This is going to be painful, to watch her struggle, and possibly watch her world fall apart. I think things will get really hard for her before they get better. I wish her well and I keep wanting to jump in to help.....
The thing is, her road only has room for her. You know her struggles and failures unless you ask. I know its hard, but you shouldn't ask about those things. She made her bed, don't clean it off for her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Some perfectly great co-parents still manage to parent children who don't do ok w/r/t divorce. And our spouses have no idea how it's going to go, they just can't face it.
It never ceases to amaze me as to how many parents who destroy a family fall back on this line.
Script! I not only get the kids are resilient and kids will be fine...I get the kids will be happier if their mom is happier...sigh.
Have gotten all these as well. I've also gotten the "D will be happier without all the tension in the house". Well, who's the source of the tension...I get ya'lls frustration.
Originally Posted By: FG
Originally Posted By: JRuss Sink clogs are firmly in the "she can call (and pay for) a plumber" camp, IMO.
I think yer prolly right, JR. This is going to be painful, to watch her struggle, and possibly watch her world fall apart. I think things will get really hard for her before they get better. I wish her well and I keep wanting to jump in to help.....
agree with both of you on this. you've got to get out of this habit (i'm guilty of this too). My instinct is to snap to and fix it, but probably not the right answer.
everything's going to be good FG. You're a great man who continues to be strong for his kids. hang in there brother
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Amen, brother. I have seen bloodbaths when it comes to divorce and how it affects children. I work in the mental health field and treated children/adolescents inpatient. With very few exceptions the children were from divorced parents and lived one week here and one week there.
My BIG goal was the raise my children in a warm, loving, functional marriage. I will stop at nothing to try and accomplish that. So I've been studying the DBing techniques like I studied for my licensing exams, like a full time job. I've watched Michelle's videos repeatedly, read DR multiple times and highlighted passages, I've had 11 DBing sessions with my coach and review the notes constantly. Because while children may be resilient I still want to give them what I never had, a two parent home that was functional and rich with love. So...we soldier on, eh?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
There is nothing as particularly demoralizing as discussing or negotiating the division of major assets. Not this cup or that blender. Major assets. Simply by engaging in it, you enter into a relationship of you-vs-an-other. You are no longer mates. You are no longer partners. It's your interests vs. hers. Just by engaging in it, you dismantle the bond you shared for years. It feels dehumanizing to me.
I've also been thinking about cake vs. cake. There is practical cake and emotional cake. By practical cake, I mean the material and financial benefits, or some other way in which you are provided a practical benefit. Then there is emotional cake, where you feel comforted, safe, wanted, desired.
It seems to me, when a WW loses her practical cake, it's not likely to wake her up from her fog. It may just intensify it by increasing her sense of resentment toward you.
It's when a WW loses her emotional cake, that there is a small, a very small chance, that she'd realize what she's losing in a partner.
This is the kind of thing I think about when I run at night.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
There is nothing as particularly demoralizing as discussing or negotiating the division of major assets. Not this cup or that blender. Major assets. Simply by engaging in it, you enter into a relationship of you-vs-an-other. You are no longer mates. You are no longer partners. It's your interests vs. hers. Just by engaging in it, you dismantle the bond you shared for years. It feels dehumanizing to me.
You couldn't have said it better. The thing is, you have to treat it like a business deal, because that's exactly what it is.
Quote:
This is the kind of thing I think about when I run at night.
Run, laying in bed. Its the same for me. That's one reason why I hit the punching bag often.
Gump, you are doing good, my friend. One foot in front of the other.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"Dehumanizing" -- I've used the exact same phrase when talking about that process with my IC, father, etc. I found that watching how she went about it, how she fixated far more on the major assets than she appeared to focus on her "resilient" children, helped me let go. Not the person or value system I want to be around, at all.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Yes, I find that the negotiating process pushes us apart farther. I have tried to understand it from her perspective though. And in my situation, at least, I think she's driven by a sense of insecurity and (so far) just a ... low/developing ability to run her life as an independent adult in our society. So, after my initial distaste for it all, I settle into a place of sympathy and wishing her well.
My Mom responded well to my BD. She was sympathetic and supportive, and was ready to dash over (from far away) to help. But I told her I need a few weeks to transition, then she'd be welcome to visit.
The issue of my W's choice in men keeps coming up because she feels a high level of anxiety about our older one starting to date... because she's only dated a$$holes and I'm the only decent guy. That makes me wonder what I'll do w/r/t my kids if she starts dating a$$holes again. I will have to confront her if the kids are exposed to her a$$hole boyfriends.
$#@#!!!!!!
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
That's great about you Mom, FG. It probably feels good to have finally let her know. The more support, the better, I think. I honestly don't know where I'd be without my parents through all of this, especially my Dad.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
