different light.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
You didn't hijack anything, ma'am. It just gives me different perspectives on things.
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my D came completely out of left field for me but I found DB pretty quickly on and I tried to DB, but he was just done and I didn't beg or plead because I just wasn't in the place where I was willing to do it
Mine was so far out of left field it wouldn't have even been in the stadium. Never even had an inkling. I tried DB. Didn't work. Nothing I tried worked. She was too far gone, and I suspect that's the same for 95% of us on here.
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I mean I can't go back and change that now, obviously, nor do I really want to, to be perfectly honest because I'm good with where my life is right now, but looking back, if I could change things, maybe I would be a little more..........not even sure what word to use here.......I would be a little more flexible.
You are in an awesome place. Like you, I'd change so many small things. I like the term flexible...there are times when I should have been, too.
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Ultimately, I like what Doodler said about he's responsible for his kids and himself and that is kind of my train of thought too. I'm responsible for me and he has to be responsible for him. I'm responsible for what damage I did to the marriage and he's responsible for his part of that as well (though he doesn't think he did any....it is all my fault, of course...but I digress).
I agree. I think I may modify it and put it in my tag line. We are only responsible for our own actions. To this day, mine refuses to see her part in the marriage...hell, she still has not showed any remorse for the affair.
And you are most welcome, Dawn. Your wisdom and words have helped me so much. Thanks to you, ma'am.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I hear ya on the out of left field.....mine was the same way. NO clue, just came home one day and he had this weird look on his face and I asked what was wrong and he said "I want a divorce". Uhhhhhhhhh................okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I did ask right then if there was someone else and he lied and said no and I actually believed him which is odd because he was a really bad liar. Not sure how he got away with it as long as he did. But oh well....coulda, shoulda, woulda, right?????
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
But oh well....coulda, shoulda, woulda, right?????
I think that is the mantra of us all...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
After all this time and the different avenues and experiences, I'm still unable to evict her ghost. I may have to start charging it rent for taking up space in my head. The thing is, its just small things. Last night, for example. My son was talking about going to both Disney and our favorite vacation place. As he talked, some of the better memories came back, which led to a tinge of sadness.
I don't pine for her anymore. Heck, I don't even want to go on a "date" with her anymore. So why is this ghost taking up space?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Does it need to be a case of evicting her ghost or is it more a case of honouring the memory of a happy time that did matter to you. Things have changed in your life since that time - for better or for worse - but changed nonetheless. And this was a significant relationship to you and of course you think of it and of her some times.
I find as more time passes, I can think of happier memories with less pain. At one time, my mind would have gone to a happier time and I would feel burned by a flame. But now I find I can better accept that our marriage had happy times and worse times, whilst also accepting the end of the marriage and moving on.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Does it need to be a case of evicting her ghost or is it more a case of honouring the memory of a happy time that did matter to you. Things have changed in your life since that time - for better or for worse - but changed nonetheless. And this was a significant relationship to you and of course you think of it and of her some times.
You know, I've never thought of it that way. Maybe I was looking at it entirely wrong. Maybe its ok for the ghost to take up residence. I find myself remembering the happy times with a lot, lot less pain now. Sure, every now and then it'll pull and I guess it always will. I like how you described it. Thank you!
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I find as more time passes, I can think of happier memories with less pain. At one time, my mind would have gone to a happier time and I would feel burned by a flame. But now I find I can better accept that our marriage had happy times and worse times, whilst also accepting the end of the marriage and moving on.
I'm getting there...and looking at it in the way you described is smoothing out my road considerably.
Thank you so much!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It's because you need a new tenant. In the meantime, you should make a necklace of garlic cloves and wear the necklace non-stop for an entire week.
Doodler,
Bahahahahahaha. I needed that this morning! How are you doing, my friend?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
